Death

My dear Hailey,

As you probably already know I made it through my surgery ok. Even better than expected. I'm sure it's because you were there, watching over your Mommy the whole time. Thank you.

This whole experience made me think about death again baby girl, but in a new light. With the doctors naming the risks involved & asking if I had a living will in place etc., it forced me to think about the "what if's" all over again.

While it did upset & alarm me at first, bringing back memories of the hospital & you...the only thought that scared me about dying is; of having to leave your sisters behind. Because they still need me...and I need them.

I'm sorry if that sounds bad or wrong baby girl, it's just what I feel. I don't otherwise fear it....because I know it will lead me to you.

For those seconds, however long they lasted, after they administered the anesthesia & they were rolling me away to the surgery room...I waved goodbye at Daddy ready to cry due to the sadness I felt in leaving him...but also for the happiness I felt in the slight possibility that I was going to see you again.

This is what grief does, I guess. I can only blame my thoughts on it, because I've never thought that way before. I always enjoyed life. Tried to live to the fullest...

Now, it's just one day at a time.

Recovering from grief can somewhat compare to recovering from a surgery. Feeling completely out of it at first. Waking up groggy & numb the first day, still under the daze of anesthesia (shock), not fully comprehending what happened. Then slowly, painstakingly, you start to feel the wound....worsening as the medicine wears out. You can only handle small movements at a time. Day by day, small steps at a time until you are somewhat functioning but still not 100 %. You realize you never will be. But you still check the wounds, change the bandages, take more meds to numb the pain as needed, until hopefully one day you won't need to any longer.

Just one day at a time..

Of course the healing of a wounded heart takes longer to heal baby girl. I will be alright physically. I will recover ok. But my heart will always be aching for you.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for your sisters. While I'm happy for them, I'm sad for you. This is why I'm sounding and feeling this way tonight. It's the first school year you will miss. Another reminder, that there will be no more milestones...

It's just hard to accept my mouse. I broke down thinking about it the night of your sister's orientation, the night before the surgery. The grief came down like a crashing wave, unavoidable and uncontrollable.

It's just not fair. You deserved a chance too...

I'm sorry my angel. I don't want to go on and make you sadder.

I have to be strong for Sissy and Bella. Sissy is starting high school & Bella the 4th grade. If you didn't let me leave that morning of my surgery, I know it's because I still have to be here for them. And I want to. As much as I can...

I know you will too. I know you will be walking with your sisters to their bus stop tomorrow, with Grandma & Jaylen who stayed behind to help out on their first day. My other angels... <3

I should be on my feet in a few days but I still have to take it easy. I will be writing to you as much as I can.

Because.....

 

You will always be my sweet angel.

I will always love you.

I will always be your mommy,

Forever & ever.

Goodnight. <3