The girls

My pretty girl,

I miss you.

Daniella & Natalia just left. We spent the day with them yesterday, they slept over, spent the day together today & still when Papi came to pick them up, they didn't want to leave. :)

We went to the pool, played putt-putt mini golf, went to the park, had ice cream, & started to work on their scrapbook of you & all the kids. We've been meaning to start it sooner, but it took a while for me to get all the pictures together & developed. It's turning out real nice...

I'm glad that the girls & your sisters can still have fun together. I like to see the smiles on their faces. It's nice to have the house filled with laughter & noise again too...sometimes silence is deafening.

I love that they keep you in mind, making you friendship bracelets, playing mermaids at the pool, playing all the games you taught them & even pretending you are there. Which I think you are, some way or another.

I can't help feeling you around more when we are with them. Maybe it's because you loved them so much & always wanted to be around them, just like your sisters.

I found this pic of the very first & last sleepover with the girls, for Bella's birthday. You were all so happy & excited...you had a fun night & woke up the next day to make pancakes...

Just like that night, the girls were up last night talking & laughing. Sometimes I listen for the sound of your laugh among theirs...I can almost hear you chiming in their conversation, competing with Bella for attention, & to be the boss.

It's the same, when your cousins come over from Jersey. I can picture you down there in Sissy's room with them, helping Jaylen braid hair with the new styles you learned from You Tube, blasting One Direction.  I can hear that loud funny laugh of yours that carried far, just like those big loud sneezes that came out of such a little girl.. That, you got from me. :)

When Tyler & Dylan come over, I can see you on the couch, playing video games or running around the house with your wizard sticks, playing hide and seek, playing house or school or babies...managing to keep up with Lego's, Minecraft, Mario & still feed your babies while giving out fake school assignments...Birthday parties or get together's- it's all the same my mouse.

In my eyes, you are there.

Holding the babies, playing with the kids, you & Bella calling the shots with the rest of the kids are following you around in tow...

We always remember. Always look for your signs. The butterflies, dragonflies, birds, purple wildflowers, clouds shaped as angels or mermaid tails...

Wherever we go; Kings Dominion- we saw a yellow monarch butterfly with Ayde. Right there fluttering around in front of us, as we were waiting for the kids to finish a ride. Not staying still long enough for her to take a picture (I pictured you rolling your eyes as you did when I asked you to pose for a picture, protesting if I posted it on FB.) Then later, talking about you with Papi, sitting down waiting for them to finish another ride, "Over the rainbow"- the same Hawaiian version the kids sang at your service, played overhead the entire park.

At first, it alarmed me so that life could go on without you, my sweet daughter. That we could go on. I rebelled against it. But then I saw the alternative- which was no life at all. Which was unfair all around. To your sisters especially.

But then what about you?

The only way to make it less so, is to still have you close somehow. In our memories, is the only way we know how...

Bella rode the bumper cars because they were your favorite. We walked around the whole time remembering how you disliked rollercoasters because they scared you. How once we thought a particular roller coaster looked harmless at first glance, so Papi rode it with you...and it turned out to be faster than you expected, so you got mad at him & stayed mad the rest of the day. Even though I tried to explain that we didn't know...you were a stubborn & resentful little mouse.

The memories brings us smiles, laughter & sadness honey. But most important, they bring us- you.

I used to be sad at first, thinking the kids would eventually forget you. But after hanging out with them these last couple of days, I doubt that. They keep your memory very much alive. They even asked to see your room again. We went in together with Bella. It's still hard for Sissy. I know she will when & if she's ready. <3

We stayed there for a while, looking at your drawings on your wall, your babies & stuffed animals, your books, perfumes & lotions all neatly lined up, some never read or used...your clothes still in your closet the way you left them..

For a moment we stood still, eyes wandering, feeling a pang in our hearts. The only way to explain it baby, is they wanted to be in there the same reason I go in there every morning before I leave the house for work...because we miss you.

To be closer to you. Just one more time...

People might say: let go, move on, why torture yourself?? To me, it's not any of those things.

Everything I just mentioned, no matter how small, create a gateway to you....

Even if only halfway. For now.

Even if it means getting so far & not being able to get any further.

Just hanging there, standing there, with no other passage way to get to you.

Not until it's all over...

Until then baby girl, I will stand there. Even if it means standing there alone.

I will keep hanging on, for as long as I can.

Because any distance closer to you, is where I want to be.

Where I can still see & hear you. Where I can feel your warmth, your hugs, your kisses

Even if only in a dream or by the feel of a light breeze...

In the sweet fluttering of a butterfly's wings...

In the sunrise or sunset of a hot summer day...

I will be standing there.


*******************

I love you so much my beautiful girl.

I'm here, hanging on.

Until I see you again,

Your mommy forever & ever. <3



PS. Bella won. I came in second place. :)