Four & an angel

My dear Hailey,

It's finally starting to feel like fall. Cool mornings, warm afternoons & fresh brisk evenings with a sky full of stars. I usually love this time of year. I love the change of seasons. I like change in general. I guess your mommy has always had a tendency to get bored easily.

I was looking forward to getting that announcement from mother nature, telling us it's ok to trade in our flip flops for boots, our tank tops for sweaters & our shorts for jeans. To start seeing the color changes in the trees...

But when our first cool morning came, just a couple days ago, I felt another wave of grief hit instead. I thought; it's the end of summer & the beginning of fall. Another chapter ending, and a new one beginning....without you.

Looking for my shoes one morning before work, in the downstairs coat closet, in the dark, I accidently picked up your black fall boots from last year. That did my heart in for the day. Later, I placed them in my bedroom closet. Instead of banishing every article of clothing, shoes, flip flops, or jackets to your room...I want to leave some things as they are & some closer to me. Where I can see them everyday & have a little part of you near.

We are always trying to be strong, my girl. I know you can see that. These last few nights, with the clear & starry skies...we stood out in the front gazing where the view is best. Saying hello & talking to you. We are always trying..

But when the grief comes it's uncontrollable. It's only been almost 5 months. This is still so new & raw. Most people have moved on with their same lives. We are still trying to adjust to our new ones.

One day your sisters & I went to Brooklyn Bro's to have dinner. As soon as we sat down, Bella was in tears & I immediately knew why. There in the corner were the arcade games & the claw machine you would both always play with. Each time, you'd beg me for spare change until I learned to save all my quarters for whenever we'd have dinner there. You would both play until the mozzarella sticks (your favorite) were ready, steaming hot on your plates.

Sissy & I would always just chat. This time, I asked her to please play the games with Bella. Including the claw machine. I even gave her extra change in hopes they would win something, and they did! Sissy won her a pink & yellow stuffed bear which Bella named "Hailey Rose".  :)

I don't know if you helped, my mouse, but I do know Bella was very happy. It made her forget a little bit & gave your sisters a chance to bond. It made it so we could finish our meal there, without feeling complete sadness. Hopefully that means, we'd be ok to go back there again too.

Telling any waitress or waiter, "table for 4" has been one of the hardest things to have to get used to, baby girl. I can remember in the very beginning, our first times out to a restaurant...even while still in Bolivia. Going to eat with the family, after your service & our good bye dinner...

Those first few days when we were still numb, shock & in a daze...I can still remember the first time at a restaurant being asked, "How many?" Me automatically answering "Five", then seconds later realizing...no, no longer five. It's just four now. Just four of us.

It was like being punched in the gut. Being slapped in the face. Like when people say, "pinch me so I know it's real". The pain I felt with just that one word: Four. Made.it.so.real.

It's still like that sometimes. Last weekend it happened again, when we went to Eggspectations. A place, just like Ihop, that we only went to when Daddy was off. Since he was with us, we would get the big table. We would sit in the same tables, each time. This time, the waitress at Eggspectations sat us a smaller booth for 4, right across the big round table we would always sit in.

Daddy & Sissy sat with their backs to the table, but Bella & I could see it. As soon as she started crying on my arm, I knew why. We both sat there, looking at our table, remembering old times. Envisioning our family sitting, with you there...just the way were. The way it used to be.

Daddy & Sissy were sad too, but better at controlling their tears. Bella & I seem to share the same soul however. All I could do was hug her, kiss the top of her head, cry with her & tell her "I know baby, I know. I'm sorry. I love you. Your sister loves you too."

We talked about it a little, between all of us. Then I joked that you were there with us, probably sitting on top of Daddy's head or shoulders, playing tricks & smiling. That made Bella laugh & smile. Then we all laughed & smiled.

It will never be just the four of us baby girl.

It will always be "Four and an angel".

That's us now & hope it will always be.

Until we see you again,

You are always with us, alive in our hearts & minds.

Not a day passes we don't think of you.

Our love will always be for eternity..

Forever, your Mommy