Piece of the rainbow

My beautiful girl,

Last week when I mentioned we needed you more than ever, it was because Daddy lost his job. The worst part of it is, it wasn't even his fault. He was left with a choice of accepting a pay cut or resigning. Daddy wouldn't accept the pay cut, so he was basically forced to leave. Very undeserved.

I know you must remember how hard Daddy always worked. How many hours he worked; sometimes 12-13 hour days, 6 days a week, just one day off & rotating Sundays. Never calling out, going in earlier & leaving later than necessary. Most times skipping lunch, filling in for others when they got sick or on vacation, because he knew how to do their job too...

How I would always complain of him being gone so much. How much he missed out on family time. Working during the holidays, birthdays & weekends. Missing school functions, plays & recitals. I would always half joke that I was a single mom of 4, because it was always just me & you girls.

I realized of course, that is the price we had to pay to live a comfortable life. Since that is the way with everything in life...

There is a price to pay for everything.

That, and the fact that it was always better for Daddy to work rather than stay idle. That is my main worry now. Thank goodness, we have money saved for emergencies. But who knows how long that will last, or how long it will take Daddy to find another job. There are big obstacles we have yet to overcome.

Life is never easy.

As for me, I went back to work earlier this week. I was cleared to return by the surgeon who checked me. I'm feeling much better, so I'm thankful for that.

My angel...we are trying to stay positive & responsible. Daddy was hurt & disappointed about what happened & how it all went down. It just goes to show that sadly, loyalty rarely exists anymore. Everything that was ever taught to us by our fathers; to do good & good will come back to you...is barely true anymore. Everyone is out to get one another & save themselves.

Part of me, & I know Daddy too wishes we could run away somewhere. Even if for just a little while. Our grief tells us it's ok, that we in fact need it. Since we are still trying to cope. But reality says no way.

Sissy started high school, is in the AP scholars program & so far is doing great. Bella started soccer & joined chorus. The last thing they need is more disruption in their life. Plus, the busier they are the better.

The only positive light in all this, is that Daddy & I have been able to spend some time together. To be there for one another, like it used to be. Something that was lost those first couple of months after we returned from the trip.

He only took a week off from work before he plunged right back into it. Working long hours, always gone, taking no time to rest or grieve. I, alone.

Neither of us stronger than the other. Neither of us, able to hold the other one up. It was like we were both just barely standing, facing opposite directions, with our backs to one another, leaning...just barely leaning. Enough to hold each other up, but trying carefully not to lean too much, as to make the other one fall.

While he was at work, I was home in the thick of my pain & sadness. He would come home & see me not knowing what to say or do. In his moments, I didn't know what to say or do either. Sometimes all we could do, is cry & hold each other.

Somewhere in the silence of our pain, we started to slowly drift from one another. To the point of almost getting lost. I can remember those days, nights, weeks, months, wondering if we'd end up losing each other permanently, in this thing they call "the grief process". Like it mentioned in all those books....how most married couples didn't survive the loss of a child.

I didn't want that to happen baby girl. I must of prayed that something happen or change to help us. I didn't know what that "something" was though.

But now I believe that maybe this was it. Hard to imagine that, that "something" had to be so drastic, like Daddy losing his job.

Looking down now, I'm sure you can see him resting & also grieving for you. Something he had to keep on the back burner for work's sake. Now you know, why we have been visiting you more often at the gardens. Why Daddy picked out a bouquet of fresh cut flowers for you last week...because he hasn't had the chance. He was always at work, or trying to rest from work.

It's amazing the way things turn out in life, my girl. I'm sure even if I were to live forever, I would still never figure things out. Maybe they aren't meant to be figured out. We have control over so many few things.

Sometimes, when we're too tired to keep swimming, we just float. That is where we are for now, just floating to keep above water. No island or land in sight.

Just a little piece of a rainbow in the distance, light but noticeable amongst the dark clouds..

Like the little piece of rainbow we saw on the 4th month anniversary of your passing. On that exact day, after a big storm passed, we went out to the deck to take this picture. I knew it was you sending us another sign....

So we will keep floating, gathering our strength to swim once again.

Always in view of the rainbow.

When we swim, it will be in that direction too.

Even if it's that little piece, it's enough to show some rays of color.

Because in a dark world,

A little piece of rainbow, is better than nothing.

Thank you for the rainbow, my beautiful angel.

We love you so much.

My heart aches to hold you again.

Missing you always,

Forever, your mommy.