I tried not to think of today as the "dreaded Monday", or of it being another holiday without you. But sometimes it's hard not to. While Daddy made breakfast with his special grits, & Sissy slept in after seeing "5sauce" in concert last night, Bella & I went out on the deck admiring the beautiful morning skies, so clear & bright. I always look for you...I always say hi. Bella joined me this morning, and we just held each other in tears thinking of you.
These last few days were quiet & boring, so we wanted to have the family over to spend the last day of summer with & also to celebrate Dylan's 9th birthday. We cooked out on the grill, enjoying the sun on the deck. Unfortunately, when it was time to take the kids to the pool, Dylan didn't feel good & stayed here with Auntie. He must of felt really sick to skip the pool. :(
I was worried & maybe a little over paranoid about his symptoms, after he complained of a stomach ache, had a little bit of labored breathing & just overall looked pale & sick. It just brought me back to that night before we took you to the hospital. I told Auntie what to look out for, in case he turned worse overnight...to just take him to the ER or an urgent care clinic & make sure they check his sugar. I didn't mean to scare her, but never again will I take any chances.
Funny, he seemed to feel better once Papi brought the cake. But then sick again before he left...
I don't know baby. I guess with what happened & after reading so many diagnosis stories from other type 1 moms, including Christina & Yasmeen, it just scares me. They all start out the same...flu like symptoms, misdiagnosed until they end up in the ER already in bad shape. The majority of them overcome that stage called DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). Others have not. You did not.... :(
It's another letter for another time my beautiful angel. There is just so much emotion attached to that, to what happened. Questions unanswered. Some of which I may have answers to soon. Long story.....but I don't know if they will cause more harm than good. I just don't know... What I do know, is that I have to know either way. I'm your mommy. I just have to.
I mean it started with you having a stomach ache one day & you were gone from us a couple days later. I will never be ok with that. It happened so fast...it was all a blur. Yet sometimes I recall every horrible detail. It's a harsh reality that is still hard to understand, to accept. It tears me apart each time I think about it. So for now, I'll have to stop.
I'm so sorry my angel.
I love you with all my heart my sweet girl. I have to believe that you are an angel in heaven, our angel & that God had a reason for taking you. That you are in a better place. I know...I know....
I will be praying for Dilly tonight & check up on him tomorrow. Please visit him tonight if you can, my angel.
I miss you.
Forever, your Mommy <3
💜 we were thinking of mouse too. We went to visit and D was a little sad that the heart shaped leaf he found her was gone. As we were heading to your house, he said: I'm going to text her mommy. She has a heaven phone."...she's always with us, Vani. And, I know this must've brought up so many emotions for you...I'm sorry. I wish I could take this away, I wish we would've all been together. I remembered last year so vividly, the ache in my heart and the emotions engulfing me. I remember her outfit and her smile and her beautiful black wavy hair...when I saw Bella today, I looked at her dress and I thought: Hailey would've loved her dress! 💜, the hug, Bella meeting us to the street before we came to the door--all reminded me, of our sweet angel. I remember those greetings, that smile, the hugs, the laughter, even when I hear a song that I remember the kids singing together, I think of her singing and dancing...💜
ReplyDeleteAs we headed home, Tyler said that when he stares at the stars he thinks of Hailey a lot. He was so happy that it was clear and we could see them so clearly tonight. Tyler said: Hailey made that happen, they're beautiful! 💜
ReplyDeleteso sweet, I remember all those things too. love my boys. I was looking at the stars too the night kayla went to the concert & thought of her. she will live forever in our hearts. love you. glad D is feeling better! love u
Delete