Precious angel

Dear Hailey,

Today Daddy & I went to visit you at the gardens. Just the two of us, while your sisters were at school. We miss you so much little girl. We couldn't help but cry & hold each other. We talked to you too. Daddy told you about how Bella convinced us to buy her Chick Filet & take it to her lunch at school today. But we wanted to see you first, because we knew you'd be jealous.

We told you how much we love & miss you, and that we know we're going to see you one day. Daddy said, "he can't wait."

We also wanted to make sure they did as promised, to lay some seeds & hay down on your spot there, to let some grass grow. Every time we visit, we are constantly pulling weeds out, but grass never grows. It looked nice at first....the day after the service.

Well, they did as promised. We are still working on your plaque. We told you that today too. That soon it won't look so bare. It's taken a longer time than usual because the first set of pictures we submitted were of "poor quality", according to the company that makes it. I guess because most of them were taken on my old cell phone, they looked ok on the computer but not great when printed out. :(

I've spent many many hours sorting pictures, my mouse. I wonder if you saw me here at home, surrounded by albums & boxes, trying to find the right ones. It was hard, because there are so many. It's been gut wrenching & therapeutic at the same time. So many pictures, so many memories of good times....they are all precious to me my beautiful girl.

So we submitted some new pictures. Again, they have to go through the approval & draft process. Another several weeks....if they come back again with something we are just going to the cancel the picture plaque & go with something more simple. We just want the best for you, something special, like you. Thanks to all the donations we received, we are able to make that happen. In the meantime, they gave us as a temporary plaque. One for the gardens & one for home.

This is the temporary one; the simple plaque.

We stand there looking down at you. I see your name. The dates. It still doesn't seem real...

It's like I'm looking at someone else's...visiting someone else. How can it possibly be you? When did this happen? How?

Why?

But it is real. Very real. So real that the reality of it swallows me whole...and I don't have the energy or motivation to fight my way out. I just sit there...allowing the grief to eat away at me.  Piece by piece, every inch of my heart.

We still have our good & bad days my mouse. Please don't worry. Visiting you always brings up these unexplainable feelings. Yet, we could never NOT. We comfort ourselves in knowing that only a part of you rests there.

That the real you, is free. Soaring high in the skies above, amongst the stars, moon & sun. Swimming as an enchanted mermaid in the bluest of seas. Laughing, dancing, & playing with your angel babies & friends. Up there in the heavens, knowing a kind of beauty we could only dream of.

The real you also lives in our hearts. Filling us with love & joy, just like you did here on Earth. Our memories of you, filling some of the emptiness & easing the pain of missing you.

The real you exists in all of us that loved you, and love you still. In everything that is beautiful.

Everything that is precious. Like you.

Our precious angel.

You were & will always be.

We will never forget.

Love you baby girl,

Always & forever,

Your mommy. <3