Wishes

My dear baby girl,

I don't know how to begin to tell you all the things that have happened since I last wrote. Sometimes I ask why even bother, since you probably already know- always watching from above. You might even have a better understanding, or special insight because you are our special angel.

But then again maybe not...maybe you are just as confused & confounded as we are. Either way, I'd still love to tell you & share the things you don't see, or can't hear. The thoughts that run silently through my head to the outside world, but ring noisily in my own mind. The feelings that lie there deep down inside, that can only be uncovered through these letters.

We miss you so much Hailey. If you are watching...if you are around, I wish so much that I can hug your spirit & tell you that everything will be alright. Just like I do with your sisters. To kiss you & wipe the tears away...

My hope is that there are no tears, because you already have the knowledge that we will get through this. My hope is high, because I feel an invisible crutch holding me up at the moment & I think that it is you. I can't explain it, other than it feels like a spiritual life line. Like I'm being encircled by a peaceful glowing halo & I feel protected. My sweet angel, it must be you.

Others think it's me. They say I'm strong, that I'm tough. But it's the furthest thing from the truth. If it wasn't for this life line, this crutch...I'm afraid I would fall into oblivion & never return.

Thank you my sweet girl.

***********

Yesterday, despite everything, there are two things that stood out to me the most. The first was; the 4 random pennies that appeared in my path throughout the day. I noticed the first one early in the morning, at the parking lot at work, just as I got out of the van. I didn't pay much attention because I was running late.

The second was at the gas station (Wawa) as I was pumping gas. I noticed it but didn't pay it no mind because it looked like it had been stepped on a few times. There's always change on the ground in those places... I did notice it was on heads though.

The third one though was on our front lawn, on the grass by our little garden. I noticed it only because I always check on your flowers before I come in the house. There it was just laying there almost all covered by grass...an older, less shiny penny. It made me pause & think & question. But I don't know why, I didn't pick it up & just left it there. I believe it was on heads...but I'm not completely sure.

I saw the fourth one, a bright shiny newer one, on heads, on the steps going up to the entrance of the ER that we took Daddy to yesterday.

This was one was very noticeable. Not surrounded or covered or hidden or dirtied. Right there in plain sight, my mouse. I saw it & it made me cry as we walked up to the front doors.  I could of easily collapsed right there and checked myself in as well as your Daddy. I was just so distraught, so exhausted. The thing we feared most was happening, like another terrible nightmare...

But I didn't. Your sisters were there too & just as upset. I thought about your pennies & accepted them as signs that once again, we were going to get through this.

********

The second thing was- us being in the van after dropping Daddy off, on our way home & wiping some of Sissy's tears away while she was sitting next to me. I looked over & she had an eyelash on her cheek. I took it & held it in front of her...told her to close her eyes, make a wish & blow. She looked at me with saddened eyes & said, "I don't make wishes." I looked at her and asked her why. She said, "I don't believe in them." With that, we both started to cry.

It broke my heart, Hailey. I can't tell you how deeply it affected me to hear your sister say that, because I knew she meant it. She usually keeps everything bottled up, showing little emotion. It always worries me. So, those few words, those two little sentences, spoke volumes.

I wish I could take that pain away....to make her believe again. To go back in time & change things, to have all those bad painful things seen, undone & unseen.

I vowed last night before I went to bed, that I would do whatever possible to make her believe again. Her & Bella too...

We have to believe my angel. We have to dream. We have to wish. What good is living, if we can't live without believing?

It's true, that not all wishes come true. I've had my heart broken & had my share of disappointments due to believing, dreaming & wishing. Life is not perfect. It's not all unicorns & rainbows...maybe Sissy is smarter & less naïve than I. Maybe she won't be foolish to make some of the mistakes I've made, because maybe I've believed too much.

But I do know I wouldn't of made it this far, specially after losing you...if I had lost my will to believe. I would of never had you to begin with either, my sweet girl.

As for wishes & dreams it's true, you have to make most come true too, all by yourself sometimes.

My wish to see you again, I know will come true one day...
My wish for us to heal first, to make your sisters believe & trust again, is going to come from hard work, strength & love. That wish, my mouse, I will have to make come true.

I won't stop believing that it can happen.

I love & miss you with all my heart.

Forever & always,

Your mommy <3

Saw this just today, left from the sleepover this past
weekend with Daniela & Natalia. Looks like we ran
out of E's. :) I always see the signs my Hailey..