How?

My sweet girl,

I finally have a little time to write. The days continue to fly by & it's been busier than ever. I sometimes think it's better this way. It seems like the quieter slower days that allow time for more reflection as of lately are the hardest.

Mainly, because we don't have much good to reflect on. These last few weeks have been nothing but heartache. Our lives have once again have been turned upside down. Trying to stay positive & remain strong takes a lot of energy & effort. It leaves us drained. So when we're not busy with work or school, we're trying to catch up on lost sleep. Taking naps, mental breaks & looking for ways of distraction from our current situation.

I've been trying to pick up extra hours at work when I can. We've gone out to dinner a couple of times with friends (Christina, Cecilia & the kids), had a girls sleepover with them too, movies, fall festivals, Bella's soccer...good, fun, positive things that keeps us out of the land of miserable.

Of course we think of you while we're doing all these things. At the sleepover, I was imagining you wearing your mud mask & doing a make-over on Anna, Ava, Bella or me. At the festival, Bella said she missed you. She misses her partner in crime. But it helped to be around my friends & the kids. New memories & adventures but always including you when we can.

The only thing I bought for myself that day, was a pretty little brown haired ceramic mermaid with a blue tail (they didn't have purple), that I placed on your dresser next to the other knick knacks I've bought and started to collect for you. They are just souvenirs for the many times your presence was felt in the places we've been.

There are many souvenirs so far, my little mermaid.

**********

One thing we haven't been doing much of is keeping in contact with family. We've missed a couple of birthday parties in the last couple of weeks. I haven't been able to pick up the phone to talk to anybody. Besides my usual rescuers (you know who they are), I haven't been able to bring myself to reach out to anyone. I've preferred to stay hidden, wallowing in my own self pity. :(

But it was only temporary, my sweet angel. Yesterday, Alina came over & I updated her on everything that's been going on. Of course she was as shocked & saddened as everyone else. She, like so many have offered to help. Asking what can they do.....how can they help? I wish I knew.

I wish I knew the answer, so I would then know what to tell them. But very like me, if I had the vaguest idea....I would then probably just do it myself. It's not that I don't like or appreciate any help, or that I'm too proud, my mouse. I just don't know how to ask for it. How do I distribute the weight on my shoulders that I am so regularly accustomed to carrying?

It's not a matter of won't or can't.....it's just a matter of how?

But I do so much appreciate all the love & concern they have shown. Sometimes I feel their frustration when they ask how can they help & I don't have an answer. I try to let them know I'm thankful & reassure them that I will not hesitate if & when the time comes. I try to tell them that just being there, means so much. Like how Alina came over after a long day at work, going home to cook for her babies, then staying late just to hear me talk, cry & hug me when I needed one.

How my brother and Zuli said they are just a phone call away & if needed they'd be in the car & on their way over...all the way from Tennessee. All I have to do is say the word. Auntie, Papi, Ayde, my friends & extended family too...

I wish they could understand how much of their love inspires the strength in me. And how much more valuable to me that is, at a time when I need it the most...than anything in this world.

It convinces me that we can go on. That we can overcome. So much so....

that the HOW doesn't seem as important anymore.

The simple answer becomes; with love.

Because if you have love, my baby girl, than you have everything.

As they say: Rich in love.

We have it. You also have it. The tons of love from your mommy & sisters & so many others....

That will never fade. It will never pass.

It will live forever & ever, in our hearts.

It will be enough to get us by, until we see you again.

We will never let go of that love, my mouse. Because it will one day lead us back to you.

Always remember that, how much we love you. And I know you love us...

To the moon, up to heaven, around the universe & back.

Forever, your mommy