7 months

My angel,

I'm writing this letter now, because the next few days will be busy. It's Sissy's birthday weekend & we will be starting to celebrate tomorrow with her friends. She said earlier today, that she just realized her party tomorrow is on your 7 month anniversary. :(

I told her I knew when she first planned it, but I didn't want to ruin it for her by even mentioning it. And that it still shouldn't ruin it for her. I know you would want her to go ahead & have fun. Then she remembered how last year she wanted Victoria Secret underwear for her b-day (because that's what all the girls wear). You said, "Don't worry sissy, I'll convince Mommy. I'll make sure you get some." Then even though you never told her what I bought, you were so excited that she already knew I ended up folding & buying her some (only the cotton kind.) lol

You always managed to convince me somehow. We were laughing just picturing you & your funny expressions & sassiness. It's always nice to talk about you with your sisters, my girl. There are so many memories. We talk & reminisce & laugh & smile....but most important we keep your memory alive. You're always with us.

*********

Another thing that we didn't plan on, but will be doing tomorrow, is passing out some awareness flyers in Bella's class. I got permission from the principle & Bella's teacher first, ordered the awareness bracelets, had the flyers printed & they just came in the mail today. I happen to be off tomorrow...it was meant to be. :)

Bella helped me make them while Sissy was busy studying. They turned out great baby girl. Bella is so excited. I told her I know you are so proud of her. I asked her too before I did anything how she felt about the idea. She thought it through before answering, "Ok Mommy, but I want you there with me." Of course...of course I will be there. I need her to be there too...

So here they are.

Hailey's Angels on one side. Type 1 Diabetes awareness on the other.

I would say, I hope you like them. But I know you do. Realizing we'd be passing them out on your 7th month anniversary did get me emotional this morning. I started to doubt if it was a good idea...I was picturing myself breaking down at even the mention of it, in front of the whole class. :(

But when your sisters came home from school & saw the bracelets & flyers, they said "Oh, just in time for Hailey's anniversary. That's good Mommy." So I thought...maybe they're right. In honor of you, on your 7 month "anniversary".....(we decided we don't really like that word. I suggested "angelversary" because that what the other moms in the bereaved group use. Bella said it sounds a little better)

I know it may not seem like much, mouse. But it's a big step for us. We don't just do it for you & to save others....we do it for us too. It's healing in a way I can't really explain. I've seen it explained in pamphlets, books & articles about grieving, but I just can't quite explain it in my own way.

Maybe it's the feeling of sheer goodness to be doing something good. Or the pride in knowing it's not only for a good cause but it's your name, your honor; our Hailey. And we want the world to know. We don't want them to forget..

Maybe it's also the anxiety of picturing another mother losing her child to this horrible disease and wanting to reach her, before it's too late. Wanting to save her & her dying baby...:(

Or maybe it's the tremendous relief I feel in knowing I'm making myself useful & not buried in deep depression somewhere. In knowing that even though I once thought about giving up, I fought to survive. I find reasons to still fight....we all do. And as long as we find reasons, we'll be ok.

Maybe this represents all of that?

I don't know my sweet girl.

There are so many reasons. Or put much simpler, the way Bella said as we were putting the flyers together, "Mommy this feels good. I like doing these crafts. Even though I'm not good at it, I like doing this with you. It keeps my mind off other stuff." I know what "other stuff" she's talking about..

And I responded, "Yes you are Bella. You are good at crafts. You are good at many things." She looked at me & smiled. "Only with instructions." :)

Wish us luck tomorrow baby girl.
I know you will be with us, by our side.
At school & with Sissy.

I will think of your message all day to keep me from breaking down.
I will think of you, my one & only sweet Hailey mouse.

I love & miss you.
Forever, your mommy. <3