Dreams

 

Good morning sweet angel,

 

It's a rainy sleepy Saturday morning. Just sitting here thinking of you. We just had cheese omelets & turkey bacon, your favorite. Bella helped me make them & we ate while Sissy was sleeping. Seems like it's becoming a new Saturday tradition. Bella & I are the first ones up, but we all actually slept in late today, must be the rain.

 

I don't know if you heard me telling Bella about my dream(s) last night. You were in one of them. I don't know if it's because I was already thinking of you before I fell asleep. We saw one of your favorite movies last night- Just Go With It. Of course, it reminded us of you. You'd watched it on repeat & knew every word, every accent. You even made me buy it for you. It's one of those movies you can watch over & over (and you did) & it's just as funny each time. :)

 

 

***********

I held you in my dreams last night. We were in a crowded pool & everyone was scattered. It was an indoor pool, but one of those big wave pools they have in amusement parks. I remember being around a large group of people (some of who I knew, maybe co-workers?) & talking to them until all of a sudden a fight broke out next to us. Daddy appeared & I asked him to find you girls, so we could leave.

That's when I saw you from across the pool. Alone, small & scared, hugging yourself & looking right at me. I struggled my way to you. You didn't say anything to me, just looked at me with those sad beautiful brown eyes. I picked you up & cradled you like a baby. You had your hair in a ponytail but I don't remember you being in a bathing suit.

I just remember having you in my arms & struggling to find a way out. Daddy & your sisters were following us. We walked alongside of the pool, trying to find an exit. The pool was big & it seemed to have different parts & depths. We reached the deepest part where people were actually in there snorkeling! And we saw a huge sea turtle!

Finally we found the exit that lead us to some kind of maze. It was cold & cloudy...almost like walking into a fridge, where the doors & walk ways were made out of metal. Then I woke to use the bathroom. I still was sleepy & remembered my dream. Remembered you...

I went back to sleep & immediately had a different dream, in an unknown house with most of the family there. I remember telling Ayde about the dream I just had...a dream within a dream...and she said we needed to talk to you. She asked to find a candle, so we could "talk" to you. I looked frantically for a candle...at one point I remember even finding a big purple one. But I was hesitant. Like I didn't think it was a good idea. Like it wouldn't be a good idea to disturb you... :(

Somehow we got distracted with the kids & Tio B being hungry & went to make food. Maybe using that as an excuse to leave the idea of the candle & the séance alone...I don't know honey. What a strange dream. But then again, I always have strange dreams but never write them down.

I never really try to analyze them either. I just remember the frightened look in your eyes & having your small body in my arms, cradling you like a baby..... :(

I know it was just a dream, and you are ok. I hope....I hope you are in the heaven we all imagine, a place of paradise & peace. I hope you aren't sad my sweet girl. I know if you are with God that would be impossible.

I pray there is no meaning to the dream. I pray that the next time I see you, it will be your happy smiling self. Like this picture that Papi posted last night on Facebook:

Taken at Hershey Park a couple of summers ago. My
sweet mouse, we love you.

We love you Hailey.
We remember you like this always.
Smiling sweetly & laughing...

Like last night,
Remembering you cracking up at your favorite parts of the movie.
Watching TV in your yoga poses.
(because you could never just sit normally to watch TV & it always reminded me of Dana & her yoga poses. :)

We miss you baby girl,
Every single day. It's hard not being able to hold you...the real you. The healthy happy girl we all remember...

I hope you can make it to Bella's game today. It's her last game. Hope it stops raining by then.

I will look for you in the sky, in the breeze, in the soft tricking of the rain.

I will look for you always.

Love you forever,
Forever, your mommy.