Tonight we went to mass at Holy Trinity, the same church we held your service at. It was a mass of remembrance for you & all the other beautiful souls that have passed on this year...so many names & the year isn't even over yet. We got the invitation in the mail last week & I knew we had to go.
He talked about us being humans after all & how suffering is normal after losing someone we love, but how we have to be careful about not "getting stuck in sadness".
He talked about healing & praying...for you & ourselves too.
When I pray, I do always pray for all of us. I always ask God that he take care of you until I get there.
I pray that he give us strength to get through this...to heal.
No matter what my beliefs or battles have been with God....I still pray.
Because deep down, I do believe.
I have to belief, in something good in order to go on. We all do.
This is the second mass we've attended. The first one was over the summer. It was at All Saints in Manassas. It was set up by my doctor's nurse- who happened to see me on the day I went to get checked for my anxiety attacks. With a lot of concern she asked, "Is there anything I can do for you? On a personal level?" I said I didn't know. She asked for your name & wrote it on a piece of paper. Weeks later I got this in the mail & we went:
I'm glad we went to that mass too, my angel. We needed it. It was uplifting & it helped us understand a little better, that you are in a better place now. How one day we will see you again...how I'm not the only one who believes it. How I don't just believe it because it's written in a book somewhere. I believe it, because I can truly feel it's truth from the bottom of my heart. From that bond that ties us forever as mother & daughter. <3
I have saved every card we received since you passed. I didn't pack them away...they're in a drawer in the living room so that at any given time, if we need some more uplifting...we could read through them. All the heartfelt well wishes, and among them these too:
See how many teams of people we had praying for you? For us? And still are...my mouse.
It touched my heart then & it still does now. To realize there are still good people in this world.
To know they care...
That despite different beliefs & faiths, the good side of humanity exists & it speaks the same language of hope & healing.
I realized this getting these in the mail. I realized this at your service, at the first mass & again during tonight's' mass.
It's a message we need to hear over & over. Again & again, because it's our only weapon to fight off that devastating grief.
When they called your name tonight among the others who passed, my heart sank. I gripped Bella's hand harder. The tears started flowing against my will.
Who would of ever thought....
Not me. Not her. Not Sissy. No one. :(
Of course it's still painful. I've learned the pain will always be there, even if in different forms.
Because we will always miss you & wish you physically here by our side.
So we'll have to do whatever it takes to sooth it. To remember the good. If it takes a hundred masses, we'll go to each one.
To remember the good & remain in the light is all the hope we have. Until we see you again...
Loving & missing you my Hailey.
I felt your presence tonight.
Even before mass.
When we went for a walk with the girls.
In almost 70 degree weather, as soon as I stepped outside,
I felt a distinct chill & the goose bumps rose on my arms.
As we walked & I was telling Sissy about it,
A cool breeze drifted through the trees,
Reached down & moved lightly through us.
I knew it was you.
Then you flew ahead of us to where Bella was,
Riding her bike...
I used to be afraid of letting you go too far away from me.
Even here on Earth.
But now I know I shouldn't be.
Because no matter how high you fly,
You'll always come back to me.
Fly high my sweet girl. Fly high. Don't be afraid.
One day I will reach you....& fly right beside you.
Sweet dreams for now.
Forever, your mommy. <3
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