9 months

My dear sweet Hailey,

Nine months ago...while flying back from Bolivia, I had a thought of our plane crashing & all of us dying. I think I might of even wished it...

I remember thinking, that would of been the only thing to stop the pain I was feeling...

I remember thinking of how I didn't want to be on that damn plane, with your ashes in a small wooden box, sitting on your seat, where you should have been....

I remember asking again & again, how was possible, that this happened? I couldn't comprehend, that just a week before, you were sitting across the aisle from me....

Where I was able to reach over, & touch you. And now....not.


All I knew, is that I didn't want to live in a world where such things could happen....

I didn't want to live in a world, so cruel & unjust. That I couldn't live another minute longer with the heaviness of the pain that was crushing my insides...to the point where I couldn't breath....

There I sat on that plane, looking out the window, with these thoughts in my mind....wishing to God that he just do something to take us all away....that it be quick & painless...

& that it lead us to wherever you were.

That is real & true, and I don't think I ever told anyone that...

I was afraid if I did, they'd lock me up in a looney bin. So instead, I just wept inside, in silence, all the way back home, then some long months afterwards...

Oh my sweet angel...

Tomorrow will be 9 months & I recalled all this, during our trip.  It hit me all over again, as I was sitting on that plane, looking out the window.

And I did look for you in the skies like I promised.

I stared out onto the vastness of the clouds, that were soaring above all our lands, oceans, mountains, highways...

& below the heavens of a giant universe with stars, galaxies & worlds yet undiscovered...

& while I felt I was closer to you in theory...because I know you are somewhere beautiful & magical...

I soon realized that I didn't need to be there...flying in those skies, to feel closer to you.

Because you will be living forever in my heart.

And there is no place closer to me than that.

My beautiful angel. It's true.

I touch my heart & there you are....breathing, beating....your love pumping through my veins, circling deep in my inner soul.

There you are...and will always be.

My heart. My Hailey.

I love you always.

Forever,

Your mommy