Random act of kindness

My mouse,

I woke up yesterday missing you so much. After your sisters went to school, I went to your bedroom, moved your babies over (promising to put them back just the way they were) & crawled under your covers. I laid there for a while, tears streaming down my face, hugging Mr. Cuddles (your giant teddy bear that takes up half the bed:), whispering to you..."I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry..."

I looked around, like I often do & try to take it all in- everything that is you. All the memories, your things, even your smell that is still there...

I've told your sisters, that even if we ever move again, I still want to keep your room. It's still a place we can go, when we want to feel closer to you.

We cry, smile, laugh, pray & talk to you there...similar to when we visit you at the gardens or Church. In those moments when grief hits us harder than usual, we need someplace to be able to retreat.

It's amazing to me, how the human spirit can adjust to almost anything, my angel. Slowly, but surely we are learning to adjust living this new life, with all the changes that have occurred these 9 months, along with all the emotions that have come with it.

We cry, we feel, we fall....but we manage to wipe the tears away after we're done. We don't try to suppress the waves when they come, because we've learned it's no use. If we fall, we've learned to just get back up.

And here we are, still standing.

*********

We wanted to do something special for you, like we do every month, on the 20th. It also happened to be the 3 year "angelversary" of a little girl named Ellie, who's mom I follow on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/events/542222705936331/permalink/549679111857357/


Her mom set up an event- Random Act of Kindness Day; in honor of her angel. She asked that everyone volunteer in a random act of love & kindness in her memory, because much like you, she was a beautiful girl filled with love & kindness.

So your sisters and I went to drop off food at Giant, for the local Haymarket Food Pantry that feeds the homeless. :)

In memory of Hailey & Ellie

Random act of kindness

Then we went to the gardens to place a purple butterfly ornament on your flowers that my friend Christina gave me for Christmas & another I bought; silver angel wings with a crystal tear drop dangling, that says "Daughter, you are my angel."

Because you are, baby girl. And even though it doesn't get easier, I'm always trying to find a way to keep your memory alive in a positive way.  Just like Ellie's mom. I'm glad we participated in doing something good, remembering you in a good way...instead of crying the day away.

When your sisters & I went to see a therapist about a month ago, she asked us how we remember you. We told her how we write to you, go to Church, balloon releases, candle lighting...all the things we've done so far. She agreed with all of it, saying that it's important in the healing & grieving process. She encouraged us to keep talking about you when needed, to keep your memory alive...

I was really glad to hear that coming from her. A third party; professional; whatever you want to call it...just to let me know I was doing something right (specially after some criticism I heard from a couple family members).

I know everyone has their own way of grieving. I've learned that it's ok. There's no rule book. But this is our way, and I hope it will always be.

To remember your smiling face, like sunshine. To make sure we spread a little of that sunshine.

Because I can still see you smiling down upon us, my angel.

Even in these cold winter days, I can feel your warmth protecting us.

We will never forget. How can we? You were & always be a part of us.

I love & miss you.

Forever, your mommy.