Trying

Dear Hailey,

We blinked & it's a new year already. I was looking forward to the holidays being over, and now here we are. A brand new year.

I remember in the past, really feeling a sense of a 'new year'. Allowing permission to rid ourselves of some baggage & feeling that sweet exhaling relief of letting go...

The feeling of excitement as we looked at the path ahead, filled with promise, holding in our hand a list of resolutions & declarations. A map to happiness...

I don't feel that way this year, baby girl. Not so far. And if I haven't already, it's most likely that I won't.

Everything's different now. Everything's changed.

I shed a few tears as we toasted sweet sparkling cider together (our tradition); us girls, Grandma & Pop Pop. I tried hard to hold in the feelings of sadness & regret, that were swelling up my heart to the point of explosion. Instead what we heard at the strike of midnight, was the sound of fireworks outside the living room window.

I'm glad it was a distraction to the tears that managed to escape (but I know were still noticed). New Year's is a time of reflection after all, how could I not reflect on all that's happened? Look ahead to the new year, without you my beautiful girl?

We know you are here in spirit. But we still miss you; the physical you & that won't ever change. New year or not. :(

But we lit a candle that night, knowing you were there with us. Acknowledging that you are always with us. We got the mozzarella sticks you love, along with all the other regular hors d'oeuvres (horseduvers :) we get; pizza bagel bites, shrimp cocktail, pigs in a blanket...

I was glad to have your sisters back, grateful to have Grandmom & Pop's company & that they were able to pick the girls up & drop them off. That the girls had a chance to spend time with your cousins. I'm sure you were there with them too.

******

Oh, my sweet Hailey.

My hope is for strength to go on. To find good ways to keep your memory alive. To make you proud.

We've looked into making a donation to the homeless shelter in Manassas, in your memory. It was the last project you worked on, before we left for Bolivia. It was a community service project, you & your group chose: homelessness. You worked on a poster board & pamphlets based on the research you & your group did. I still have the pamphlet. I've held on to it, so we could make the donations you suggested. We have bags of groceries in the trunk, but time ran out on us. Now we have to wait on a day when we're all off again at the same time (don't worry they're non perishables, they won't go bad ;)... I want your sisters to be there with me, when I drop them off. I want it to be meaningful.

Also, my mouse. I'm excited about another possible awareness project I've been reading about & researching for some months now. Today I spoke to the mom of another little girl, Reagan, who also passed due to DKA Type 1 Diabetes almost 2 years ago, from South Carolina. Her mom's been devoted to this project, working hard & with wonderful results.

All her hard work & dedication have come from the same place; her heart. We had a good long talk to day. We walk on the same exact path, my angel. And I know you are with her angel up there too.

She gave me some background information on the project, shared her experiences, & told me how to get started. She also offered help & asked that I contact her if I have any questions along the way...

Her last words to me were, " I love you. I don't know you, I've never met you, but I love you. Know that you are not alone."

I love her too my mouse.

And I love you.

I won't make any promises or resolutions for this new year except for this:

I promise to always try.
I will try to go on.
I will try to not only exist but to live & love.
Love with no fear.

No matter the path, no matter where it will lead me, you will always be with me.

See you in my dreams,

My beautiful angel.

Forever, your Mommy <3