Dreams

Dear baby girl,

There's so much I want to tell you I don't know where to start...

First before I forget, I wanted to write about the dream I had of you yesterday morning. Bella & I fell asleep in Sissy's room after she left for school. We try & get up every morning & have breakfast with her (Bella is better at that than me), then fall back asleep until it's time to drop Bella off.

There you were, clear as day, my beautiful girl. A couple years younger...happy & very much alive.

We were in some house, in some room, that I've never seen before. I had just taken a shower & somehow the water leaked all over the floor. When you walked in, I was bending down trying to clean it up with towels...

I looked up when I heard the door open & there you were, in an Easter outfit I bought for you a few years ago...one for you & one for Bella. It was a long white sleeveless top printed with pink, purple & yellow hearts. Bella's had green in it too, but it was a different print....

You were wearing your favorite pink shorts with it. Your hair was in a ponytail that was bouncing up and down, as you pranced around the room, smiling and giggling. You asked me what I was doing & I told you. You asked me about the room & I said, "Oh you've never seen this room? It's our guest room! See the bed & the dresser? And there's a shower too...."

I remember smiling as I was talking to you & you smiling back. We were both happy, my mouse. As I was showing you the dresser, I turned awkwardly & accidentally knocked over a tray of beads on the floor...

I said "Oh my god" and we both laughed. I asked if you would help me pick up the beads. They were pretty plastic ones of all different colors & designs; but mostly purple. You said yes, but as I knelt down to pick them up you just sat beside me instead. Your legs were stretched out in front of you & you were barefoot. I remember noticing you weren't helping me, but I didn't mind.

The last thing you said was, "Those beads are mine, ok Mommy? Don't let anybody touch my beads." I said, "Ok mouse."

*****

Next thing I know, it's a different day & I'm in a completely different room. I'm with my Dad, telling him of the dream I just had.

A dream within a dream.

And I realized, it was just a dream.

And you were gone again....

*****

Did you come visit me, my mouse? Or was I just thinking of you? Did you come visit me smiling, prancing & laughing this time, because I was sad that you looked so sad in my last dream... from a while ago?

I don't know, I can only hope that you found a way to come visit me. But either way, it made me happy all day. I couldn't stop thinking; envisioning your face, your smile, hearing your voice & your laugh...

And hearing you tell me that you don't want anyone to play with your beads. You never did like to share....does that mean you don't want anyone in your room playing with your stuff? Were you mad when I gave Valeria the little diaper bag she found the day she visited & played in your room? :)

If so, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd mind. It wasn't the one you always played with & carry around. It was brand new, didn't even look like you ever took the diapers & bottles out...

It was the first thing of yours that I've given away. I was proud of myself for taking that big step...but maybe it's not quite time yet.

I love you...

****

Also, if you can, please visit Bella in her dreams. When I told her of mine, she got sad. She asked why you never come visit her.....I felt bad. I apologized for even telling her, I didn't know she'd have that reaction. I also told her I'm sure you do, it's just that she's a deep sleeper and probably just doesn't remember. A really deep sleeper; my little snorer. <3

I also reminded her of the dream she did have where you came to visit & took her to the playroom with all the old toys you used to share...

We just all miss you Hailey.

So much, that any sign, any chance we get to feel closer to you, matters.

Uncle Mikey sent this pic of the rainbow he saw this morning, with this caption:

Hailey saying hi this morning :)

We all miss you. We all love you. We are always thinking about you....

****

There is more that I wanted to tell you, but I will wait for tomorrow my sweet angel.

I'm thankful I'm able to write to you. I'm thankful to have the means, the strength & the time.

I'm thankful for all the memories.

I'm thankful to be your mommy.

See you in my dreams, ok?

Goodnight.

Forever,
Your Mommy <3