Letting it out

My mouse,

This past week has been so hard for me. I don't know why, but it's felt like it did in the very beginning. By yesterday, I was at my breaking point...

I'm still learning, that there's just no trying to deny or ignore grief, baby girl. The heart feels what it feels. And mommy's just misses you so much.

I felt bad that I upset Daddy & Bella, who were right beside me when I finally broke down & cried. Bella hugged me, brought me a box of tissues & wiped my tears. She said, "It's ok Mommy, just let it out."

She's so sweet & strong with such a good heart, just like you. Just like Sissy too. It never stops to amaze me. I'm so lucky to have my girls. I'm glad Sissy was already asleep in her room because I didn't want to upset her too. But I hope she cries too when she needs to...

I wish there was another way, baby girl. But the truth is, there's no avoiding these moments when they come. Like Bella said, sometimes you have to just let it out. A good cry helps. It relieves some of that pain that's been building up; that pain that is looking desperately for a way out.

We all did cry. But then as we were talking about you, about how much we miss you, we started to also recall memories of you. Most of them were funny, because you were our funny crazy mouse.

Like when you & your sister would play "Alina" (after your Auntie Alina), who you always admired for being so pretty & fashionable. :)

You'd put on a cute outfit with my high heels on, keys & purse in hand, toting around your beloved babies in a stroller or a car seat, dropping them off to the 'babysitter's' (me). Then you'd give me instructions for their nap times & feedings. Then you'd go off to 'work'. But you only really walked to the corner of the room & watched me intently while I followed your orders...

Your favorite part was when I burped your babies. You'd smile with pride that I was doing my job & within a minute or two, you came back to pick them up again....We'd do this over & over until we (usually me) grew tired. Then you would find Bella & continue to play Alina, usually fighting about whose turn it was to be her. :)

I know you were there last night listening & laughing, my angel. I know you saw our tears turn to smiles & laughter. I could hear your laughter too. The silly laugh that I miss....

We were so tired, we went right to sleep. I know you were right there...cuddling between us.

****

Sometimes to seek the truth

We have to strip down the layers

Of our soul

To almost barely nothing at all

To see in a true light, in bareness

What lies underneath

To discover the treasures and discard of the waste

I've seen what lies within mine, because of you

Love

So simple, so pure, so true

But so powerful and fierce

That even in the darkest of days

In the dimmest of light

It will always be there

Giving me life
In this world

And be there to carry me
Into the next
To finally be set free

That is where I will find you
One of my most precious
Treasures of them all
 

v.t.e

 

angel

 

*****

                                                 In this world & in the next one...I love you

Always & forever,
Your mommy