The heart, mind & soul

My Dear Hailey,

This might be one of those nights where as the rest of the world sleeps; I stay awake thinking of you.
Your sisters & Daddy are in bed now. Tomorrow is another Monday. School. Work. Time keeps ticking...

I sometimes wish we could just stop time for a moment. But how long would that be? How long would it take, in order for everything in this world to feel right again?

There's so much going on lately, baby girl. Everyone has problems I know, but I can't help but feel the weight of those problems on my back, of the people I love most. My family & friends. So much worry, stress & pain. They're such good people & it's so unfair.

I guess that's how I could tell some of the 'old me' is slowly coming back to life. I clearly remember those first few months, being in an almost-catatonic state of mind, when it came to the troubles of the outside world. Someone could of told me we were at war or the end of the world was coming, and I wouldn't of cared. It wouldn't of mattered. All that mattered is that you were gone & the pain from that was more than I could bear. And that it was impossible to take in anymore.

I believe the heart takes over at that point. It realizes this as it's trying to hold in all this pain & sorrow, to the point of explosion, and it talks to the brain. It says: ok brain, if we want to save this poor soul make her numb to the outside world. For the pain she feels of her immense loss is too great & she cannot bear anymore. Make her numb for now until she slowly gains back her strength. I will let you know when it's time again. Do this; for it is vital for our survival.

Oh, my mouse. I hope I don't sound crazy to you. It's just the only explanation to me. They say our mind protects us from trauma....but I believe it's the heart. I believe it's our heart that protects us. The love that lives there is so great & powerful; it has the ability to save or break us. But it needs the mind's help.

****

We try & continue to live with papi's motto: to stay positive. We know that we can't stop time, so we keep going. But to do that we need help too. We need each other. We need love to support one another.

We went to visit you like we do every Sunday. We got a chance to go to Church too. But they are not the only places we talk & pray, my beautiful angel. It's just another chance for us to tell you how much we love & miss you. Another chance to ask God & Jesus to watch over you & to give us strength to keep going.

Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. We miss you.

With all our hearts, our minds & souls. We love you.

Good night my sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3