Dear Haileymouse,
Easter was really tough to get through, without another wave of grief hitting hard. I knew it was going to be...but I thought I'd be able to keep it together long enough for no one else to notice. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way.
For the first time, I wasn't there when the girls dyed their eggs. I wasn't there for the egg hunt. I pretended to be busy downstairs in the basement, so I didn't have to watch. I just couldn't baby girl. Just like Christmas, when I was picturing all the kids gathered together; opening their gifts in excitement; knowing you should be there too; imagining you there, but not actually seeing you there....I knew it would be too much to handle. I skipped Christmas for that reason. I didn't want to ruin it for anyone else, so only your sisters went & Daddy stayed with me. How could I take Christmas away from them?
I couldn't take Easter from them either. It's long become the tradition- Easter at Grandma's. You remember how she went all out, like she did for every occasion. But Easter was always extra special. Coloring eggs, making the bunny cake, pies, Ham, mac n cheese & sides, Easter gifts for all the girls, Easter baskets filled with every kind of chocolate & candy....& epic Easter egg hunts in her back yard, not only with the real eggs you all dyed but with plastic ones she filled with quarters. So many good memories, thanks to her. <3
*****
Maybe I should have skipped it all by myself, baby girl. As much as I tried to hold back the tears, by the time dinner was ready & we were all gathered around the dinner table, holding hands & praying...
listening to Nanny pray, then feeling her tightly squeeze my hand, like a signal to let it go....like she was telling me, "Ok, alright now, let it out. Let it go..."
I did.
Right into her arms I went. It was like I was drawn to her in some way that I still can't explain. As we hugged & cried, she whispered in my ear, "God loves you. Jesus loves you." I opened my eyes to see she was crying too. It was the first time I saw her cry. The girls too. And maybe even Grandma & Pop Pop & Uncle Chris & Aunt Didi.....I don't know.
All I know is that suddenly I heard others crying too, but what mattered more at that exact moment; as I was looking into Nanny's eyes; was that something almost magical was happening between us. How do I explain it my mouse? It's almost like I don't have to, because you were there. Like Nanny said later,
"Oh I knew when I woke up this morning, she would come. I knew she would be here, and she was."
It was as if something passed through us as we hugged. As if she somehow physically, at that very moment, lifted the heavy burden in my heart. And without words, I know she knew. I looked into her eyes & knew she felt it too. And just like that, I was able to turn around & give hugs to Daddy & your sisters, dry my tears, and sit back down to have dinner.
Needless to say, I didn't leave Nanny's side for a long time. Some time afterwards, she patted my leg and asked "You feeling better?" I said yes. And she said, Good!
I will never ever, for the rest of my life, tease Nanny for being "too" religious or let anyone else tease her either (because they do). Because my angel, I found out that day, she is truly touched by God. And what I felt was that touch passing on to me, helping to ease my soul....
And you; His angel & mine; was there.
The only other person that noticed it, was Daddy. When we talked it about it later, he said what he saw was like "electricity passing through between Nanny & you."
It's true. That's exactly what it felt like. :)
I will never forget it, as long as I live. And I will never forget her. Nanny is 94 years old my mouse. Saying goodbye to her, I thought- this might be the last time I see her. You just never know...
But she was smiling away, telling me about how she knew you were coming for Easter. Telling me how she keeps a purple balloon in her apartment, that's been there for a long time but still has air in it, and how whenever she sees it, she thinks of you & says to herself, "Hi Hailey"....
I knew for a fact that
1. She is truly touched by God.
2. She is a beautiful soul
3. No matter if the last time or not, I will always want to remember her, just like that.
I love you my angel.
All the way up to the sky & around the universe...
Goodnight. <3
Forever,
Your Mommy
💜
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ReplyDeleteLately the weight of everything, I feel well nearly crush me. So I will hold on to my faith and seek God's will. His will- I have been struggling with what that means... why does He will things to be as they are? I don't know. What I know for sure is I have faith in Him- Whose son on earth was brought to death by man. And even being God, did not intercede, did not play favorites for His own begotten son. Perhaps because we are all His.
ReplyDelete"Trust the LORD with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" 3 Proverbs 5-6.
"My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights." 3:Proverbs 11-12.
And last, one [I promise]:
“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.”
[Those who are gone here on earth we will one day reunite with in Heaven to meet the LORD in n His kingdom, so hold on to that hope. She lives in Heaven, beside Good who is always with us, so she is a whisper-a prayer away. I believe that because he is always with us, she's close enough to send us signs; and those haileyflies, rainbows, sunrises and sunsets- all of those little signs are blessings, miracles].
thank you for sharing Z, I know this is true. It's taken all those signs to get through to this tough leathered heart. I'm too tired to be mad any longer, I do have faith & trust in God & believe that is the only thing that will get me through. love you <3
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