Living & surviving

My beautiful girl,

Each day we get up, we have to choose to live. Yes, we wake up alive. We are breathing, our hearts beating, our eyes open...but the choice to get up & live the day or just lay there & just survive: they are two different things.

Every day, we all make have to make that conscience decision. All of us; Daddy, me, Sissy & Bella. Daddy battles his disease every minute of every day & he has been beating it now for more than 3 months.  He's been keeping up with the medication & treatment they recommended & we are all very proud of him.

Sissy gets up at 5:30 every morning, gets ready on her own, makes her own breakfast, & goes to school- not missing days or skipping class, like I'm sure many high school kids do. Like I used to do. She gets good grades by studying & finishing her homework & projects on time. She helps me with Bella on my late nights & Saturdays while I'm at work. When she goes out with her friends, she pays attention to curfew & I trust her. I know she's not drinking or doing drugs or doing bad things with boys....She makes all those choices, my mouse.

Just like Bella. It's her choice to get up with Sissy in the morning to have breakfast with her & see her off to school (like a little mom). No one ever asked her to do that. Just like we don't have to remind her to do her homework & read. She does all that on her own & gets good grades too.

I think about all that everyday when I get up, baby girl. Every single morning, when the reality of our nightmare, paralyzes me once again.

I think about their courage & it gives me courage. I think to myself- I owe it to them. Not just you or me. But them too....because they could have easily given up. They still could. That's why every day forward, is crucial.

In the beginning we were just learning how to survive day by day. Learning & trying to cope with the torment & the pain. It was all we could ask for; to live through another day. Slowly, getting back into routine. Slowly, getting accustomed to this new life. Slowly learning how to pick up the pieces..

Slowly, learning how to live again. We are still learning my angel. With your help & God's help, everyday we take another step.


Today, Daddy had the day off.
He went to two meetings that is part of his treatment.
Bella & I walked to her school for the first time. Our goal is
to start walking everyday. We've been walking with Sissy
too after school too.

We went out for dinner. We went grocery shopping, Sissy
put everything away, like she always does.

It may not sound like much, but it's the little things that matter. Sure, we could do big things like we did over the weekend; like drive to another state to meet another family who lost their angel. We could watch & learn from them.

But it's another thing to apply what you've learned to everyday life. It may not seem like a hard thing to do, but it is. We still grieve. We still cry. We still hurt. None of that stops just because you choose to live.

As hard as it is to do without you..
In between the tears,
And the moments that hold our breath...

Missing and loving you,
Every step of the way...

We are choosing to live. And to love.

There was a time, when even that was unthinkable. We have come a long way, our angel.

I love you & Daddy & your sisters. With all my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy