Back pack

My beautiful girl,

A couple of years ago Papi went to Bolivia on his own & brought back some souvenirs. Just some small things- earrings & bracelets for you girls & these cute little Bolivian back packs for Daniella & Natalia. You fell in love with the back packs right away. Ever since then you said you wanted one. Papi promised that on his next trip, he would get you one....and you never forgot about that promise.

That's how you were. When you had your heart set on something, you never forgot. I usually would give in & buy whatever it was at the time; shoes, dresses, toys, etc. Every now & then I would say no & you would stay mad at me for days- not forgetting, not forgiving.....

Until I gave in. :)

I don't regret it now, of course.

When you learned about our trip to Bolivia to see my mom, the first thing you thought about was that darn back pack. It makes me laugh thinking of it now, because that's just how you were...

The thing that you were most happiest about, was that you were finally going to get one of your own & no longer have to envy the girls every time you went to visit them.

Of course, you didn't get the chance baby girl. And again my heart aches.

Believe it or not, that was in the forefront of my mind before leaving that place. I told Uncle Mikey that I had to get you the back pack before we left. I just had to. I explained why it was so important & he understood.

I just thought: at the very least, I can do this one thing for her. Even if it seemed so trivial, I knew it wasn't; because I know you. I thought: maybe it will help her rest in peace. Maybe if I don't get it... she won't.

So our last night there, just before all the stores closed; he came with me, Sissy & Bella to go find your precious back pack. We were on a mission.

Within minutes of closing, we finally found the perfect one. And I knew it would make you happy. We brought it home & it now hangs on your mini coatrack in your room.

Your precious back pack.

Every time I see it, I think of you & it makes me laugh & cry at the same time. I think how you always had me wrapped around your little finger- me & Daddy. How you had that charm & sassiness about you that almost always got you what you wanted. That face you made when you didn't...

How you once showed Bella your "puppy dog" face that you used to melt me & Daddy's heart. How you told her to practice it... lol

How I never got to see your face when you finally got your darn pack back. How I never will. How I can only picture it in my mind.

How life is just so unfair sometimes.

I love you baby girl.

I know you see it in your room. I know you know we got it for you. I know you probably have one in every color in Heaven.

And that will just have to do, to ease my heart.

Until I see you again,

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

Rocky

My sweet girl,

The days go by so fast. It's hard to believe that this month is almost over. It's hard to believe we even survived it. But here we are...

We went back to work & school & the last few days have been calm, except that we have been busy with our new puppy! I know that you helped pick him out for us. He's super cute, affectionate & crazy- a lot like Juno. :)

We had been talking about it for a while now, even before the trip. We had decided to get a dog for the summer- last summer. But then everything happened....and we forgot about it. Until recently my mouse. When we were thinking of ways we could honor your Act of Kindness Day; we remembered about wanting to adopt a puppy from a shelter or rescue. Then one thing led to another. Daddy talked to the landlord, we started looking (getting frustrated because everything's online now & a process), then exactly 2 weeks ago, on Daddy's day off- we were grilling outside because it was a beautiful day, waiting for your sisters to come home from school & something told me to check the shelter's website. Sissy checked as soon as she got home...


                                                        And there he was. :)

We went to see him right after we ate, just two hours before they closed & got to play with him outside & it was love at first sight. We adopted him that same evening, but couldn't take him home yet because he still had to be neutered. The shelter said he was just dropped off a few hours before we got there by his previous owners who decided to give him up because they didn't have time to take care of him. They had him in a crate for 8 to 12 hours a day. :(

But that's ok, because he was meant for us. I know because of the feeling I got, that you helped us find him. The staff at the shelter said it was good we got there when we did because his breed is popular & he would of already been adopted if we had waited until the next day.

So a few days later after he got snipped, we took him home & now he's become part of the family. :)

First car ride home from the shelter

Pretty hazel eyes

Always ready for a belly rub

His given name was Duncan, but we changed it to Rocky; after Daddy's favorite movie & character.

                                                          Daddy finally got a boy. :)

He likes laying by Daddy's feet.

And he puts on leg over his just like you girls
always used to do. :)



 

 

So far so good baby girl. Your sisters have bonded over him; taking turns walking & feeding him. They gave him his first wash Sunday too. His crate is downstairs by Sissy's room, so Bella sleeps with her now. He's actually helping all of us- by getting us out of the house & taking him on long walks & giving us something to smile about.

 

The house has a little more love, is a little messier & less quiet....just the way it should be.

 

We thought about keeping his original name Duncan because we know Duncan Donuts was one of your favorites, even thought maybe that's why you picked him. :) But we all thought Rocky suits him better. Hope you don't mind...

 

.........

 

The other thing we did for your Kindness day, thanks to Auntie was walk/a little jog a 5k race in Haymarket where all the proceeds went to Make-A-Wish foundation. They help make wishes come true for children that are terminally ill. We had fun, even in the pouring rain.

5 k Family Fun race at Gravely

 

Then we went home to warm up & Auntie & Dylan got
to play with Rocky. She loves his floppy ears :)

.............

 

There's a couple of other small things we did too baby girl, like clean the plaques next to yours at the gardens. They had just mowed for the first time this season and the plaques were covered in grass.

 

Bella is the caretaker of that place, always placing things upright if they were knocked over, or returning something to the right place if the wind blew it away....

That's your sister. :)

 

 

 

My sweet angel-

I think about you all the time. This morning while I was walking Rocky, I saw so many Cardinals, Robins & Blue Jays. We walked by the lake & saw the geese and a goose egg!

I thought about the times you would see the baby goslings; still yellow & fuzzy waddling around the water or even crossing the street right behind their moms & dads & how you would make such a fuss over how cute they were.

I thought about how you would of made a fuss over Rocky too. About the picture on your phone I found, of the cute little blonde lab puppy. How you saved it to show me when we first agreed to getting a dog & you started looking right away. You said you wanted a puppy just like that. But unfortunately our house is too small & the backyard is not fenced. :(

The egg to the left

I think of you when I see flowers too.

I think of you because I miss you.

I think of you because I love you.

I think of you so I won't forget you....

Not that that could ever happen.

Ever.

But I will love you forever.

And ever,
Your mommy <3

 

 

My mouse,

I'm back to working a full week after being off for one week & I'm really tired. I just wanted to let you know I'll be back tomorrow or the next. There are so many things I want to share....

I love you. Goodnight <3

~

Tributes

My mouse,

The event I created in your honor- Hailey's Random Act of Kindness Day on your angelversary, was a big success. It made me really happy to see all the different types & acts of kindness people came up with- big & small; all in your honor.

It really made a difference on this hard day. When I started thinking of the dreaded day that was approaching, I knew I wanted to do something positive that would overshadow the sadness of this day. I searched some ideas online & in the grief books & they all suggested the same- to focus on the life your loved one lived, instead of focusing on their death. Life over death.

Not only were you a beautiful person inside & out, but you lived a beautiful life as well. It was the perfect way to remember you- your kindness & sweetness that touched so many.

I was going to copy & paste everyone's act of kindness, but they were so many I'm just going to include the link instead.

https://www.facebook.com/events/589329717891546/

.......

Some of the comments that were made really made me smile. I want to save them because on the days I am most sad, I want to be able to read them again, just like all the cards I've saved. Each describes some part of you...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are just some of the comments & posts, my mouse. Even more were the amazing acts of kindness. ...

  

When I think about faith & hope, this is what makes me believe baby girl. The goodness that does still exist- despite of all the evil & all the messed up things that happen around the world...

 

This is something we can always look back on as a reminder to have faith, hope & to choose love. In honor of you.

 

I read something similar recently:

 

We will not dwell in the darkness, because that is not where you exist. The light of your beautiful soul shines too bright & it is in the light where you remain.

 

And it is there, that we will follow...it is there that we will find you.

 

  

We love you so much Hailey.

 

Sweet dreams,

 

Forever,

 

Your mommy <3

Blessings

 

Sweet Hailey,

It's not only the dates that take me back to this time last year. These Spring days do too, like it was in Bolivia with its cool mornings & warm afternoons. The sun shining brightly but gently, with a cool breeze blowing reminding us all; that life goes on.

It still goes on, despite what else is happening. Despite causing any previous devastation...each day is a new day. And anything could happen.

How true

****

Today we all home again. Daddy, me & your sisters. I think yesterday took such a toll, we needed a day to just be; with only each other. To hopefully enjoy some peace & quiet. It's been just that. Like Daddy said- we are all cried out.

Even though it was nice having Grandma, Pop Pop & the Jersey Evans over for support. They are amazing as always. Driving down in major traffic, after work & school, just to be with us. Then waking up early with us, so we could all attend mass for you at 6:30 am. It had to be that early; but it was ok- because it was closer to the exact time that I last heard your heart beat on those damn hospital machines...

Oh baby girl.

I can't go back to that again. Not today. I'm sorry. I will try & just stick to the good things that happened.

*****

This is the first thing we saw yesterday morning after we were all ready to go:

<3



<3

 

 

                                   How sweet & thoughtful & what a nice surprise baby girl.

 

:)

 

The funny thing is Bella & I were out walking Rocky (our new puppy & another letter ;), and we saw a mini van with balloons inside but no people. It made me think for a minute but it was so early in the morning...it turned out to be Dominic & his mom. They were there at your mass too. :)

 

It was very touching to see them there. Carly & Ava were there too (we ran into Carly a few days earlier & I gave her my number.). They are such good friends & love you still. They told me how they, along with your other friends at Reagan like Isabelle (who sent me messages & comments on Instagram) wore purple, wrote letters, blew bubbles, drew butterflies & flowers with chalk, sang One Direction songs to you, talked about you all day & how great it was. It made me so happy to hear this & I know you loved it too. They also participated in your Random Act of Kindness Day by donating to the local food pantry in your honor. Like Anthony's mom said; they are a great group of kids & specially- your friends. 

 

With your bracelets & your name written on D's arm. <3

We will always remember this.

 



*****

Auntie Caroline, Uncle Chris & the boys went to mass. Papi, Ayde & the kids. Abuelita & Tio Bernardo & my friend Cecilia. We were missing Mikey, Zulen & Joshua but it's not their fault, I know they would have if they could. Alina came over the night before just to say hi & because she was thinking of us.

It was a hard day for all of us Hailey. We miss you so much. So many memories of that day, the devastation making it's way back...

We went to breakfast at IHOP & I had French toast, your favorite. Cecilia was nice enough to treat our entire family just because. It was really nice of her- but then again that is nothing new. She took the day off just to be with me. Good friends like that are once in a lifetime baby girl. I'm really blessed.

As a little extra act of kindness- we left the waitress an extra tip with an awareness postcard we made in your memory. I told her about you & she said she has a 13 year old daughter & she could only imagine... No, no she could not ever imagine.... :(

:(

*****


Bella had a field trip she didn't want to miss, so we dropped her off before we headed to the gardens to see you. We were all actually glad to hear she wanted to go. We told her that's what you would of wanted too (but later on she said she regretted it because it was boring & she would of rather spent more time with her cousins :).

It was a beautiful sunny day at the gardens. Cecilia said how pretty & peaceful it was there. I agreed...there's no other place around here I would of picked. It was her first time seeing your plaque & she said how beautiful it turned out.

We placed a beautiful bouquet of white roses with purple flowers in your vase, that we picked out & ordered online specially for you. We all signed your memory lantern, lit it up right there & watched it fly high & disappear into the sky...it was something that should be done at night, but they all had to leave that afternoon.

Cici brought you the penguin & Grandma the potted flowers.

I read Bella's letter out loud on her behalf, since she wasn't there & I barely got through it. But it was so beautiful when she read it last year during your service, I wanted to read it again as a reminder for all of us...

<3

*******

The tears continued throughout the day Hailey. They were both happy & sad. At the same time, we were having the Random Act of Kindness Day for you & there were people chiming in on your page sharing all the goodness & kindness they were spreading in your name, to honor the kindness you naturally had in you. It was so wonderful my mouse. My heart was elated. I can't wait to share that with you in full detail too. This alone was so special, it deserves it's own letter. :)

****

While everyone was downstairs making lunch before having to leave & drive back- I was upstairs playing the video that was made for your memorial service. I can only remember watching it a couple other times after that day...until yesterday.

https://youtu.be/VfxggW9gfrc

It's so beautiful but it caused me to break down so badly- to see you smiling & living in those pictures & to know that's all I have left of you....

I'm sorry but I  just couldn't help it my mouse. I was so overcome by grief, worse than I ever remember that the only thing I wanted at that moment was to call my mom, hear her voice & just cry & cry. And I did just that...

I cried so hard & for so long I couldn't even talk. Every time I tried, I cried harder.

She kept strong, was sweet trying to console me- telling me how much she loved me & how much God loves me (just like Nanny). When I finally could catch my breath, I told her sorry for calling her crying but I just needed to hear her voice. She said it was ok, because she's my mother. She said it was okay to cry.

It not only helped me feel better after talking to her, but believe it or not, it helped her feel better too. I talked to her again later, when she called back to check on me. I kept apologizing- afraid it would cause her to only worry & get depressed; blame herself & feel helpless being thousands of miles away...

But she said I actually lifted her up. That before I called, she was planning to stay home all day & not eat because she had no appetite. But after I called, she left the house, went to church & had lunch.

I think she actually felt good being needed by me, her daughter. Her oldest daughter that is notorious for being "strong" & not ever asking for help...

For once, since maybe when I was a child- I cried to my mom & she was there to console me. Even over the phone I could feel her hugging & caressing me, telling me everything's going to be alright.

I was able to come back downstairs & say goodbye to the family after that. We watched the video again later with just us; Sissy, Bella & Daddy. We cried & smiled remembering all the good times but more importantly, we promised to keep going on. To continue to support & love one another....

And then my mouse, out of the blue, Sissy announced she was going to your room. It was the first time since you passed. :(

Bella went in with her at first, but then left her alone to be with you. She said, "Mommy, Sissy's talking to Hailey. She wants to be alone with her."

When she finally came out, a long while later....she came to hug me & we both cried again- new fresh tears of hurt. But I was also glad & proud of her for being so brave. I know it was hard. While the rest of us have been in your room, she hasn't. We never pressured her...I knew she would in her own time or if she never did that would be ok too.

But in a way it was a big step towards healing my mouse. I know that whatever conversation she had with you, it helped her immensely. I know it helps me when I'm missing you badly...like the night before when I slept on your bed. Remembering your last night at the hotel sleeping with me & Daddy- I longed for you- any part of you to have you close to me again. Being on your bed, with your scent on your covers & blankets....

I know it may sound crazy, but only a bereaved parent could understand. Or a bereaved sibling too. We all miss you like that sometimes. :(

****

Our sweet girl- I thank God for all the blessings of the day. I thank you, our angel. I thank our family & friends....

Everyone who's been there for us, in the beginning, in between & now...

We will try & start again this year as we did the last: One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

We promise to try & look to our blessings & not our downfalls.

To wear our pain as armor, not use it as a handicap.

To continue to choose love.

To try & keep our hearts & minds open so that they could continue to heal....

To remember we don't have to look far to find you, because you are always in our hearts.

To miss you each & everyday, until we see you again, our sweet angel.

We love you always.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

One year

My dear beautiful Hailey,


It's been 1 year, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes....

I don't have much energy left to write to you tonight.

It's been a day of sad & happy tears. Just when we think there's none left...

I know you heard us in our prayers, I know you saw our actions, I know you felt our love...

There was more good than bad, baby girl & I can't wait to share it all with you.

Goodnight my sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

My little girl,

I was going to write about the details of the last 2 days we spent with you on this Earth...

And I just can't do it. It's too painful.

The memories have been running through my head all day, torturing me...even though I try to keep busy, I can't stop them from taking over.

The only thing I will say is that you spent the last night at the hotel sleeping on our bed, right between Daddy & me. And we won't ever forget it. We always say....at least we got that one last night with you.

I love you Hailey. With my all my heart.

Your mommy.

The way we will always remember you

Our beautiful girl
With magnificent chocolate eyes
Twinkling like the brightest of stars

Our sweet girl
Smiling as radiant as the sun
As sweet & tender as a blooming flower

Our princess mermaid girl
With soft waves of flowing brown hair
Crowned with princess braids

Our girly girl
In your fashionable dresses & fancy shoes

Our funny girl
Bursting out into random fits of giggles & laughter

Our sassy girl

Our happy girl

Our smart girl

Just hearing your voice
Brightened up our dreariest of days

You filled our lives with tremendous love
A bond that can never be broken

We will always be yours,
And you will always be ours.

My sweet smiling girl, this is the way we will always remember you...

This is how we will always love you.

A year ago...