Last night, I asked you to visit me in my dreams and you did. I don't remember much except that we were outdoors with a lot of people (with my friend Jennie & her family, oddly enough), either at a concert or a show...
You & Bella were running around & found us at our seats. You were smiling, wearing light colored shorts with a light top. Your bangs were cut short & they were extra curly (which you never liked), with the rest of your hair half up & half down. My sweet girl.
I held you at some point I think, while you were sitting on my lap. I woke up this morning trying to remember more but it was your image & the feel of your thin frame I remembered the most. Again, looking a couple years younger. And that smile...
I miss you baby girl.
Even in between the waves of grief, I find myself doing my best to just float evenly in this sea of sadness, from one day to the next. Looking into the horizon, waiting & dreading for the next big wave to hit.
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Mother's day was nice. Your sisters & Daddy got up early to make breakfast. Bella brought me coffee & strawberries in bed (she finally got to use her tray). Kayla made butterfly biscuits & Daddy made his famous grits. They made pancakes, eggs & turkey bacon too. A nice little buffet. :)
It was really good too. I was glad to stay in & finish reading the book that Sissy recommended (I'll tell you about that later).
Then sissy & I went to get pedi's while Bella played with Daniella & Natalia. We splurged & got the "Lavender spa" kind with the exfoliating foot scrubs & lotion foot & calf massages. As we were walking out, we saw a Haileyfly flying around & landed right bed of purple flowers in front of the salon. :)
P.S. I got my toenails painted purple.
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| Mother & daughter Pedi's :) |
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| Haileyfly <3 |
It made my day to see it. :)
Then Sissy & I went for smoothies & did a little shopping. Later we all went to Papi's to celebrate with the fam. Him & Tio B made yummy food for all the moms. After dinner Alina & Mike made their announcement that they're pregnant! We couldn't believe it, it was a really nice surprise. Sissy said she immediately thought about you- about how happy you'd be to have another baby in the family.
Thinking of it later, I realized this would be the first member of the family you would never meet or ever know....
I had to force myself to quickly zap those thoughts out of head baby girl. It allows the ache in my heart to grow & leaves a lump in my throat so big, I can't talk or breathe....
For all we know, God willed it this way & got the approval from all his angel advisors- including you. I know this shouldn't be a sad thing. I know there will be bigger events in the future that will be more devastating like graduations & weddings; that will forever remind us that you have passed on. Why think of those now either, my angel.
It would be like sitting there floating peacefully- then suddenly standing, arms flailing, purposely splashing, first waking the ocean then frantically calling for the wave to come...
It's not worth it, because I've learned all to well....the wave will come without calling. Whether we will it, whether we're ready...or not.
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I had to see you at the gardens for Mother's Day too. I wanted to leave the flowers that the family brought you for your birthday (pink & purple tulips). It was busy there because of Mother's Day. It hadn't occurred to me before we went. There were many people there sitting & visiting next to the graves of their mothers or grandmothers. Other graves decorated with Mother's Day balloons, plants & flowers, left from their loved ones before. It was sad to realize exactly how many were spending this day without their mom or grandma.
And then there was us, the bereaved moms who were spending it without one of their babies, wishing for one more day, one more hug, one more chance to say, "I love you."
Looking for signs that they were there in spirit. Looking for butterflies or shapes of angels in the skies, like this one:
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| While we were walking Rocky at the end of the day. I looked up to see these clouds in shape of angel wings...at least to me. And I knew you there looking down at us saying "Hi Mom, don't worry about me. I'm flying high! I love you- Happy Mother's Day." |
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Today, I'm floating.
Tomorrow maybe I'll swim.
But I promise you my angel & my other two girls-
I will never sink.
I love you all.
Today & forever,
Your Mommy
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