Higher Power

Dear baby girl,

The other day when I was in your room crying & missing you- the same day later at work, I got a text from Debbie saying a blogger for Huffington Post wanted to talk to me about an article she's working on; undiagnosed & misdiagnosed cases of Type One Diabetes.

I follow this lady on Twitter. She has Type 1 herself & last week she tweeted something about "How could there still be children & adults dying with all we know about T1D?"

I replied to her tweet (still pretty new to Twitter, not sure if I was doing it right) saying that there are still many that do not know about T1D, that we were one of them. And because we didn't know we lost you to this disease.

https://twitter.com/DiabetesMedia/status/739486125299929088

I just spoke to her over the phone my mouse. She's in California. She called to tell me about the article & the message she's trying to create. She said that even though she knows there are many kids that passed due to Type One, she only wants to include 2 or 3 stories so that people don't get too overwhelmed & skip reading it altogether. She said that's been her experience in the past. But she read our story & thinks its compelling & wants to include a link in her article.

She's supposed to email me the draft this weekend so I can let her know if we want to be included or not....

.........

It seems that whenever I have a big setback something happens, my mouse....whether its a Haileyfly or a rainbow, or an angel in the clouds, or a dream about you, coins on the ground, or a purple glittery butterfly with a purple heart in the middle, glued to a purple popsicle stick I find the floor.....

Or someone wanting to write an article. This would be the 4th one.

What I think is, is that there must be a higher power involved in all this. There has to be my angel. Maybe its you. Maybe its God. Maybe its both. I am convinced of this not only because of all the signs, but because looking back on this journey so far, I feel I have been guided by something greater.

It has taken so much to trust in this & accept it. To expose my wounded heart, still healing & make it vulnerable yet again for more pain, my girl. Because every time I tell our story, I relive it as it just happened.
.......

My first instinct would be to run or hide. To sit in silence & let the pain take over. And I have done that. There's definitely been those kind of days. Not only is it part of grieving, but it's also necessary. This is what I've learned.

But this higher power has sent angels to pull me out of the darkness, before I get too lost. My family, my friends, & others in the DOC (diabetic online community). Not only to save me, but to guide me. I feel that there has to be a reason for this. The reason has to be with becoming a voice for this cause. Not only to honor you, my beautiful girl, but to save other lives.

I have to trust that this is one of the reasons. I want to believe that you are part of this higher power too, constantly reminding me & giving me strength. Because I wouldn't be able to go through with this or anything else..if I didn't have your approval.

I couldn't even live this life, without honestly believing that you are not only ok with it, but that you are still a part of us, still around us somehow, in some kind of way. My beautiful girl....

I just wouldn't be able to continue if I thought otherwise.

Everyday I wake up, I have to remind myself of this. That you are by my side. That God is watching & giving us strength to go on, and that's its ok to do so. That we will be guided to do what is right & if there's something bigger planned for us for the time we have left on this Earth, until we see you again....

It will happen, because God wills it to.

That is all we can do at this point, when we feel so vulnerable & weak. Is to trust in God- to trust in this higher power & let it be our guiding light.

In the meantime, along the way...

We will cry. We will rejoice. We will go on.

Missing you. Loving you.

Every step of the way.

Until we see you again.

Love you baby girl.

Today & forever,
Your mommy <3