Bake sale

My beautiful girl,

May is right around the corner & I was thinking about your birthday. What you would have me planning right about now. How excited you would be- to be turning 13.

Today I was calling your sisters to walk Rocky. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, calling out, "Bella! Hailey!...." then I stopped myself. It's the first time I've done that. Not on purpose of course- out of habit. But one I haven't done in two years...

I sat there in silence for a few minutes as my heart reminded my mind that I wouldn't be hearing an answer.
...

Then today, as I was cleaning out the garage for the bake & yard sale...I found a few things of yours. Your princess castle I bought you for Christmas. Your old red water bottle. Your Lego's. A fortune teller, that you used to make out of paper all the time...

Bella found a purple & black panda bear you made out of rainbow looms.

I couldn't give or throw any of it away. I stored them in a box, except for the fortune teller & panda. They're in my purse, so I can have something of yours always close.
...

The same thing when I was cleaning & re-arranging my room to make space for my little office area...I came across several things of yours that I haven't had the heart to pack away or get rid of.

Your black suede boots are still in my closet. The loner socks that were in the laundry basket for months, which I knew belonged to you...I put in my sock drawer. Your notebook, markers & pencils that were on my nightstand, the two big bags of notebooks & things from school, from your desk, that were given to me by Mrs. S those last days of school...

It breaks my heart again & again. A reminder that you're never coming back home again. It makes me so sad my little girl.
...

Finding these things & going through them- deciding what to do with them is excruciating.

I can't imagine what it would be like if or when we have to ever move- I don't want to. I wish we didn't have to.

That's the decision we made (Daddy & I) when this whole work from home thing came up- as I talked to him about where I would put my "office". The idea passed of Bella moving to your room & me having my office there. But the idea passed quickly my mouse, because we are just not ready for that.

It would be too painful. I feel too disrespectful. It just wouldn't feel right.
...

I still go to your room when I want to feel you close. To smell your purple North face jacket. I was sitting on your bed when I spoke to the medium over the phone. I felt like I would feel the truth sitting there...

This is what I hate most.

It's not only the missing you, which we do every second of the day. It's the reminder that you are not coming back.

You see in some instances, during those happier moments- like us watching Bella sell her cookies & pink lemonade this morning...we are smiling, we are happy & proud. We almost forget.

Then something happens to bring us back to our reality- like finding the toys or remembering the lemonade stand you girls had years ago....to know we can never go back to that day, to those happier times where things felt more...complete.
...

Then we get stuck there sometimes; in that unhappy, dark place where grief sends us too each time. It's work to get out baby girl. But we do try.

Bella made over $20 by herself. Sissy had to work & made her own too. <3

If I remember you girls made more than our yard sale too that day. <3

We love & miss you every single day.

We keep you close in every way you can imagine & I know you can see.

Good night my sweet girl.

I love you to the moon & around the universe.

Forever,
Your mommy

~

 

Just something I found & want to
remember. <3

Work

Dear Hailey,

I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to write these last few days. I've been busy trying to set up my new little office area. As of next week, I'll start working from home.

I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm going to try it out. I was apprehensive when they started to offer the work-from-home positions, sometime last year. I knew that work was keeping me busy in a good way. The routine of having another reason to get up in the morning, of showering, of getting ready to go out & face the world...

I can't complain of the way I was treated. In the beginning, I was given leave for almost a month & a half (more if I would of requested it); which I've learned is not a given at all work places. They were helpful in letting me ease back into my work routine; accommodating me in the littlest things (like putting me in training mode for the first week then letting me sit next to Cecilia for the first few months). I was even able to apply for FMLA (family medical leave act) for the first year...due to my grief, depression & anxiety attacks. :(

I remember the doctor saying, "There will be days when grief will hit so hard, you won't be able to get out of bed." She was right.

Those are the days in which I wrote to you the most.
...

I've been lucky in so many ways, my angel. I know many bereaved parents that didn't have those options. Many lost their jobs & more...

But as usual, nothing lasts forever. I don't have FMLA anymore. I'm not offered time off to grieve any longer (last year on the first anniversary, I was offered the entire week off). I have to now ask for days off using personal or vacation time.

But maybe the worst of it- is that I feel like a ghost there sometimes. Like I've lost my identity.

Partly, it's my fault.

I read an article today that somewhat explains it:

'Just Show Up': Sheryl Sandberg On How To Help Someone Who's Grieving https://n.pr/2peFboT
...

Sadly, I can relate to the a lot of it baby girl. The feeling like a ghost, "the elephant in the room"...

I say it's partly my fault because I was very quiet at first, kept mostly to myself. Only spoke to a select few. I just couldn't handle talking about it at work, because I was so afraid of having a breakdown.

One of the keys to my survival- was being able to compartmentalize my life. I had to keep work & home separate. I wouldn't be able to handle it any other way...

So unintentionally I unfriended myself from many co-workers, by ignoring them. Specially the ones who would approach me & try & ask me questions in the beginning. I didn't speak, I didn't smile, I didn't do much except do my job & leave.

Not much has changed since then my mouse. 

Not only am I not the person I used to be; I'm the exact opposite. I'm now the "Mom who lost a child."

Forever changed; forever broken. :(
...

There are a few who follow me on Facebook that know me a little better; that I let into my personal life...

But for the most part, I'm the ghost who quietly comes in & works part-time, clocks in, does my job & leaves. In between I get the polite smiles, the "I feel so sorry for you" looks, the judgmental nods, from the long-timers & the wondering stares from the newbies...

It's become a very robotic way of life baby girl. :(

I sometimes wish I could quit & start fresh somewhere new. Somewhere where I don't have to be the one everyone feels sorry for; the bereaved mother.

But I am & always will be. No matter where I go.
...

So I'm going to try this working from home thing. Hoping it doesn't drive me crazier. ;)

At least I don't have to worry if my face shows I've had a long night, or cried on my way to work because of grief. I don't have to wear my "pretend mask" on the outside as often, which can get so exhausting.

At least, I can look from my work desk- outside my bedroom window above the deck; to the backyard where I've seen many sunrises, sunsets & rainbows...& know that you are somewhere out there looking after us. If not right by my side, where you would always be.

My ray of sunshine. My sweet angel.

As each day passes, I know I'm one day closer to seeing you again.

Until then, I send you millions of hugs & kisses.

Until, it's for all eternity.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

Two Years

My Dear Hailey,

Yesterday I woke up drowning in an ocean of unbearable pain with memories of that fateful morning where the universe took you away from me.

This morning I awoke with love overflowing from every seam of my soul.

I rather write about love, my angel.

The love that we felt yesterday from our family, friends & some complete strangers...letting us know you aren't forgotten. That we are not alone.

A love that revived our spirits little by little throughout the day; having the family by our side, receiving texts, calls, messages, hugs & kisses...then some more hugs & kisses.

Then there was our Haileyfly at the gardens, right after we released balloons (which the medium said you could see, as well as the lanterns) & then our rainbow at the end of the day.

It was actually a double rainbow, but it was covered by clouds. The
bracelets were gifts from Mrs. Taylor. <3

...

Then there was the Random Act of Kindness Day in your honor. <3

 

                                                                                                      
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There were more my angel.

 

Today I had lunch with Bella at school & the front office lady let me know that they received gift certificates for manicures from Anthony's mom, which inspired her to pay forward & buy lunch for the girls in the office.

 

It made my heart so happy. I got goose bumps as she was telling me.

 

...

 

I have to stop here because I have to go pick Bella up from Papi's.

 

I just want to tell you how much love you inspired, not only during your lifetime, but even now; two years later.

 

We miss & love you more than ever, my sweet angel.

 

For all eternity.

Your mommy <3

 

 

My heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My little girl,

Bella just walked in & asked if I'm ok. I couldn't help but start crying as soon as she asked. She wiped my tears & said, "It's ok mommy, let it out. Mouse wouldn't of wanted any other mom but you. You are the best mom. Tomorrow is going to be hard, but we'll get through it together."

How did I get so lucky?

I love you all so much.

It is hard baby girl. Harder than I could describe into words. But I know Bella is right, we'll get through it together.

I love you & miss you with all my heart and soul. You will always be a part of me, no matter what & I know one day we'll see each other again & that will be the best day ever.

I was there when you came into this world & there when you left...& I will be there again after.

Goodnight my sweet angel.

Please come visit me in my dreams.

Love,
Mommy

Happy Easter

My beautiful girl,

I would say Happy Easter in heaven but I felt you all around us today.

Maybe you were busy but sent down signs because you knew how hard today would be...

I don't know.

All I do know is we couldn't be home today & we weren't. We had to escape to recoup, to getaway, to feel closer to you & Him, by being in nature.

I think it worked.

I love you so much.

I'm tired but I will write more tomorrow.

Love you so much,
Mommy

No choice

Mouse,

This was exactly one week before our lives changed forever.

I've agonized so much these past two years about how busy I was the weeks before our trip; enough not to notice you were sick. :(

I know...I know...my mouse. I know I shouldn't.

I've tried to stay away from FB memories these past few weeks because of this. I knew the memories would cause me pain.

But because it came up today- and because it was brought up by the medium the other day; I will write about it.
...

In the beginning of our session, as she was "connecting" with you, she said she started to feel a strange sensation on the left side of her body. That she was suddenly having difficulty catching her breath...

She asked if you passed away from a flu-like illness, possibly pneumonia, or even heart related (because of her difficulty breathing & the left side sensation). (You were having trouble breathing that morning we took you to the hospital & you were very weak).... ;( 

She said she felt that the onset of the symptoms came quickly. That it all happened very quickly...but "it looked worse than it felt". "That you didn't suffer." She reiterated again- "that it looked worse than it really was."

Hearing her words immediately impacted me baby girl. I was startled & struck. I started to cry right away.

How would she know everything happened quickly?

After I confirmed to her that you passed away within a day of being really sick...

She proceeded to tell me:

"She wants you to know that it wouldn't of mattered if you took her sooner. Days or even weeks sooner. There would of been some kind of delay anyway & it wouldn't of changed the outcome."

My heart sunk down even further. I cried even harder. My insides twisting & turning... :(

It was so much to take in baby girl. I didn't know what to think. Even hearing all this I wasn't yet convinced.
...

Then she asked as if she already knew the answer:

If I was there, when your "soul transitioned"...

I told her I yes. I was there.

She said she guessed; because she felt that I had actually witnessed it.

...

I was there baby girl. I didn't leave your side. Barely holding my head up, nodding on & off, trying to stay awake in case "something happened"- that I didn't want to miss. I stayed away almost 24 hours because I could not leave you.

I was there until your last breath.

My sweet girl.

She told me you said:

"I didn't want to go but I had no choice." :( :( :(

That just about broke me again in two.

I've been hearing those words in my head ever since.

It wasn't how it all ended baby girl. It wasn't a negative session- there was more. So much more that gave me hope.

But to hear those words...

Beyond everything else she said up to that point- those words I believed came from you. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart- because I know you.

I'm your mother & I know you- & I know you wouldn't of wanted to leave us if you had a choice. But you didn't & we didn't either. :(
...

That is what I got from the first part of our session.

That it wouldn't of changed anything if we had taken you sooner. That none of us had a choice. ;(

While it maybe should make us feel better to have this answer- it doesn't. Because the end is the same.

But you are not lost. This much she let me know, through you.

So does this answer the age old question my angel- "do things happen for a reason?"

Not exactly. It just tells us that it happened, without any of us having a choice in the matter.

Is that the same thing?

Not exactly.
...

I will stop here my angel.

I can call you that because she said she saw you in a white dress all the way down past your ankles. That you looked "angelic".

That at first she saw dresses, many dresses in all colors & patterns. Then she referenced a "princess", asking if we often called you one, or if you would often dress up as one...

Yes & yes...

My princess. My girly girl. My angel.

We love & miss you.

For all eternity.

Mommy

Infinity tattoo

My mouse,

One of the things the medium knew about was the tattoo I've been contemplating for some time now. She said that the number "8" appeared before her, then it turned over laying on its side- like the infinity signal. That is the exact design I had been thinking about.

Then she continued..."but this is not the usual infinity sign. There's something added, some letter or art perhaps that makes it different." I thought about adding your names (all 3 girls) interweaved individually connecting the symbol...with a butterfly on top.

She said, "She loves the idea. She wants to let you know she loves it." "I also see all three of you, you & your girls all having some form of ink or art on your bodies representing Hailey in the future."

I had saved these ideas on my phone from the internet maybe about 5 months ago while searching for ideas. Daddy & the girls are really the only ones that I told. 

I was going to do it for my 40th birthday.

I went to a tattoo place with Daddy around that time to ask about it. The guy said it would be have to a "pretty big piece" to have it fit all your names (because they're long names)- bigger than my wrist, which is where I originally wanted it.

I told him I'd think about it because I really don't want a big one...

Then the idea came back up for your angelversary. Then to hear it brought up by the medium. By a lady named Melanie whom I've never spoken to; whom I never met; who knew nothing of me prior to our phone call...

This is one of the many things that were brought up baby girl.

As I said before- I'm still processing it all. I will bring each thing up as I think about it & am able to write about it.

I still don't know what to think about it, maybe is the bigger truth.
...

What I do know, that I've known with all my heart since the day you left- is that I will see you again in some shape or form. She did make sure to tell me that. That you also said not to worry, because we'd see each other again.

In the end, that is all that I want.

My sweet Haileymouse. My dear baby girl.

"The infinity symbol is a never ending loop. So it means forever or always or limitless, never ending possibilities. It is one of the most positive tattoos there is."

My love for you- all of you...is just like that.

"Forever. Limitless, with never ending possibilities."

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

Just another day

My angel,

The days keep moving along & Spring is in full force now. Yesterday as Daddy & I cleaned the backyard that was full of weeds & dead leaves- we saw two things.

First this mama bird on its nest underneath the deck:

My first instinct was to call the girls down to show them...including you.

I knew how much you'd love to see it, so I took a picture. I still want to show you things & tell you about them. I still have the urge to share our lives with you so much my angel...
...

The other thing I noticed while we were back there cleaning was the group of boys playing basketball in the backyard. Most of them were in your grade, I recognized almost all of them. I rather not say their names mouse, but if you were watching them you know too.

I can't describe what it feels like to see them; growing up; playing; being alive & enjoying their youth...thinking you should too.

Then ignoring them, or them ignoring us....knowing that if you were here, you'd be your typical sassy self to them by either laughing or teasing them & they back at you.

I saw the little boy who would ride the bus with you & always wave at me "Hi Hailey's mom!" and I'd wave back. One day you yelled at him, "It's not Hailey's mom to YOU. It's MRS. E" laughing at him & sure enough, he called me Mrs. E ever since...The same boy who had a big crush on you.

I wanted so much to go over there & remind him of it & see if he remembers...& share a moment of recollection. To share a moment of you with someone who knew you, remembered you & cared for you.

But instead we kept to our business.

Just another day.

Maybe one day...

I know this will never be easy. I just wish it didn't still hurt so much baby girl.
...

Your cousins will be here tomorrow & leaving at the end of the week. Easter won't be the same this year without them. But we have something nice planned anyway. Still needed to do something & get away baby girl. Just us- the family.

We really need it.
...

I saw another butterfly yesterday when I took Bella, Natalia, Daniella & Rocky to the park. A big black & blue one, then two little yellow ones.

I still find you in everything beautiful.

In the flowers that bloom in the spring. In the butterflies fluttering freely in the blue skies. In the mama bird incubating her baby egg...

 

You are & forever will be,

In our hearts. <3

Love,
Mommy