13th birthday

My beautiful girl,

The rain has started & is supposed to get heavier & continue through Saturday, so we went today to place some balloons at the gardens. Just Bella & I. Daddy & Sissy were at work.

I wanted to make sure you at least had some balloons for your birthday. <3

For your 13th birthday in Heaven.

Bella & I wished you a happy birthday from all of us. We smiled thinking of what a big bash you're probably going to have with all your angel friends. Now that you will officially be a teenager.

Hoping that you will be here with us too, because we will be celebrating you all weekend. Just like we would of been...

I'm going to make your favorite French toast tomorrow morning & have kabobs for dinner- from your favorite place in the mall. Who knows if you would of moved on to other things by now- other "favorites", but it's what we know you used to love. So we will make it a tradition to eat & do your favorite things...to just remember you.

Not that we could ever forget.
...

You are always with us baby girl.

Even during the busiest of times- you are always on our minds. This past week has been especially busy, with me setting up to work from home, Bella & her SOL's (we've been helping her study every night), Sissy working extra days & hours at work (I told her she can't work more than 4 nights a week & no more than 25 hours so they're supposed to ease up on her schedule until summer) & Daddy too- finally getting busier at work which means longer days...

Today was my first full day working here & everything went smoothly. Bella has her hardest SOL (science) tomorrow & Sissy is off Saturday. So I'm hoping that if we get through tomorrow- we can have the family over on the weekend for some cake & food to celebrate your beautiful life, our beautiful mouse & wish you a happy birthday.

Hopefully, things will continue to get less stressful from here. More smoothly. Less painful.
...

Please if you can, my mouse, be close to your sister tomorrow during her test. She's been nervous about it as it is & upset that it fell on your birthday.

I tell your sisters all the time of how proud I am of them & that how a silly test won't determine how truly smart they are. But I'm proud of her either way for being brave & going in on such a meaningful day. I told her if she can make it through the test, I'd pick her up from school right after.

I know she will need your angel power, to give her strength to get through it without any added anxiety...

I love you baby girl.
...

As for me- I will try & remind myself of all the signs & messages you've left me to let me know you are more than ok. That you are always close.

Like the flashback I just had when I mentioned the kabob place- when we went to eat there for the first time after you passed. I felt such grief & anxiety going there & I was trying to hide it from your sisters to not upset them....

Then right there at the entrance of the food court I looked down & there was a purple butterfly on a purple popsicle stick. A craft someone made- the butterfly cut out from a purple, soft felt-like material with a purple heart glued in the center, sprinkled with purple sparkles, glued to popsicle stick someone colored with a purple marker...

I thought, no no this can't be a coincidence. What are the chances?

I wanted to cry with joy & with anguish all at the same time.

Maybe I will tomorrow too.
...

I cannot promise anything my beautiful girl, except to love you forever.

<3

Goodnight Hailey.

Have a great birthday ok?

Visit if you can.

Love,
Mommy <3