Today we celebrated your birthday with the family. I have to admit it wasn't easy to do after this past week- after spending days crying, saddened & missing you.
I almost couldn't do it. But I thought about spending another day sitting here in the quiet & in the dark...in the silence of my thoughts or spending a day with the family talking, laughing, eating, blowing out some candles in your memory & keeping your memory alive...
I needed to find a way to break free from these grips of grief. So I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other.
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It was nice my mouse. Your sisters made both a chocolate & vanilla cake for you (from scratch). We grilled some burgers & hotdogs. I made a yummy quinoa salad & other sides. While I was cutting up the cucumbers I remembered how they were your favorite veggie. How you would eat them like a snack, sometimes with ranch or hummus. How you would pack them for school...I don't forget any of those things.
Auntie made some yummy pasteles. She left the boys at home to get a little break...
I was telling her how I did that a few times, when I felt myself on a brink. Sometimes I'd go to the movies or shopping by myself. Once I went to Kohl's & I was taking my time- you called & left a message saying you were worried & scared because I was taking so long. That you love me & you miss me.
I still have that message baby girl. I have it saved on my phone.
I've played it many times. It makes me sad because of the words...I imagine you saying them to me from where you are now. This is where my mind always goes.
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I know it makes Papi & Tio uncomfortable- to celebrate your birthday without you being here. Only because it hurts them, because it's a painful reminder. Men grieve differently. They don't like to talk about it.
It is for all of us too. But it means so much that they still came, that all the of the people I care about are there for us when we need them. Even if it's uncomfortable or painful- which I hope it wasn't too much.
What I hope you saw was your family who loves you very much, getting together to remember you & know you are always in our heart.
We love you always my beautiful girl. I can tell the kids enjoy it & look forward to it. They get excited when it's time to blow out your candles. It makes me smile that they still remember & talk about you. <3
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Having them here helped me break free from the clasps. I have to remind myself not to isolate myself so much the next time...that we are not alone. That we have too many that care.
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| Some things never change. <3 |
I hope today made you smile.
I miss you.
Goodnight my angel.
Love always,
Mommy
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