After the storm

My sweet girl,

A horrible tragedy happened at an Ariana Grande concert the other night, in England. After the show ended, a suicide bomber killed 22 (so far) & more than 100 others. Many of them were kids. :(

Like many, I was so shocked when I heard the news. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Immediately I thought about dropping Sissy off at a concert just a week before, when she went to see The Weekend with Arian...

We dropped her off in DC- at a big venue in the middle of the city where this could of easily happened. When I started to really think about it & even imagine it I felt a panic attack coming on so I had to stop myself.

I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Mentally disturbed or not- it's just not right.

My heart & mind went to all those parents that will be embarking on this horrible journey; of being a bereaved parent. In such a horrific way- their babies lives were taken & they will have to live with this devastating pain for the rest of their lives.

There is nothing worse.

I don't know what the solution is. Where this world is headed. But it makes me sad & scared for your sisters. Of what kind of future is in store for them.
...

Sissy & I have been to see many shows these past couple years- so this came especially close to home. We've been to see One Direction, Selena Gomez, The Foo fighters, The Heart & Joan Jett show, Green Day, Metallica a few weeks ago, then just recently the one she went to see with Arian- "Able"- or The Weekend. She's been to a couple with her friends on her own too...

She has told me more than once how music has helps her deal, how she relates to it & going to concerts is a way for her to not only have fun but also release some of that negative stuff that builds up inside. I can relate to that. With my love of music & concerts, maybe I even taught her that.

Sissy has never wanted therapy, or to join any bereavement or church groups. She doesn't like to talk much about things- at least to me. I know she talks to Bella.

When I talked to the medium last month- she told me not to worry. She knew how Sissy & Bella deal with grief in different ways- how Sissy doesn't talk much about it. But she said (through you) that it's only because she doesn't want to upset me, to add to my grief. That in fact, she "is my biggest protector."

This touched me in so many ways my mouse. It made me cry. It shocked me too- how she knew such specific details & used those exact words- "In fact, she's your biggest protector." The reality is I knew it all along- I've known it forever. Sissy's the oldest. It was her & I from the beginning & I've always leaned on her as much as she leaned on me. She has seen & experienced so much & has seen me go through so much as well.
...

Sissy could very easily be that teenager that skips school, sneaks out, drinks or does drugs or fails her classes...

Like me when I was her age; an angry, hurt, confused teenager.

I listened to bands like Metallica because they were angry too & I could relate to them. I too questioned the world & I spoke out loud about the things I didn't like or agree with. I too shouted out in frustration- not in real life, but through music...

Sissy is not that type of teenager. Yes, she can be rebellious or angry or sad, of course. She may also like Metallica for that reason too. But mostly, we appreciate them as musicians, artists & performers. Where we go to shout or dance off our frustrations- is at the concerts.

I know it could be a lot worse. So I don't want to lose that. I don't want to take that away from her. I've given in to her wants of going to see different artists & shows, even though it's not cheap- because it's been Sissy's "therapy". If I can take off & take the time to drive Bella all the way out to see her therapist every month, this is the least I can do for Sissy & I get to have fun too.
...

Oh my mouse. I don't know anymore. It would be sad to have to live in a bubble because of fear. If I started to worry about one thing, what's to stop me from worrying about everything? We wouldn't go to concerts in fear of attacks, or sports arenas...or malls, schools, grocery stores...

It would never end because fear can be paralyzing.
...

I pray for those parents. I hope they can heal in some way. I know God has no control over what happened, but I wish he did. I wish someone did. Even so, I will pray.

This was our fun time at Metallica. Our special day- a great memory.

Why did we get ours & they didn't? :(

At Metallica.

I love you my mouse.

As I was writing a storm came through then suddenly I saw a bright light through the blinds & I knew.

I knew & I was waiting for it....

After the storm.

They say after every storm there is a rainbow, but that is not true. Only sometimes.

I wish nothing more for other families & friends to find their rainbows too.

...

One day I will be behind that rainbow too, with you.

I love you forever,
Your mommy