8th grade

Baby girl,

Today was a tough day. I spent a lot of time talking to you & about you here, at the gardens, in my car & at the Dr's office...

If you were watching & listening, you know that I forced myself to go finally talk to someone about everything...& when I say everything, I mean everything.

Not only about you my precious girl, but about my mom, daddy & even my older half brother...

Things that happened in my past that were never resolved & still continue to haunt me today.

She was definitely surprised, shocked even when I told her our story. :(

Definitely too much to cover in an hour's time, so she wants to see me next week.
...

We'll see how it goes baby girl. Your mom is used to keeping everything bottled up (except for here, in these letters) & letting it build up, sitting heavy on my shoulders until I can't bear the weight no more...the end result is never good.

I have to learn how to reach out, ask for & accept help, find better ways to cope & manage all this...

With my mom's condition heavy on my mind lately & then today being back-to-school for your sisters, I had to lower these walls at least temporarily to let someone else in.

I don't know if I feel better for it yet...too soon to tell. But hopefully will in the long run.
...

With all this, there has been major flooding in Texas due to hurricane Harvey. Pop Pop's family is hanging in there but they are calling for more rain in the next two days. Please put a word in for them ok?

Also, Grandmom's good friend Mrs.W is battling cancer & a recent bout of pneumonia on top of it. I know she's read this blog & has been sweet to send me messages with well wishes & advice in the past because she lost her son too. :( 

We belong to this club that no one wants to belong to, so I feel a connection to her. Please put in a word for her too if you can, ok my angel?
...

I love & miss you my little girl.

Today you would of started 8th grade & rode the bus with Bella. You would be been her mentor, her guide, her cool, sweet, popular older sister.

Sissy did a great job doing just that though & I assured her repeatedly that you were, in fact going to be there with her.

I know you were too, because she said she had a great first day. :)
...

Yesterday we dropped off beautiful fresh flowers to wish you a great first day in 8th grade in heaven. I went today to sit & visit & they were still there, undisturbed.

I hope you heard me talk to you because I meant every word.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

I was in Sissy's room with my head buried in
a pillow crying after dropping Bella off
at her bus stop when I looked up & saw it.

A butterfly in the pattern of her curtain. I never noticed it
before & there it was suddenly standing out right in front
of me...giving me courage to get up & go & not to miss
the appointment. <3



 

First day of 11th grade. <3

First day of 6th grade. <3