We're not ending this month on the best note; going to bed without talking to your sisters, without saying goodnight...
I'm so tired.
Sometimes it seems no matter what I do, how hard I try, it's just not good enough. I know I'm not the perfect mother, I know I have my moments. Specially now. But I try to redeem myself...I try. Lately, it seems like I'm trying all the time. I'm beginning to think maybe I'm trying too hard. Since it seems to be backfiring, maybe I should stop.
It's been really tough my mouse. I haven't said anything because I try to stay focused on the positive, but sometimes I just need to vent. Like usual, Daddy is at work. He of course doesn't get to deal with this stuff, because he works so much...
So it's just me & my letters to you.
...
It's been especially tough with Sissy this summer, but now it seems like it's rubbing off on Bella too (& she's not even a teenager yet).
I could go on about all the things that bother me, that we argue or clash about...but that wouldn't do any good. I would rather come up with a solution, but I haven't been able to think of any without resorting to do things I don't want to do.
I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to be in this constant state of stress. Yet, it seems that no matter how patient I try to be, how understanding, it always comes back to this.
It's not all the time, my mouse. But it's enough times.
...
I feel like I've always tried to give you girls everything I never had- not only the material things, but more importantly love & affection too; protection, opportunity...the list goes on. Sometimes I thought I gave too much, tried too hard. I saw how at times it would backfire.
But that is what parents are supposed to do after all, right? Sacrifice & provide? I thought I was doing a good job at it, up until I lost you...
I tried to do an even better job after that, because your sisters are the reason I get up after all. I felt their loss, their pain, mixed in with mine. I've tried to show them the way...to keep going, to move forward. To be the one they turn to. They depend on me; on us...after all.
But again I see & feel it backfiring baby girl.
...
It was different when you were all little. When I noticed you were getting too spoiled, too demanding, I would pull back some & it wouldn't be that big of a deal. The rewards were small but great; hugs, kisses, notes, cards. All those little things I miss.
Now the rewards are great too. Sissy & Bella's school year accomplishments & their grades. Sissy's job & car. Bella's baking. But not too many hugs & kisses...
Now the expectations & demands on us parents are bigger too, but not always that reasonable.
...
After losing you baby girl-
Maybe we gave too much to try & compensate. To compensate for not being the perfect parents. To forget about the pain momentarily. Whatever it took...
Maybe we gave too much of ourselves, when there wasn't much left to give.
Now that we're trying to pull back, it seems like a big deal...
...
Your sisters aren't little anymore, so it's not that easy. They've entered that dreaded teenage stage. Hopefully we can slow it down for Bella.
I sometimes wonder if you were here now, at age 13, you would be giving me the same headaches. <3
I wouldn't mind it, as long as you were here my mouse. That is what I try & remind myself with them. That there are worse things. That at least they are here by my side for us to argue & make up. That I would rather have that than the other alternative..
I think about it whenever I meet a bereaved parent online who lost their only child...
How horrible that would be.
...
I'm trying...I'm trying my mouse. Daddy too. Everyday.
It's so hard being a parent. It's the hardest job in the world.
I hope that this too shall pass. That these are just growing pains & we will get through it with minimal silent treatments or verbal sparring matches.
I'm trying not to shut down like I usually do. The therapist gave me some meditation exercises to use whenever I feel my anxiety & stress levels go up. So far so good. I have a feeling I will be an expert before the year is over.
I love you my mouse.
It was always hard staying mad at you because you would crack up in the middle of me yelling at you & then make me crack up. Remember that?
I miss that & I miss you.
And whether your sisters want to believe it or not now, I know one day they will.
I love them too.
Goodnight.
Sweet dreams,
Mommy.
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| Working on this. I'm trying. |
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| This too. |
We had a hard week too babe. Sometimes I want to change everything. Run away...
ReplyDeleteEach day I feel depleated and then there's something more that gets added on our plate.
Then there are those lapses that become breakthroughs and it gives me the strength to continue.
I have also been considering talking to
someone, after that breakdown I had with mom, just felt so overwhelmed. I think it's important to reach out babe. It's important to take care of yourself too. Allow yourself to ask for help. Teach yourself too. In the beginning we may not get the response we would like, but, it has to happen. For our sanity and health.
We are so constantly worried about others and taking care of everything and everyone else...how but us? Every day, no matter what-we have to make every effort to do
something for ourselves.
The kids are growing. I try to stay sympathetic, because school is hard. I don't know if I would've even gotten to high school. The demand and toll it takes on our kids is a lot. I believe the suicide rates in schools really say a lot. Teachers who are adults feel it. They are barely making it through the week, I think about the kids...
Growing up and being here is hard. I have given serious thought in just packing up. Feel like we are always just keeping our head above water and that's no life. Working to live and living to work. I told C that something major has to happen, I don't always feel appreciated at work or with the boys...just need a change of something. I promised myself one more year, and then we have to make some decisions.
Sometimes we have to find those opportunities for happiness by changing something. Within ourselves, environment, situation...I believe in that.
I have been praying...but I know that we have ability also. We just need guidance. And I hope we will get some support with our steering.
Each and every one of us needs it.
But we have to remember to first take care of ourselves. We need our strength. It's okay to seek support if we don't feel it. That support is the difference. It's the difference between having a nervous breakdown or not. We don't deserve that.
Some of the things that come out of T or D can be frustrating...arguing and talking back and after a long day that is the last thing we need. I try to remember that they have no clue. We have provided them with so much more, they can't possibly get it.
Keep going to the person babe. Unload. They are there to figure out strategies. We have to be completely honest to get to the root and mend the broken parts. We have to get TLC too. We work so hard for everyone else...why not ourselves?
The dishes will be there for awhile, the messes, the stress will always be there...no matter what...so every day we have to make a commitment to ourselves that we will do something for ourselves.
One day the kids will be adults and will lead their own lives. ;( we will look back and remember the sweetest memories. The messes and attitudes won't be so prominent. We will remember the smiles, the love that was shared too. We have to get to the point that we know ourselves too...for the day they start their own lives will be here before we know it.
I love you 💜
Love you too, sorry you are going through it too. I hope that you take care of yourself also- remember that your health comes first. You're right, sometimes we have to sit down and decide on what our priorities are & make goals to change what we can. It's not impossible. And we do need our strength first to do that. We always have each other. <3
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