Her name was Hailey

My sweet girl,

I'm learning over & over how grief can hit whenever & however it wants. Things can be going ok one minute, maybe even more than ok...then boom.

Yesterday was my day off & I was up early working on the yard, something I actually enjoy doing. There's something therapeutic about it, being out there in the sun (early or late before it's too too hot), the dirt, watering, seeding, weeding...it gets my mind off things. Just like cleaning does- I know, your momma is crazy.

But I was out there living, doing...rather than sitting, sleeping or not doing...not living. Sometimes it's a choice we have to make & stick to it. When you are living life like I am now; day to day, sometimes hour to hour, minute by minute- these small things become big things.

Aiden's mom mentioned that once on a FB post. She said she kept a to-do list (recommended by her therapist) those early months & if she could at least cross one thing off a day, it gave her a sense of accomplishment. It helped her fight her battle with depression; with grief.

I agree. It helps us keep one foot in front of the other...
...

Anyway my angel, I don't know if you saw our neighbor come over & help me finish cutting the grass as I was pulling the weeds in the flower garden.

I don't know if you heard him ask (in his broken English) about the angel I have out there...asking "Maria? Maria?" Which I think he meant; Mary, as in the Virgin Mary?

I answered "No, my daughter." He laughed a little, looking surprised & confused & asked, "Your daughter?!" Then I proceeded to explain to him..."My daughter died two years ago. She's an angel."

He was no longer confused. I watched his face fall as he began to understand.

Then for some reason that I don't even know why...I went in the house & got a picture of you to show him. I showed him a smiling picture of you from a time you asked me to straighten your hair with the blow dryer. So beautiful. So sweet.

With tears running down my face, I told him again how you died two years ago, from Type One Diabetes. Your name was Hailey.

With his sad face & limited English, he said "Ohhh, my mother too. I'm sorry." And gave me a small hug.
...

When I went back to Sissy's room to put your picture back, I broke down in tears. Two years. Her name was Hailey. She died. Our angel.

I cried like I am now. Maybe it was saying the words out loud to a stranger. Saying "died" instead of "passed" like I normally do so he could understand. Saying two years.....two years & 3 months to be exact...

Maybe it was looking down at your smiling face & feeling the pain all over again. Missing you. Wishing it was all a bad dream. A lie.

But it isn't & there's nothing I can do.
...

I'm sorry baby girl. I wish I could. I wish I could of done more. I wish we never went. I wish so many things...

Your name was Hailey. Your name will always be Hailey. You will always be my daughter, my heart, my life.

I will always love you.

You will always be our precious angel.

And you didn't die. You are still alive in our hearts. You are waiting on the other side & we will one day see you again.

This is what I believe- what I know in my heart to be true.

And I will look forward to that day...for the rest of my life.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

The picture I showed him. My Hailey <3

And you still are. You & your sisters.