Back to school nights

Mouse,

It's been so busy these days, I find myself with less & less time to write. But sometimes the laundry, dishes & cooking have to wait. Sometimes my heart calls out & I have to stop, & listen.

It's Tuesday, but it feels like another Monday.

Sissy & Daddy are working (the only school night she'll be working, for now at least). Bella is busy doing her homework (she actually has homework this year & a lot of it). This is the first evening I can sit with my thoughts.
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Last night was back-to-school night for Bella & last week was Sissy's. So yesterday, after working all day & making dinner, I forced myself to go to the middle school where you should of been going too...

It was hard baby girl. I think the only reason my anxiety didn't get the best of me is because I was really tired. I went through the motions of following your sister's schedule; class by class, meeting her teachers & listening to their introductions etc. I was lucky not to fall asleep for a couple of them. I felt like I was back in school myself...

I tried to revert my thoughts from haunting me, yet there they were. I never had a chance to do this for you. You never got to start 6th grade. You should be in 8th grade now...on & on. My heart was hurting, just like it is now.

My only saving grace was your sister's smiling face. Bella decided to come with me at the last minute to buy some books at the book fair & do her homework in the library. She was excited because she saw many of her friends there. She was super excited & happy. It's hard for some of that not to rub off. :) I love her so much for it. Always knows how to make me feel better. <3
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Last week was Sissy's. I was surprised at some of the classes she's going to be taking. I knew they were going to be challenging, but I think she's really going to have her work cut out for her, my mouse. Which is why I told her to cut her hours at work down to two days...

During one of her classes- the AP Capstone class, her teacher started off by saying "Let me just begin by telling you that the fact that your child chose this class & this program, says a lot about your child. It says they are mature, responsible & they care about their future. Not only does it say a lot about them, but it says a lot about you, the parents responsible for raising them. I have to also acknowledge & give thanks to you, the parents...for raising them to be terrific individuals"...

It was pretty awesome to hear baby girl. We all smiled as we looked around the room at one another. She went on about other things too, but that is what I most remember, what I took with me that night.

I will try hard to remember this whenever Sissy is in one of her moods & is giving me a hard time. ;)

We talked about how you would be in school now, your sisters & I. We guessed that you would be a social butterfly, like usual. But that you would also be smart & responsible. After all, you always had Sissy to look up to, & you always did. I love her for that too, baby girl.
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I go on, with part of my heart always missing. Because your sisters & Daddy take up the other parts...

and because I have to.

Because I know you would want me to.
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But I miss you so much my mouse. What I would do now to just feel one of your big bear hugs...

Life isn't fair. It seems that no matter what, one can't have it all.

So we are left to just be grateful for what we do have.

What other choice is there?
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I love you my beautiful angel.

I hope you are flying high & free.

I know that no matter what, our bond will never be broken.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3