Dream

My beautiful girl,

After days of wishing to see you in my dreams I finally woke up this morning to your beautiful face & one of your warm hugs...

Maybe because Bella & I were talking about you last night before bed. She noticed I had a tough day. She always does. Seems to be the only one sometimes. But she came to check on me before bed & say goodnight. She took one look & said:

"I know Mommy, I miss her too. You know you don't have to be strong all the time."

Oh baby girl. She hugged me & I hugged her in return so tight, kissing her with tears falling out of my eyes... making her cheeks wet.

Your sister is such an old beautiful soul.

I told her she's my saving grace. Though the funny thing is strong is the last thing I feel most days.
...

Her getting into the shower is what half woke me up this morning, while dreaming of you, still in the middle of a deep deep sleep. Like I was half unconscious; half in my dream, half waking to reality. In my dream you were little again, about 6 or 7, you were wearing this white tank top, what we always call an "undershirt".

You would wear it around the house a lot. Since you mostly wore hand-me-downs from Sissy & your cousins, they were always about 2 sizes too big. The front would be loose & the spaghetti straps would be hanging. I'd always be able to see the front of your little flat chest- always so bony, my skinny mouse. But you hated to be called skinny.

It was like that in my dream too. The undershirt was big & I could see your chest. Your wavy black hair was flowing...

There were other parts of my dream I could not make out though baby girl, that were strange. Black hair all over the floor, in a place I didn't recognize...like we were living in someone else's house. I kept calling on you girls to clean the "mess", the hair, saying we were expecting company...

I saw you playing in the corner with some other little girl, I couldn't make out who. After like the 3rd time calling your name, you finally walked over smiling. That's when I finally started waking...

And because I knew I was going to be leaving my dream soon, my mouse, I hugged you & you hugged me back. Like I consciously made it happen, because I knew it would be my last chance.

I savored every second of having you in my arms. My little girl. With your little frame. It was so real. Your hair, the same as I remember....everything the same as I remember...
...

So so painful but beautiful too. I would rather endure the pain of waking to reality than to never dream of you at all.

Oh my sweet girl. Sometimes I don't know how much more I could take. Some days I feel like I can take no more.

But then I remember your sisters too. Bella hugging me last night. Telling me she misses you too. That she knows...

I wish she didn't. I wish this was all just a dream, one of those you wake up from & feel relief knowing it was just that- a dream. Just a dream.

But ours is one that we will never wake from. In fact, every morning we remember it anew.
...

I will tell myself there will be better days.

I will tell myself not to be sad, that you are watching from above.

I will tell myself that I will get to hug you for real one day.

I love you baby girl. I miss you with all my soul.

Mommy