Humble & Hard

Baby girl,

A couple days ago Ayde told me she had a dream of you & you were happy, smiling & playing. She asked why don't you come see me & you answered that you do, that you're always there when I come talk to you at my favorite place....& that I always know you're there with me.

It must be the gardens, because that's where I go most often to talk to you. It's usually so nice & peaceful there...

I do feel your spirit baby girl. Just like I can feel God's presence too. More so lately.
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It's weird for me to say that & hard to explain why...but maybe I can try.

I guess I never been much a believer in anything. Mainly because of our upbringing, the hard life we've had...so many things.

Because of the hard life we had, I guess I was hard too. Maybe that's the choice we have after all; to be hard or humble. Sometimes we don't get to make that choice either. Sometimes life makes it for you.
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In my case,

I started out innocent as we all do.

Then I became hard.

Now, I'm humble...
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Life has broken down my walls, my dignity...my barriers. Broken me down period, my mouse. Now I feel weak, vulnerable, fragile, hurt.

With no such energy to become hard again. It takes more energy & will than people ever realize.

So it seems like my only other choice is stay humble.

It seems easier to follow your guiding light & God's too, that way.

These thoughts came to me today baby girl, as I was walking Rocky. Looking up at the bright blue skies, thinking of you. Breathing in the fresh air & feeling the cool breeze...

I don't know which is better baby girl, to get through this life- hard or humble. I think maybe you need a little of both.

All I know is that being hard sometimes, you miss out on all the small stuff life has to offer. It's right in front of us, but we are still lost, searching for more & we just keep hardening.

But the sad thing is that not everyone has this moment of enlightenment. It seems unfair, because everyone should get the chance...& not at the price we had to pay.

You continue to teach me so many things & I am thankful. But I still miss you more than words could say.

And I would still trade it all to have you back. Because of that, a little piece of me will still remain hard. It just can't be helped.

I love you my beautiful angel.

Forever,
Your mommy