Part of me

My angel,

September is here. Your sisters are on their second week of school. Yesterday was Labor Day. The days keep passing...time keeps ticking, with no chance to stop or hit pause. No chance to hit rewind or fast forward.

It amazes me how time can still pass by so fast, when we are still living day by day, hour by hour. But it does.

It finally seems like we are back on a daily routine schedule with school & work. It took a whole week to adjust our sleep schedules etc.

Sissy is on her junior year now & Bella in middle school. It's going to be a tough year for Sissy since she has all those AP courses. Bella was really nervous for her first day of school but it looks like she's getting the hang of it.

Your sisters are growing my mouse. As they grow & change, so does my role as a parent. There are things that I don't have to worry so much about now, like preparing school lunches, making sure their homework is done; the small things.

It's the big things I have to worry more about now. I'd like to think I've taught them enough to steer them in the right direction. But they are still young yet baby girl. As tiring as it gets, it seems that I have to be more involved now than ever.

My time is divided between that, work, Daddy & my family. I continue to look towards the positive side; to be grateful for all the things we have, like each other. Our jobs, our roof, food...it seems cliché baby girl. But watching the news & the state of the world these days, these are big things too.

It doesn't take away the pain. It might mute it only for a moment. I've accepted the fact that the pain will never go away. That it's here to stay, in many shapes, forms & sizes. Depending on the day, the minute, the hour.

But if I can make room for the pain as well as joy & gratitude in my heart baby girl...if I can do both, maybe it's possible to still make it through this life. Until I see you again.

It's a big feat, but if it can make life more bearable, than I'm willing to try. 
...

I continue to try & heal. Sometimes I drown myself in sorrow on purpose. Sometimes I still need to. Grief has become part of me. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I need that time to be alone with it...

I still watch & read movies about loss...still looking for answers. Still looking for hope. I do find them baby girl. It helps me.

Just recently I watched the movies; The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby Him & Her, about a couple dealing with the loss of their son. Here are some quotes:

"Tragedy is a foreign country. We don't know how to talk to the natives."

"I wasn't prepared for what it feels like."

"A shooting star only lasts a second, but... aren't you glad to at least have seen it?"

"Do I seem like a different person to you?"

"We live in a world of probabilities."

And a quote from another movie I recently saw that I can't even remember the name of...

 "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."

That one is my favorite.
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I long to see you my mouse. To be with you. To see your sweet smile.

When it seems like I can't take another moment, I close my eyes.

There, in my mind I can see you smiling bright. See the happiness & love radiating from your eyes. I can see the beautiful waves in your hair & the soft outline of nose & lips.

Your beautiful face forever engraved in my mind, forever engraved in my heart. Nothing will ever erase it. Also a part of me...
...

I'm looking forward for fall to start my angel.

I'm also going to look into continuing working on T1D awareness. I know God has a mission for me & I don't want to lose track.

In the meantime all I ask is that he continue to protect our loved ones. That he continue to give us strength & some peace.

In return, I'll do whatever it takes to see you again. Please tell him though, that I need his help, ok?
...

I love & miss you everyday.

From now until the end of time.

My sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3