Dana's 40th reunion

Baby girl,

I learned this past weekend how important it is to stop all the outside noise once in a while. The noise of TV's, phones, the Internet...all of it.

To go somewhere to get away from it all; to recoup, recharge, refocus. To instead tune in to the voices in our head, in our hearts & our soul.

That's what we did this weekend (me & Uncle Bri-Bri). We escaped to the mountains & had a grand old time with old friends. It wasn't exactly silent- there was noise, but it was in the form of talking, crying & lots & lots of laughter.
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We were there; at Dana's parents' house in the mountains to celebrate Dana's 40th, a week early because next week will be too hard on her parents.

This is the third birthday celebration they've had without her. Our first to attend, because we just haven't been able to before, which we both felt bad about. But I think the timing was right, it actually couldn't of been better.

Like her parents said to us. "We knew you'd come when you were ready."

We were definitely ready baby girl.

To think we share the same pain of losing a child. To think we'd be reunited so many years later...to remember the life of our dear Dana. Someone who was once so alive- more than anyone I ever met...only to be talking about her in past tense.
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But our reunion wasn't as heartbreaking as that baby girl. I'm sure you know & she knows, that we were so filled with joy to see them again. To share, to laugh & to remember so many good memories. Even the bad ones. How healing it was- how much it was needed, by all of us.

It couldn't of gone any better.

Even though I've always felt they were a part of me, I felt it more this weekend. They are my family too. They were my second family during my high school years & then life drifted us apart. But the memories are forever.

It's like Di-Di said (Dana's mom)- she said it reminded her of a song from Adele...the lyrics recalling the best time of our lives. She mentioned a couple lines & I found the lyrics:

We all agreed.
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She didn't know you had passed baby girl. She didn't know much about me of course, after all these years. Or Brian for that matter. We talked about it only briefly because another mutual friend of ours, was there & was struck with grieve because of our other friend Christian's death....

& anyway baby girl, I'm sure you know no one could get in a word in edgewise. But it's ok. No words are needed. One knowing look, one heart talks to another- we just know.

We did speak enough to talk about signs & grief...but I will share those later. It will have to be continued in another letter my angel.

Tomorrow I have to go in to the office, so I have to get up early & I haven't slept well this past week as it is...

Oh my sweet girl.

How I wish you were here laying on my bed like you used to. We would lay facing each other & talk about our day. I would silently lay there & listen & admire you...thinking it unbelievable that I created something so beautiful & precious. Wondering what the hell I did right in this world to deserve you...

& now you're in another world. Far enough away that I can't touch or hold you, or look into those amazing brown eyes & wonder again in bewilderment, wondering what I did to deserve you.

Now I wonder what I did to deserve losing you.
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I know this is not the way to think. I've learned better along the way. Even this weekend, I learned better. I have to take away what I've learned & try & leave the rest behind. I know this is what you want me to do, my sweet angel.

I know this is what you are always wanting to teach me.

I'm trying. I just still miss you that's all.

Again, I will go to sleep remembering that big night sky full of stars- up in the middle of the mountains...

I will go to sleep in peace knowing that your light shines down, that you are ok, more than ok. That you can see our light from up above too.

The light of our love that shines for you. I know you can see it too.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3