Family

My beautiful girl,

There's been so much happening lately, I don't know where to start. I guess I will start by looking where I always look- first into my heart.

Today was Abuelita's 90th birthday celebration with the whole family, except us. Me, Caro & Mikey. Of course Uncle Mikey & family live too far, but I don't know that he would of gone even if he was here...

Auntie & I chose not to go for some complicated reasons my mouse. Reasons that I never got a chance to talk to you about. But I did talk to your sisters. I'm sure you were there listening. If you were, you can understand me & Auntie's reasons for not going.

It has to do with something horrible that happened to us when we were little, something that we kept secret until we were adults, when we were ready to confront the family. But once we did, it received no acknowledgement...instead it was swept under the rug as something small, as nothing at all. Swept under the rug too were our all our feelings; treated as if nothing ever happened, as if it didn't matter, as if we didn't matter.

After years of living with this horrible secret & it's repercussions; the response from our family felt like a slap in the face. Almost like the final straw that broke the bonds of trust, love & protection we always depended on.

Not only did they sweep it under the rug, but they expected us to do the same. To go on like we've been doing this whole time; with no answers, no acknowledgment, no closure...

Instead of receiving the support we were looking for; the response we got from was "Why did you wait all this time? Why bother saying anything at all, now?" And then to get no response at all from the one we needed the most....was so very hurtful.

Sorry baby girl. I didn't want to write this much about it, but you can't imagine how hard it's been for Auntie & I to hold so much in for so long.

I'm glad you can't imagine, or your sisters because it would kill me if you did.
...

Many times since our coming out with this secret, the family (them) has had get-togethers, birthdays, holidays, like nothing ever happened. I tried to make my peace with it, deciding I wasn't going to let it sink me further. Even though it bothered me deep down inside, I knew that if I were to overthink things, it would mean the end of all our family ties altogether. Specially with the one person that matters the most. So I chose to suck it up & look the other way.

Then when you passed away, it seemed to bring us closer together. The love we have for you, the pain of losing you- erased everything in the past. At least for a long while, my angel. We needed each other to overcome. :(
...

But little by little things have a way of re-emerging. Specially things that were never dealt with in the beginning...

Which leads us to Abuelita's 90th birthday party. An event that my sis & I weren't going to treat any differently than years past. They choose to celebrate with whom, where & in which they want. They were never bothered before that we never went. It seemed like that's they preferred. We accepted it. It is what it is (I hate that saying, but it's true).

Why all this has re-emerged now was because they asked us to go this time.

We said no & explained our reasons again. Long story short baby girl, the whole thing got turned around as if to make us feel bad or guilty for the choice we made.

We are supposed to forgive, when no apologies were given. We are supposed to forget, when no attempt for closure has been made. We are supposed to repress our feelings once again, to save face for the sake of our family...

All because the person who is at fault has no balls (excuse my language). Because the one person who could "fix" this, won't or can't or who knows what the fuck (sorry). And we are supposed to be ok with that & move on...
...

I'm sorry again my angel. I know it's a lot for one letter.

I know probably none of this makes sense, yet if you look into my heart you already know...

The hurt this whole thing has caused. Our family has always been so close; even with our many faults. As children we grew up around them, counting on them, depending on them. Maybe that's why this hurts more, because now as adults we see the faults more clearly.

To know that this one thing we knew & relied on to be true & constant, never wavering...our family...really isn't...

Oh baby girl. I feel like we're being looked at being over-dramatic or over-reacting & yet I wonder if this same horrible thing would happen now in our family, with their children....how dramatic or over-reacting would they be?
...

I can say honestly in my heart how proud I am of Auntie & I for making it this far in our lives, despite all the things we've had to deal with & still are dealing with.

I got a chance to talk to her today while we had lunch with the kids. I looked at my sister & felt so thankful to have her in my life. Through thick & thin we've been there for each other & I know in my heart we always will.

I don't have any answers baby girl- for many things. But I know one thing- love always wins. I know that, because it's what held me from breaking apart many times.

The size or the look of a family doesn't matter- it's what's in here, our hearts. I know with that, we will always continue to fight & prosper.

My family; my immediate family, you, your sisters, my brother & sister have a bond that will never break. I can always at least count on that.

In the end, that is all we need. Something or someone we can always count on.

I love you little girl. With all my heart.

I saw so many Haileyflies today when we were in DC, walking for Autism.

They were fluttering all around & my heart smiled. I knew you were there.

I know you're always there.

I know I can count on that too.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy <3