Choices

My little girl,

I used to hate Mondays. Not in the way everyone else does; because it's the start of the work or school week, but because it's the day you passed.

It wasn't only hate I felt, it was absolute terror. Every Monday, the first year was like a stab in the heart. A kick in the gut. Every Monday, I relived that horrible day, over & over.

Daddy would find me in your room Monday mornings crying my eyes out, holding on to something of yours. Then he would hug & join me. Standing there, holding each other, we'd just cry together.

Slowly over time, I had to force myself to forget. I had to force myself to stop counting each Monday. Forced myself to stop counting the weeks & then months after that. I had to force myself to stop if I was to move forward. To stop the torment...

But it's not easy. Every now & then I still remember. The months especially. I just can't help it.

This Monday I woke up & saw a glow of orange & pink shining through our bedroom blinds & I had to take a look. This is what I saw-

It made me smile.

First thing I thought was, "Hi my mouse. Good morning. I love you."
...

They say happiness is a choice baby girl. I think it's only halfway true. I'm sure if any of us would have a choice, of course we'd prefer to stay happy.

But life happens, & life is unfair. It is cruel. It is hard.

I think most of us do the best with what we have. We fight for happiness, we struggle to keep it. But it gets tiring sometimes. For some, the struggle is harder than for others. Sometimes it's gets to be too much...

Sometimes we have the strength to keep fighting, but sometimes we just give in.
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I guess what I'm trying to say baby girl, is that we all have our good days & bad days. Some days I have the strength it takes to turn those bad ones into good, sometimes I don't. But it makes the good ones even better.

Today I saw the sun come up & in it I saw your smiling face & I smiled back. If I had a choice, every Monday would be the same. But I know that's unrealistic.

But today, I enjoyed it.

Maybe the good choice I made was to get up & look in the first place. Even though I knew it was the sunrise behind those blinds, I didn't just pass by to go use the bathroom & brush my teeth...

I stopped & looked & even took a picture so I could write about it later.
...

If I had a choice, I'd bring you back. That would bring me back my happiness. But I don't. I can't. So I make the best of what I have. Your sisters, Daddy, my family & friends...the people that make me happy.

And you baby girl. Looking down on me from those beautiful skies. I know I don't have to look far, because you're always there.

And it's not my choice of when I will see you again, but I know I will someday.

And that, makes me happy too.
...

I love you my little girl.

Today & always,
Mommy <3