Today was another tough day. I wish I had something better to write about, some good news maybe. But all I can write about is what consumes me right now- this relentless grief.
I'm tired babygirl.
I'm tired of crying, tired of feeling this pain...today I felt a physical kind of pain in my heart that I don't remember ever feeling. Maybe the pain of an actual broken heart- coming from the deepest part of me...
It just hurts. I just miss you. There are no words to describe it.
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The pressure of the holidays, birthdays, & now Christmas has gotten to me. The family is asking about our plans & I have no answer to give them. I don't want to make any plans because I don't want to make any promises & then have to break them. I see & feel the disappointment in their faces.
I was hoping to escape it altogether & go see Uncle Mikey & meet the new baby, but things didn't work out & it looks like we'll have to wait a little while longer...
My mom, my dad, my sis, my brother...I worry about them all. Just feeling overwhelmed. I know they are used to seeing me strong, but sometimes I just can't wear this mask. Sometimes I just need to take it off & grieve. I know they wish it were different, I do too.
It's like this article one of the moms in my group posted:
It's not the life we chose:
Grief and Holidays: What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2016/09/03/grief-and-holidayswhat-the-bereaved-need-from-friends-and-family/
It's so true...
I shared this on FB, in hopes my family would read it & try to understand.
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One good thing that cheered me up today was Bella. It was just me & her today because Sissy & Daddy had to work. She made me feel better like she always does. She said to me: "Don't worry Mommy, I'm always here for you. You can cry, you don't have to wear your mask around me."
She have me a hug & literally gave me her shoulder to cry on because she's gotten so tall now. <3
We hung out at home all day & watched movies while she did her homework & practiced her violin. We also baked cookies. Stars, Christmas trees & angel sugar cookies. I'll show you the pictures later...but I know you were there with us.
Your sister not only has a sweetness that reminds me of you, she also has your smile. The other day we went to Papi's to celebrate Valeria's birthday & Ayde sent me a pic of Bella she took, she said it was a nice pic of her. I agree. I see so much of you in her...
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| I'm not the only one that thinks so. Even FB always tags you automatically when I post a picture of her. It never fails. |
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I'm trying so hard to be grateful for everything baby girl. I'm trying hard to continue living this life without you. I know you are in a better place. I know that I have much to live for...I know all these things. Yet knowing these things don't matter to my heart some days. Some days, nothing else matters.
Our minds & our hearts aren't as connected as we'd like to think. :(
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| How I felt today. :( |
I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
I'm going to check on your tree.
I love you my mouse.
I miss you so much.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy
We love you babe. I think there has always been so much pressure during the holidays. I remember growing up although I loved sharing Christmas with the family, I remember dad barely having enough time to wrap presents. I remember the pressure of giving presents to people we barely saw throughout the year. Christmas is really about celebrating Christ. I think our society can get caught up and lost in it. I respect your wishes and understand. I just want you to know that you don’t have to be strong for us. I don’t think a person is capable of this profound strength, I think Christ carries most of he burdens that I let off into the universe, sometimes it helps me feel better to just let it out and go rather than thinking that my shoulders should carry the load. I hope you know that you don’t have to be anyway. We love you, without conditions. You have my support and understanding all the way. Sometimes I don’t know if giving you time or being around helps, so I wait and listen. I hope you know although I do that, it doesn’t mean I’m not here. 💜
ReplyDeleteThanks sis, I know you're always here. You're one of the few I can always count on. I know it's hard for dad to understand, about this and other things too...I just miss her and the pressure of having to be merry and happy on the holidays when I'm not...it's too much sometimes. It becomes just another reminder. :( love u
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