Little Women

My beautiful girl,

I've been finding it hard to sleep these past few weeks. At first, I thought it was just from being anxious to go see Uncle Mikey. Now that has come & gone. :( And yet another sleepless night.

I've even gone through an entire book in a little over a week- "Little Women", a classic. I chose it after watching a trailer for an upcoming remake their doing; a series, in May. It felt like one of those times I felt a magnet attracting me to a certain movie, song or book & I read it, saw it or heard it & sure enough there was a message in it, that had to do with you. <3
...

And sure enough it did.

It's a story about the lives of sisters. One of them named Beth, whom the family regarded as the "pet mouse." She was sweet, kind & generous, played with baby dolls (gave special attention to the invalid one, like you would after Juno would chew their arms & legs. I'd say, Hailey throw them away, they're all chewed up. But you refused & would dress them up & give them extra love anyway). She loved animals too, specially her kittens.

She passes away young too. :(


“There are many Beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitting in corners till needed, and living for others so cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifices till the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet, sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind.”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women    

“I’m not like the rest of you; I never made any plans about what I’d do when I grew up; I never thought of being married, as you did. I couldn’t seem to imagine myself anything but stupid little Beth, trotting about at home, of no use anywhere but there. I never wanted to go away, and the hard part now is leaving you all. I’m not afraid, but it seems as if I should be homesick for you even in heaven.”   :(

“There were six dolls to be taken up and dressed every morning, for Beth was a child still, and loved her pets as well as ever. Not one whole or handsome one among them; all were outcasts till Beth took them in; for, when her sisters outgrew these idols, they passed to her.... Beth cherished them all the more tenderly for that very reason, and set up a hospital for infirm dolls. No pins were ever stuck into their cotton vitals; no harsh words or blows were ever given them; no neglect ever saddened the heart of the most repulsive: but all were fed and clothed, nursed and caressed, with an affection which never failed.”

“If life is often so hard as this, I don't see how we ever shall get through it…”  

“For with eyes made clear by many tears, and a heart softened by the tenderest sorrow, she recognized the beauty of her sister's life—uneventful, unambitious, yet full of the genuine virtues which 'smell sweet, and blossom in the dust', the self-forgetfulness that makes the humblest on earth remembered soonest in heaven, the true success which is possible to all.”  

“Beth could not reason upon or explain the faith that gave her courage and patience to give up life, and cheerfully wait for death. Like a confiding child, she asked no questions, but left everything to God and nature, Father and Mother of us all, feeling sure that they, and they only, could teach and strengthen heart and spirit for this life and the life to come.”  

“Then it was that Jo, living in the darkened room, with that suffering little sister always before her eyes and that pathetic voice sounding in her ears, learned to see the beauty and the sweetness of Beth's nature, to feel how deep and tender a place she filled in all hearts, and to acknowledge the worth of Beth's unselfish ambition to live for others, and make home happy by that exercise of those simple virtues which all may possess, and which all should love and value more than talent, wealth, or beauty.”  

And there was more my mouse.

There was a scene with the family, the first Christmas without Beth where they missed her but also felt her presence & said their family would always include her, because without her, they were incomplete.

Sound familiar?

Of course I cried while reading it...
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Another sign? I feel like it is. The most touching part to me was when she said that as much as she'd love to be in Heaven, she'd still feel homesick. That pierced my heart, because it made me wonder if you are homesick too? :(

Oh baby girl....

This is what I do when I'm not writing to you. I'm either reading or watching a movie related to grief. Working on puzzles...I mean besides everyday regular life. I have to make time for these things because it's how I cope. I don't seem to have a choice.

And I'm constantly being directed to do so with these subtle signs. It's what's been sustaining me.

I guess there are worse things.

At least they seem to help. They seem to be working...
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I miss you so much.

Every single minute of the day.

And I love you with all my heart & soul. My beautiful angel.

In the book all the sisters talk about their "castles in the sky".

I hope & pray you are living in your very own castle in the sky.

I know you are.

Goodnight for now.

Sweet dreams.

Forever,
Your mommy <3