I've shared this memory on Fb before but I checked back & I don't think I've ever shared it here.
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This is a picture of you & my mom side by side.
Ever since you were little, I remember sometimes I'd look at you & catch a look or expression that reminded me of my mom.
Your hair- it's texture & even the wave in it reminded me of my mom. Sometimes when I found myself missing her, I'd kiss the top of your head & it reminded me of my mom...
Your hands, fingernails, sometimes even your personality. You were so pretty, feminine & dainty sometimes, the way you loved shoes & dresses...
It reminded me of my mom- the younger version of her, before she got really sick. The "good & happy" version of her. I don't remember my mom ever wearing jeans or pants until I was much older. She'd never leave the house without a dress & heels. Auntie Alina would say, "I love the way your mom always dresses up!"
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You weren't domestic like my mom- she didn't like to cook or clean either. :) We used to joke how you'd marry a rich guy so you wouldn't have to do any of those things- how you'd hire someone to do it for you. I often thought my mom would of been better off having that kind of life too. That maybe she wouldn't of gotten so sick, had she had that "type of life."
I know one thing would be different though- you would of been a great mom. The way you loved babies, always so sweet, attentive & affectionate. My mom had a hard time in that department...
Oh baby girl. There were other similarities too- that worried me, but I don't want to really remember now.
All I know is that after you passed, I thought about the irony of life & it made me so mad. All those years of me telling you how much you reminded me of her- all that time of saving money & making plans to see her...all that just so you could go & meet her for a day & then pass away?? Even now as I recall it, it doesn't make any sense.
I've gone over it so many times in my head trying to figure it out. How, how could of this happened. Was it fate? Was this "the plan" all along? What the hell was it.
To make myself feel better & not feel so angry towards God, I'd tell myself that maybe he knew something worse would of happened to you when you got older. That maybe he was "saving" you... That maybe you were too much like my mom...that maybe you were going to get sick too & have a future full of pain. :( :( :(
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I'm sorry my angel. But it's where a mother's mind goes- or anyone who ever lost someone- to try & make sense of something so senseless.
As this memory came up on my Fb, I can't help but recall all these thoughts.
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My mom still talks about you.
To my surprise, she's one of the few that I can still talk to, about you. Maybe because she knows. Even being thousands of miles away- she knows. I've cried to her & been silent, sometimes I open up. She seems to know what I need at the time. It's amazing baby girl.
We've never connected about anything. Throughout my entire life. I've never "needed her" or depended on her for anything. Because of her illness- I've always just learned to deal with things alone. But this is different. These last couple years- she stopped being the needy one, when I talk to her, she doesn't make things about just her anymore.
Throughout my life, I thought she really didn't know me. But it turns out she knows me almost better than anyone else.
Like once when I was feeling really down- I know she could tell. She went on rambling, then she stops to tell me that she was thinking of you one afternoon when she was home. She was sitting on the kitchen table & she looked up & saw a purple light shining through the window. She said she suddenly had a vision of you in your "purple jacket" (the purple NorthFace jacket you wore to Bolivia & always) & it made her smile.
The purple light- my mom never knew your favorite color was purple. So it stood out in my mind.
Just these little things baby girl...
Maybe my mom wasn't one of the best moms in the world. But in the end she's my mom. Deep down, she knows me. Now I know.
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And she loves you my angel. As well as your sisters & cousins.
I know you've seen her walking to church & praying almost every day.
I don't know what the future will bring, specially these next couple of years- after my grandfather passes & she'll have nowhere to go. I pray for her to, for us. That God- the God that she is so devoted & faithful to, will find a way to guide us, to help us protect her....
and maybe, just maybe to give her a future without so much pain.
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I love you my sweet girl.
I would often say your eyes had that expression of "hojitos tristes" (sad eyes) like my mom's. Even when you were happy.
I know I no longer have to worry about that- of you being sad. But I still wish you were here to see your beautiful face & to make sure.
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I miss you everyday.
So much.
Forever,
Your mommy
💜 purple light...that’s amazing. Visiting Mom maybe because she sees that she needs it. :( How much happiness that must’ve been for her. I will have faith too babe. I’m happy now because I’m able to do a little more now to help her. Things are slowly turning around. I guess that’s what faith is. Believing in something you can’t fully see. Believing to make it possible.
ReplyDeleteThere’s a strong connection with all of us babe. Hailey’s imprints will last forever. Even though physically she only met her once, the love is eternal. Because of the love she has for you, her love for Hailey was instant. Much like perhaps our love for our grandkids one day will be. Can you imagine? Our babies having babies? I will adore them. 💜
Mom talks about the trip and all of you each time I have the opportunity to call. The last time we talked she knew that I was going through a hard time even though we didn’t have a lot of time to catch up. It’s crazy that even with such a long distance between us and all this time that has passed, she has this special intuition that no one else has about us all. Sometimes that’s why I don’t call :( any inkling of sadness and she picks up right away. She is always right on too. She knows without words. She knows without body language or facial gestures. Our voice translates and I believe our hearts our interconnected.
Much like when anyone of us feel pain, joy, sadness...I feel it too.
Everytime I have felt Hailey close, it has been a peaceful feeling. Calming. I don’t know...maybe that’s the message. All the things that are tied to our connection with her are peaceful, bright, and calming...maybe where she is all the things that we struggle with here are not something she has to go through. That’s my hope.
I’d like to think that some of the best parts of us also come from Mom. Although she wasn’t affectionate, even now, through her sickness, I can feel the love and devotion.
I hate that the sickness overcame the best of who she was. :( Maybe that’s why she is constantly reliving and remembering. She has gene through so much pain because of it too and now I realize that.
I hope Hailey visits her often for us.
True babe. I don't think God abandons us, I have faith that everything will be ok. It won't be easy though...I know Hailey visits us all. <3
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