One of those days

My mouse,

Today wasn't a great day. At work I got a call from a dad making an appointment for 2 of his kids- one of them being his 10 year old daughter named Hayley (different spelling). She was feeling sick- similar to flu symptoms. I got the call right before Daddy left for work. Maybe it was seeing his face after the call that made me want to break down in tears even more.

I didn't though. I managed to get through the rest of my shift, but have been feeling down ever since.

This flu season has been horrendous and we've been getting slammed with nothing but flu patients. I answer these calls daily- hundreds of calls. The same symptoms are repeated to me over & over- vomiting, headaches, sore throat...trouble breathing...

With each call I have to force away the flashbacks of those last 2 days of you being sick. :( I don't know how I've been able to do it up to this point. But I don't know if I can do it much more.
...

I've been hearing your name more often these last few months too it seems. Your name is more popular. When you were born I didn't know of any Hailey's, but found your name in a baby book.

In the beginning, it was a piercing reminder.

Then slowly, hearing your name made me smile. Almost as if you were sending a sign, waving hello.

But hearing your name along with those sick calls- it becomes a piercing reminder once again...

It reminds me of my first anxiety attack I got at work- triggered by a mom who called to schedule an appointment for her daughter...

It was scary & horrible & I don't ever want to be there again.
...

It's just hard baby girl.

Three years later, it's not any easier. Another flu season, it doesn't get any easier.

There's also the fact that I really want to tell parents to get their kids tested for type 1 diabetes. Inside, I'm screaming it out loud! But in reality, I can't. I'm not allowed. I'd lose my job.

They have our own protocols, but testing for Type One is not one of them. How I would love to turn this around, but I don't know how.

The health industry is a big monstrous giant ruled by an even bigger giant. Where does one little peon start? I've tried all I know. Many advocates I've come across have tried & done what they can. But it's one of the many many problems with the industry right now. It's frustrating. It's maddening. It's an ongoing battle.
...

I have come to a point where I really have to think of my future with this company. I've started looking just to see what's around. I'd hate to lose my seniority & all these great perks & benefits. But I don't see it getting better. I don't know baby girl...

I just know that I want it to be like this- all the time:

<3

...

Tomorrow I'm going out with my friends for a late bday dinner celebration. I know that will make me feel better.

And as always, I will wait for you or God to send me a sign- for guidance. I will look for it. Then I'll know what to do. <3

Until then, I hope to see you in my dreams.

I love & miss you.

My sweet Hailey.

Always & forever,
Your mommy