A dream

My Dear Hailey,

The day of Papi's party, I heard him say, "I feel like I'm having a dream. And I don't want to wake up."

It made us happy to see him happy & hear him say those words. Even with some minor snags along the way, everything worked out. I guess we just have to have more faith sometimes, that in the end, things will work out as they should.
...

As I'm sure you know, it turned out that Uncle Mikey was able to come with Auntie Zuli & the boys. That was the best part of all- the best gift for Papi & the rest of us too. His face & reaction was priceless. It was worth it all. It was the best surprise, the surprise of all surprises. :)

He was definitely shocked at first, but once he saw Mikey it turned into happiness. I wonder sometimes, if Uncle Mikey realizes how much he's missed. I don't think he does. I don't think we get a chance to tell him often enough. Which makes moments like these more special.

As I was looking around the room, I noticed how much everything changes baby girl. All the kids keep growing- all the boys especially are so tall! The older "kids" not so much kids anymore. The new additions, Mia & Julian. <3 The older family members, my grandma, uncles & aunts & Papi- getting older too.

I captured the moment in my mind & absorbed it in for that moment; like a photograph. All of us there, celebrating, laughing, eating, having a good time. For a brief moment, all the old worries & grudges forgotten.

It was nice to have everyone together. I couldn't help but think- absorb the moment, because who knows what changes will come. "They" say nothing lasts forever. We've learned that lesson first-hand. But instead of worrying about the future- I've learned to live in the present.

I did baby girl. For that day at least, I tried not to think beyond that moment. A special day, with our family, celebrating a very special person. That's all I wanted, at least for that one day.
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Your sisters made a comment to me earlier when we picked up the food for the party- something to the effect of "Wow Mommy I can't believe you're doing all this & spending all this for the party."....

I had to tell them that it's not about that for me. That for one, I'm blessed to be in the position where I'm able to. But that for my dad, I would much more.

As we were waiting for them to check us out, I told them how much Papi sacrificed for us. How he used to work up to 3 jobs at once, just to put food on the table. How he'd come home late & tired, with his feet swollen from standing so many hours....

How sometimes we'd massage his feet for him. How we would stay up to see him even for at least 5 minutes each night before bed, how even being as tired as he was, he'd stop by 7-11 on the way home & bring us candy bars...

So many memories my mouse. I could on. Most of my life, he's the one that's always been there. It's not that we had the perfect life or that he was perfect, because none of us are....but he's just a great Dad; a great person; just like he was a great grandpa to you & the girls...<3

I've learned since you passed, that we only have one life. And it's now, while we are still here living in this world...before we go to the next...that we have to let our loved ones know how much we love them.

Not after, when it's too late.
...

So that's pretty much it baby girl.

Our mission accomplished; at least for one day.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. With our extended family, there are still things that need to be worked out. Things that are broken that need to be repaired, I'm not too sure if that's even possible. Maybe the damage has been done & there's no going back. I don't know.

But I'm glad that at least for that day, we were able to put everything aside. For my dad at least. I think that made him happy too. It was worth it to make him smile.

Because we don't know what will happen tomorrow...
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I don't know why but I've been feeling uneasy lately, like a premonition of something bad to come. I'm trying to ignore it & focus more on the positive, because I believe there's such things as attracting negative energy...

But I've been unable to shake it off.

I hope I'm wrong. Maybe it's knowing that your anniversary is coming...I don't know my angel.

But I will pray.

I won't worry. I will try & remember this great weekend...
...

I love & miss you with all my heart.

We all do.

We got a chance to visit you at the gardens with Uncle Mikey & fam. They asked to see you before they left...

Dylan mentioned how he found a purple bracelet on the way to church. How he never takes yours off- the "In Memory of Hailey" one. How he's been trying to collect more purple bracelets. <3

Auntie Zuli sat down & placed baby Julian on her lap & then Joshua. Joshua kept saying, "I miss her." <3

We all agreed that if you had been here, you wouldn't of let us hold the baby. That you are probably up there choosing all the babies for everyone. :)

Uncle Mikey said. "I can't believe it's almost been 3 years." & I could see the sadness in his eyes. All I could say...is "I can't believe it either."

Like Papi said baby girl- sometimes it feels like a dream.

Sometimes a nightmare. I think that's life in a nutshell. Sometimes it's so good you don't want to wake up. Sometimes it's so bad, you wish you could wake up & have it be just that- a dream.

Maybe regardless, it's all just one big dream anyway. Maybe when we really wake up, we'll all be where you are now...

We'll all be together. And that's when our real life will start...a better one.

That's the best dream of all.

Speaking of dreams, it's been a while since I saw you in mine. I miss your hugs.

If you get a chance..

I love you my angel,
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

<3