It doesn't get better

My sweet mouse,

Today was the start of a tough week. Tough is not even the word to describe it...

Immediately I felt it in my heart when I woke up. Monday. Was it this Monday 3 years ago? Or will it be next?

Immediately I felt my spirit overshadowed- covered by a blanket of sadness. And I don't have the power to lift it. I couldn't & I already knew it. I didn't even attempt to. That is what I've learned with grief. There is no way to stop it, even if you want to.
...

My only saving grace is that Daddy & your sisters were home too. It's teacher work-day for your sisters & Daddy had the morning off. We had a nice breakfast & Daddy & I hugged each other crying in each other's arms. We lit a candle for you & said a little prayer before we ate.

We asked God to help us & give us strength to get us through this. To take care of you until we see you again....

It's so hard baby girl.

We miss you so much. It's still so hard to believe...
...

We'll be going to the beach for your angelversary. I reserved a room for just a day. We wanted to wake up Friday morning & watch the sunrise on the beach. Sissy & I especially- agreed that we feel closest to you there my angel.

I feel bad, because the last 2 years, Grandma & the rest of the family have spent that day with us. They've driven down, went to mass, went to your place in the gardens, released balloons & then went to Ihop for breakfast...

I love having them down here. I appreciate them coming down, to be with us on such a hard day. For support. The fact that they remember, that they take the time to be here. It means more than I can say.

There are no complaints. Except that I've found that this day- this very day of your angelversary, I cannot wear a mask. Any other day, I can pull off a smile. I can act like my heart isn't breaking & fool everyone. But on this day, my heart shatters all over again- again & again. And I can't pretend.

The first year, I locked myself in my room for over an hour & just balled. I had to call my mom on the phone & I just cried & cried....meanwhile Daddy's family was down here waiting to eat lunch.

Last year, I had to walk out of mass because I could not hold in the tears & I just lost it outside. Cecilia was there to hug & hold me. But I was sorry I disrupted the service. I was sorry to cause a scene. I know everyone felt sorry for me & didn't know what to say or do. So they just stared. It was pitiful & awkward.

But how could I help it?

Even when I tried to hold it in, I couldn't. Even as I tried to hear the priest's words...I couldn't. Nothing could sooth me. Nothing. I just needed to cry. I just needed to let it out. I just needed to be alone.

Not completely alone, baby girl. But I needed to be somewhere with just Daddy & your sisters & mourn in peace, or silence, or scream or cry if we needed to. Where I don't need to pretend to be strong...
...

I know Grandma & family are big on traditions. I know they planned on coming down this year too. But I knew this year had to be different.

I told Daddy far enough in advance to let them know, that this year we wanted to try something different. I know they understand, but I still feel bad.

I know them coming down here to be with us, is not only for us- but for them too. :(

I know Daddy & Bella would go along with anything, as long as we're together. They would be ok with continuing the tradition we started, with mass, balloons & breakfast. But my heart was really telling me to go to the beach.

Sigh...

Oh baby girl. This is the most painful journey. It doesn't get better, it just changes. I've learned we will never figure it out, because it changes with time. But better- it will never get. :(

I pray. I pray so hard. I pray for anything that will make it better.

I hope the beach will help this year.

While I know we can't "runaway" from grief...it's not the reason. We just always feel closer to you there. <3

The only thing that would make it better is to have you back...

I love you my little girl.

Forever & ever- for all eternity.
Your mommy <3<3


 P.S. I forgot to show you:

I ordered these to pass out with the flyers. <3