raok4hailey

Baby girl,

Today was a good day.

I had the day off & tried to make the best of it. Bella & I got up early as planned to do our random act of kindness:

It was pretty awesome honey.

The girl we bought coffee for was so thankful & excited. She said "I've never had this happen to me before!" She kept saying thank you over & over. She was reading your flier too while she was waiting for her coffee. She was young, pretty & dressed nice for work, with a cute outfit, hair done & make up & so sweet. Me & Bella both said we couldn't of picked anyone better, that you would of loved her. She was a "girly girl", like you. <3<3
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Just as the pic says above, it was emotional too. Once at your school, we didn't expect to catch your teachers all in a staff meeting, what are the chances? Everyone said we picked the perfect day.

We didn't expect to see all of them, specially in one room together & they didn't expect to see us. That's what made it emotional. There were tears, specially from Mrs. S. I think she was trying to hold them in & tried to avoid eye contact with me too much. But I saw them anyway & it made me tear up too & then Bella...

I'm so glad we went. As Bella said, "it was so worth it Mommy." After we left, I mentioned I was sorry we didn't take any pictures, then she said "it's ok Mommy, I'm never going to forget this." <3
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She also said how proud she is of me. Your sweet sister. I told her how proud I am of her....

We both agreed how good it felt to do something nice for others. How much closer to you we felt. It's true baby girl.

How easy it would be to be angry. To be sad. Not the sad we feel everyday, but that sad- the other sad that tears us to pieces, that sinks us into the darkness...that sad that leaves us with nothing else to live for. The sad that we try to avoid as much as we can....

How easy it would be.
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But that's not where I want to be. Because I feel so much farther away from you...so much more out of reach that I can't stand it.

Maybe it's because I'm closer to God too.

Michelle's mom mentioned that yesterday- that ever since her daughter lost her life to suicide, she feels closer to God. She got there a lot quicker than me, lucky for her.

It feels like I'm just discovering it.

But I'm thankful that this road has lead me there. Closer to Him and to you. To the universe.

I thought about that as I was soaking up some sun, outside grilling dinner.

Feeling the warmth, the breeze, the sound of birds & silence...

I thought about how these acts of kindness don't only benefit the receiver....it benefits us too, the givers.

It helps to fill in some of that void. Maybe that is the point of everything. Life, us, God. Maybe that is the lesson to be learned...

That shitty things happen. That life can be cruel & horrific & there is no rhyme or reason, that it isn't anyone's doing. But we as humans can be there for each other. After all, that's what makes us human. ...

I don't know my mouse.

I will spend the rest of my life, like others, trying to figure it out.

But today, there was a gift of joy & then silence. And the gift of you.

I love you my beautiful girl.

I have to be in the office in the morning, so I have to get up extra early.

I just wanted to share this with you before bed.

I miss you everyday. But today, I felt a little closer to you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

Your favorite kind of tree- finally bloomed.