Invite the good

My little girl,

When I think of this past weekend, I think of this quote that came to me soon after I wrote your last letter:

There is so much truth in it.

With all the struggle & hardship that comes in our lives, we should not only welcome the good- we should invite it in. Because we so badly need it.

Specially in grief.

Even if only in moments & spurts. And let yourself revel in it, for as long as you can.
...

I kept this in mind this weekend as we were cheering Uncle Danny on the sidelines, while he was running his 26 miles of the Marine Corp Marathon.

As we were watching all the runners from different ages, backgrounds & races, so much inspiration & admiration filled my heart.

In the beginning, they had the disabled participants racing with hand cycles & it was so uplifting to watch baby girl. They were ex wounded vets, disabled children, being pushed by other runners...

It made me realize the will of the human spirit & how amazing it can be, if only we let it. If we just try & go for it, work towards a goal & aim to achieve something.

I thought of how easy it would be for them to give up & sink into that black hole, yet they do the exact opposite & fly.

Disabled participants

I thought to myself as I was standing there, that if they can overcome such hardship & still soar, maybe we can too. And it would be worth it. Even if for that short moment, for that one day we can really feel alive again, closer to God, closer to the Universe.
...

The whole event was really positive & inspirational my angel, from the people, to the marines, the planning of the event, but nothing filled my heart more than when I first saw him with his Hailey's Angels shirt. <3

It was at the 10 mile mark, shown above. We waited for him with our signs & were cheering him on loud & clear.

I ordered the shirt for him online but didn't see it until that moment & it filled my heart instantly.

We were waiting for him there with some Advil & water. :)

My Angel. Hailey's Angels <3

...

These are the shirts we wore. <3

<3

Missing Jaylen :(

Uncle Danny said that some people were cheering him on yelling, "Go Hailey's Angels!" and every time he needed a push, he gently patted his chest & was able to go on. <3

He finished it baby girl, which was awesome because he had been having problems with his feet & legs weeks before. It got really bad to where we didn't know if he was going to go through with it. But he did it. :)

We did a lot of walking, it was cold & we were tired towards the end- but it was all worth it.

We thanked him more than once for letting us be a part of it, for doing it in your honor, for lifting us up.

His response:

It wasn't just me. He patted his chest, his shirt with your face & said:

"It was us." <3
...

We love you so much baby girl.

I know you know, but every time we get a chance to show you, I picture your big beautiful smile & it brings so much happiness.

And tears.

We miss you my mouse.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

<3

~

Weird Fall Days

Babygirl,

This weekend went by fast as usual. We’ve been trying to enjoy the little bit of Fall we can. The weather’s been weird this year, with it going from hot to rain to cold, with little true Fall days in between.

One thing I noticed is that the trees haven’t fully turned colors yet, which is weird too. I thought I was the only one to notice but then I saw an article about it online. Apparently it’s the whole Mid-Atlantic states that’s been affected, with the warmer weather creating a delay in the turning of the leaves.

I don’t like it. Feels wrong. Cold weather with still-green trees. Feels like we’ve been jipped.

But in between we’re still trying to enjoy. The neighborhood HOA held a mini Fall festival last weekend, complete with hayrides, pumpkin patches, apple cider & games. Then Friday they created a hunted house at the HOA office, which was better then I expected. Both times we took Daniella & Natalia so your sister could have company other than me & they had fun.

Then yesterday we went to Haymarket Day. We saw Abby. It’s been so long. <3

I don’t think it’s ever going to change, that feeling I get every time we run into one of your friends. It makes my heart happy but tugs at it at the same time. She gave me a big hug & as she stood in front of me, so much taller than the last time, smiling...I couldn’t help but wonder how much taller you’d be now too.

I couldn’t help but remember your last time there, you & Bella having your faces painted-both butterflies. Hers blue & yours purple.

Now your sister is too old for face painting. When I asked, she shook her head with no interest.

I guess that’s life babygirl.

Things change. What can do but accept & adapt?
...

This week will go by fast too I’m sure. Next weekend is the marine corps marathon & uncle Danny is flying in Friday. Uncle Chris & fam are driving up the same day & staying the weekend. Daddy took off too so we could go cheer him on. Hoping for good weather but either way I think it’ll be fun.

I want to share his text Daddy & I got because it meant so much & I don’t think he’ll mind:

That's how I feel when I think of you my sweet girl.

It feels like my heart my burst from all the love. <3
...

We will be there cheering him on, wearing our Hailey's Angels shirts, knowing you will be right there by our side.

I love you my mouse. I miss you with all my might.

Forever & ever,
One day closer to you...

Your mommy <3



~

Retreating

My mouse,

It's been so long.

I'm sorry I don't write as much as I used to. I know that you can still hear me, listen to me, my heart, my thoughts...

Every morning & every night that I say goodnight. Every visit to the gardens...

Your new black cat Halloween beanie boo & pumpkins
that your sister & the kids decorated. <3

...

But my head has been in the clouds lately. Somewhat withdrawn.

I still go about everyday life, working, cooking, cleaning, your sisters, Daddy, Rocky...with events & happenings, everyday life that from the outside seem normal.

But inside, within me, something is always missing. You.
...

Where I used to face grief everyday in the face, it feels like I've been doing the opposite lately. Trying to avoid it.

Writing about it, talking about it, all my awareness activity, even talking to my grief groups- all forced me to face grief everyday.

But lately, I've been in front of the TV during my spare time, on Netflix, binge watching shows...may seem harmless. At least I’m not drinking or worse I know. Like in the beginning, having my head in a book or watching movie after movie helped me distract my mind a little. It also did help face my grief because they were almost always grief related.

But this is different. I’ve been procrastinating & putting things off, basically not caring. Not to the point of any real harm babygirl, just going through another moment. Or a series of moments.

I still get up every morning. I still go to work. I still manage to cross of things on my to-do list. But it’s the little things, that add up to a big thing. And also the big things...

My mom. The overwhelming feeling of responsibility towards her. Maybe it’s feeling that stress that’s caused me to retreat lately, to hide from life. Maybe if I’m quiet enough, if I stay hidden in the darkness, life will forget about me & leave me alone.
...

In between there is joy, I can’t deny. But it’s always tarnished.

Sissy went to her homecoming this past weekend. She looked so beautiful my mouse. But even as she was getting ready with her friends, my thoughts were with you, knowing that if you were here, you’d be right there by her side, learning all about hair & make-up.

Scrolling through pictures on Instagram, seeing your friends posing in their cute dresses, it reminded me that your homecoming would of been the same time. That you would probably be posing in those same pictures, if you were here.

If only you were here.
...

So I shut my phone off. I retreat. I put on a movie or a show and shut my mind off. Again & again. Hours gone by. Hours turning into days.

Maybe I need to find a new hobby. Maybe go to the gym & workout instead. You know me baby girl, I've never been one to be able to relax, just sit & watch TV & do nothing. My whole life, specially as a working mom has always been on the go- never relaxing, never resting, multi- tasking...maybe why this feels extra foreign to me- almost bad.

Maybe I shouldn't worry or complain baby girl. I almost feel as though this is a secret blessing God has given me for the time being- this little time to allow myself to "retreat", so I can gather strength that I'll need soon. For the holidays & my mom.

I know that I will need it.
...

I love & miss you my sweet girl. Everyday, every moment.

I know that you must be busy too in Heaven, doing angel's work. <3

I'm so proud of you.

Love always,
Mommy

~

Reflections

My little girl,

It's October.

Time again for pumpkins & Halloween. Bella is still trying to decide whether or not to go trick-or-treating this year. She wants to, but doesn't want to be embarrassed by other kids or adults who might think "she's too old."

I told her she shouldn't care what people think.

I hope she goes. I told her she still has Papi's kids as an excuse. She can go with them.

At least one more year. It's sad to think that this year all my kids are too grown to go trick-or-treating. Like an end of an era.

Your momma is just sentimental I guess.
...

I've been getting a taste of what it's going to be like in the future, when it's just Daddy & I. I guess that's another reason I'm sensitive over this.

These last few weeks, Bella's been invited by her best friend to the movies, dinner, cup cake baking class- even a weekend at the Pocono's! But she didn't go to that. One; I wouldn't feel comfortable. Two; she had a dance class she didn't want to miss.

Of course Sissy's out with her friends too. With her own car & money- there's no stopping her. Which I don't want to anyway.

I want for your sisters to have fun & not always have their heads in the books. They work hard during the week with studying & homework. They don't get into trouble. They're good girls.
...

But like this past weekend, I found myself alone Friday night when both of them were out. It felt strange. Not necessarily bad...just out of place.

So many years now- almost 18 years, I've been a mom. Dedicating my everything to you girls. Even though I go out once in a while, I don't think it's as much as some parents.

My life has always been revolved around you girls. You were always first.

This hasn't been easy of course. Many days I can remember feeling completely overwhelmed, overly exhausted, yearning for a day off. A "me" day, as I would call it. A day to myself, where I can do as I please without having to answer to anyone. I used to so look forward to those days. They were few & far in between. Usually I'd have to do something drastic like call in sick from work, while you girls where at daycare or school....it was the only way.

Oh my mouse, what I would do to have those days back, especially to be with you again.
...

I can accept the fact that your sisters are growing up.

I guess part of the emptiness I feel, has to do with knowing you should be growing up with them.

It's something that I have to live with now. It's always on the back of my mind. Wondering who'd be hanging out with. How many boys I'd have to shoot by now. :/

Oh baby girl.

So it was just Rocky & I this past Friday night.

I told myself to soak in the silence, which surprisingly does much good to my soul. Daddy was at work, but I made us a steak dinner that he had when he got home. Meanwhile, I walked Rocky & looked up at the night stars as I normally do. Put my Netflix movie on (another British drama period series, I've been on a roll now), & just relaxed after a long week.

I recalled how many years ago I would of loved a "me" evening like that...& then I tried to pretend it was that it was.
...

Who knows what the future will bring. I thought to myself, one night was ok. But would I be able to handle many evenings alone? Waiting for Daddy to come home from work? Could I use that time for writing like I always wished? Maybe go back to school? Would I go out with friends? Or family? More "girls nights out?" or would I be that old lady to join a gardening or book club?

Who knows maybe Daddy would retire first & he'd be waiting on me to get home from work. Maybe I'd be home with grandkids....

Better not get too far ahead of myself my mouse.

I rather not think too far ahead. Still one day at a time...

I think though, if I know myself better...that I'd have to occupy myself with something worthwhile. While silence can be peaceful most times...I think too much of it would be deafening.

Just like Papi always says, too much of anything is not good for you.
...

I love & miss you my angel.

So much.

Yesterday we enjoyed a much needed day out hiking with Auntie, Dylan & Uncle Chris. Tyler stayed home.

It finally stopped raining & we decided to go out & take advantage of the beautiful weather. So glad we did baby girl. Nature always makes me feel closer to you. And we went to Harper's Ferry- a place you've been to before. The place we went with the family years ago & also spent a beautiful day at.

Bella was a little sad wishing you were there. Dylan was excited to hide your kindness rocks. His enthusiasm rubbed off on me, even though I was sad for your sister too...

I tried to remind her to be thankful for the memories we had there. I told her how I always love to go to places you've been, that your beautiful soul has experienced & touched. Even though it makes me sad too.

It's not easy my mouse. It's a journey of learning as we go. But we have to keep going no matter what. We can't stop.
...

When we got home, I saw this on your Hailey page on FB:



The couple who found your rocks posted them on
your page. :)

<3

...

We love & miss you my mouse.

We think of you always. Every single day.

Everywhere we go, everything we do. You are always with us.

Everything beautiful reminds us of you. <3

We'll be decorating for Halloween soon, you're favorite holiday next to Christmas. It'll be our first one here at the new house.

I love you my little girl.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

<3