~

There’s not only beauty but hope
In the infinite skies
That you are out there
And I will see you again

Every day and every night
I look up far in the distance
My heart & my soul
They will never stop searching
Never stop yearning
Never stop wondering
Never stop loving

My darling daughter
             💜

Fourth

My little girl,

Days are flying by.

Sissy's birthday & now Turkey day have passed & gone. Some of our neighbors have had their Christmas trees up since right after Halloween. It seems that while some of us are wanting to slow down time...others are eager to fast forward.

On the other hand, Bella has been playing Christmas music since July. :)

Your sisters are eager for Christmas & their spirit rubs off on me. But one thing at a time, one day a time.
...

Bella made a half chocolate, half coconut icing cake for Sissy & the family came over to sing Happy Birthday to her. Then the next day, yesterday they came over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Our first in our new home. Our fourth without you.

It's still so hard to believe baby girl.

Those were my thoughts on the way to see you at the gardens yesterday morning. Our fourth without you...

How?

Each year I miss you more. Each day, each hour, each minute....further away from your hugs, your laugh, your smile.

Yet I feel you close to me. I keep you so close.

So close that your face was the first thing I saw yesterday morning, waking from a dream. I had a vision of you as a baby, wearing a long sleeve purple shirt, jeans...

Your hair was in pigtails & your curls were sticking out from underneath. You were sitting on a counter, facing away, then you turned your head to look at me, smiling from ear to ear. So cute baby girl, just like when you were little, chubby cheeks & all. It was so real...

How I wanted to pick you up & hug you tight.

Always with me, always in my heart. <3
...

It was nice having the family over baby girl.

It feels like it's been so long since I've seen them. Of course we were missing Uncle Mikey & family, but other than that it was just us. Papi & the kids, Auntie & the boys. And it was nice.

I was so thankful to have them here, close.

I pray so much for our healing, their healing, their health & happiness. I worry so much about all of them- my sis, my bro, my dad & mom.

I'm thankful but I worry.
...

This year is coming to an end so quickly my mouse.

Another year.

I miss you & love you so much.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy  <3

Memory

You were so happy to get these glasses. You were never the kid who was embarrassed wearing glasses or braces. You would treat them like new accessories & would love to choose different colors & show them off. My fashion mouse. <3

~

~

y 

~

Little glimpse of the rainbow 

Rainbow at Lake Washington 

Heart shaped tree <3

Seattle

Babygirl,

I was hoping to share some pictures with you of our trip, but for some reason it’s taking a long time to download...

But I know you don’t need to see them, because you were close.

For Sissy’s 18th birthday coming up, we gave her a choice of having a big bash with friends & family or go on her graduation trip now instead of next summer. So she picked a trip to Seattle. :)

At first, it was just going to be me & her, but at the end I was able to get a good deal for the 4 of us, going a couple weeks ahead of Thanksgiving & we were able to get the time off, the girls only missed a day of school, so it all worked out.

With the holidays approaching, I thought it would nice if we could all go away somewhere too. That was our wish last year, but it didn’t happen. We’ve been fortunate with Daddy’s job & who knows what next year will bring, so we decided to go for it.

This was our last hurrah for a while. I hate to sound negative or attract bad energy but I can’t shake this pending feeling of doom, like I’m waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

But I forced myself to try & erase all that from my mind & for Sissy’s sake, to enjoy the trip & our time together.

It was really cool babygirl. We got to see mostly the city & not much else, for just the weekend that we were there, but we jam packed it with as much things possible.
...

You have to know how much we missed you.

How often we talked about you. How it’s still so hard to plan, pack & get on a plane & not think of you...

Then there was the first rainbow we saw from the sky, directly outside the window from our airplane. Then our first night there, while having dinner, us sitting there reminiscing of the past, talking about you, laughing while remembering your sassiness, craziness & your sense of humor. When all of a sudden your song comes on in the restaurant: Over the rainbow. The very same version from your service. We all had our mouths open! And my tears just started to fall.

Sissy smiled. She said, “It’s mouse. She’s letting us know she’s here, she’s here for my birthday.” <3
...

The timing couldn’t of been better my angel.

It’s as if you were reminding us that it was ok to have been there-the trip, the whole thing. That not only was it ok, but that you were there with us.

It made it all extra special after that.
...

Our last day there was another rainbow by a lake we drove to; Lake Washington. There I saw a heart shaped tree too & I could feel you all around me. I took a walk around the lake by myself & just soaked it all in babygirl. I needed that moment alone, to feel close to you.

Those are some of the moments from the trip that I don’t want to forget. Of course there was the museums, the Space Needle, Pike Place, Jimi Hendrix’s grave!, the food...

But these little moments too, my girl, I’m always searching for you..

No matter where life takes us. I’m always searching for you, then I get or see a sign that reminds me, I never have to search far.  Because you’re here, with me. With every breath. Every beat of my heart.

Always. Always & forever.

Your mommy