My mouse,
When I said this year came in roaring like a lion, I wasn't kidding. Part of me was thinking of my mom when I said it. I knew that after trying to get through Louis' passing, we'd have to cope with her situation next & now that time has come.
I don't even know where to start baby girl.
To even try & figure out when or how it even started....would be to go all the way back to her childhood. Her whole life would have to be dissected. It's much too much to put simply in a letter.
I know that when you girls were little, I tried to explain it to you a few times, the best I could. I had to. How many times did you watch me on the phone with her, with tears streaming down my face? Or full on crying after a conversation with her? So many times. So many years...
Even before our last trip.
And now it's worse because of what happened. Because my grandfather has passed away. Because they are officially selling his house & my mom will have no where to go. Because they are giving her just a couple of weeks, to find a new place.
It's all so very complicated & painful baby girl.
...
Everything makes it complicated & painful.
Her state of mind & circumstances. Our state of mind & circumstances...
She doesn't want to live here, we can't live there.
Even the thought of ever visiting again...
At first the idea of ever traveling back to Bolivia was inconceivable to me. I vowed to never go back. Just the thought brought back all the trauma of losing you & it's too much. The anxiety, the panic attacks, reliving those final days, the final moments. The PTSD....too much.
It's all too much.
But now almost four years later, I realize what that would mean. To never see my mom again either. After seeing her only twice in the last 18 years, I would never ever see her again. Even in the case of an emergency, where she would desperately need our help.
And now is one of those times, where she desperately needs our help. And her family has deemed me responsible for her care.
No matter how gut wrenching & unbelievably impossible the thought may be, to ever go back there again....
It's just as hard to turn my back on my mom, my angel.
...
So that's where we are today.
Grandma has to be out of the house in a couple of weeks. I've been asked to fly down there to help her find a place & help her move. Her family doesn't want to deal with her anymore. Auntie & Uncle Mikey's situation makes it harder for them to fly down there at the drop of a hat.
While mine is a little easier, because your sisters are a little older & Kayla drives & Daddy would be here to help...& I will hopefully be able to get a little time off if I explain my situation at work...
My biggest impediment is an emotional one. But big enough to either brake me or make me stronger. I don't know which baby girl & I'm scared to find out.
...
So once again I find myself praying to the same God I prayed to, when I asked to save your life.
If he has chosen me for this task, I pray he gives me the magnitude of strength, courage & guidance I will need to complete it. I don't think it's very much to ask, do you baby girl? I think he owes me that much.
I think he owes my mom too.
Whatever wrongs she has made in her lifetime, she has paid for them 10 times over & is still... :(
...
So I will have faith my mouse. Because what other choice do I have?
Bella & I went to see you at the gardens today because we wanted to say hello & feel your love. There, she gave me the biggest hug & I felt your strength in it too. She said, "Mommy, if you want I can go to Bolivia with you. I don't want you to be alone. You're always taking care of us, it's time someone took care of you."
Can you believe your sister said those words to me? But then I do believe it because I felt your presence there & in those words, coming from her sweet voice, I heard your voice too.
I just started bawling. I told her how much it meant for me to hear her say that. I will never forget it.
It made me remember that all things can be conquered with love my angel.
I will have to make sure I engrave that in my mind.
I will have to keep it as my weapon, to keep fighting all the fucked up things that happen in this life.
...
Love, our true family & you.
That is what we have & it's better than most have. For that, I am thankful.
I love you & miss you my mouse.
One of these days I will have a happier letter to write.
Until then, I hope to see you in my dreams.
Love,
Mommy
Babe, I am so sorry. I prayed too. I prayed that you never had to go back and that I would take your place. I had made so many plans. Life had other plans for me. I knew that this time, the decisions that were made beyond my control would affect us even more. This has brought a lot of emotional wear and tear.
ReplyDeleteI prayed that the sacrifice would not go unnoticed. Working 2 jobs is not new, but, my reasons and motivation always included more reasons than myself. People in my life that hold great faith, remind me that god doesn’t abandon. I am reminded to pray that what is in gods will is fair and will also bring peace and light to the ones I love more than anything in this world.
Through the years, I would ask Mom to think about the future. To continue to invest in it, because it was better to work towards something rather than nothing at all. She would laugh at me, probably thinking how silly I sounded. It was all to help her, to avoid this fate. I know she would much rather other people to figure things out. That she is dependent and continues to believe that Dad is her knight in shining armor and will take care of her for the rest of the days.
I prayed for forgiveness and love prevailed. Even to the point where I have been researching to obtain my TEFL cert. and teach abroad. I have had fantasies of selling our house, obtaining our equity and buying something over there out right. That way, Mom wouldn’t have to worry. She would have people to lean on. But then, my mind trails back to the insults and pain. My mind trails back to the nightmares of living with a person you have no idea who she can be or change into at the flip of a switch.
As I told you in our conversation before, sometimes I feel as though my wishes and dreams are naive. That mom will never be ‘that mom’, she will always need treatment for her illness and will live in strife through the rest of her days. That even in this temporary fix, she will need support the rest of her life.
I am praying too. That we don’t find pain and obstacles, but, we can help her with love and guidance. That she allows us to help. That she believes in making decisions that will not only help her, but, help sustain her. I pray that when she is living alone, that she takes care of herself. I worry. I worry so much. I worry about the days, weeks, months, years that will follow this transition. I pray that with time and healing, at least some of her sisters will come and see her.
I am praying that gods will includes peace and happiness. I am praying that god relieves us of pain and worry and that supports us in making good decisions that will help her. I pray that we do not lose ourselves in this process. I pray that our families are not affected by the next steps and the decisions that are made. I pray that god gives us strength too. I pray that god pulls us all closer together more than ever. I am praying so hard. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I pray for all those things too babe. I struggle with faith but the other choice is to have none and that would mean no chance for hope. Without hope we can’t go on. I know we will get through this. This whole thing has rehashed so many painful things from our past, which continues to haunt us. It sucks that mom is the reason. Love you sis. I know we will get through this just as we have done before. 💜
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