Baby girl,

I miss you.

That’s how grief works. I can have a good day, even a great one. But somewhere along the line, doesn’t have to be an exact time...everything just disappears & I find myself alone in a vast empty space with just my thoughts & feelings.

I see your precious face, your smile & the yearning comes from deep within my soul. Then sadness sweeps over any joy until there’s none left anywhere.
...

Life goes on babygirl. I know we should look at it as a blessing, specially with all the good things coming up, but it still feels all wrong without you.

Tomorrow Bella is being inducted to the National Junior Honor Society. She was so very excited when we got the letter saying she was chosen to apply & then ten times more when we got another one saying she was chosen. It’s a big accomplishment. She’s worked so hard to keep her straight A’s & the occasional B throughout the year. It’s a big deal for her, for us...Daddy has to work & Sissy’s going to a show with her friends, so I’m taking Daniela & Natalia to the ceremony. But you should be here too.

Sissy’s graduation is next week. Grandma & Pop Pop are driving down, Papi & the kids, hopefully Auntie & my friends Cecilia & Christina will be there too. But you too should be here... :(

You should of been here Memorial weekend when the pool opened & Bella wanted to go with someone (other than me) so bad. Her friends went out of town & one was sick. She was bummed out so I babysat Valeria & Ricky so she could go with the girls & thankfully we got to see Auntie & Dylan the next day & hung out with them at the pool too.
...

Life goes on babygirl. But in between these fun times & great moments, it’s always there. We miss you & wish you were here.

Those words, “she should be here” won’t stop beating inside my head. :(

My beautiful girl.

I have to keep reminding myself that you are here in your own way. That you will be there in the light  as Bella & Sissy’s names are called. That you will be there in midst of the clapping & cheering. You will be smiling a radiant smile & when we feel those goosebumps & the soft chill in the air, we’ll feel your loving embrace. <3

I have to remind myself constantly babygirl or I can’t go on.

I have to remember to be proud & happy for your sisters’ accomplishments, that despite everything they’ve been through they still came out winning at the end. Of course I am elated, but it’s the grief I struggle with babygirl. Everyday. The darkness in the background, always threatening to swallow me whole.

I fight daily. You know your mommy’s a fighter but there are just times...

But I’m going to remember my angel. All the good things. I’m going to keep fighting. I’m going to keep encouraging your sisters to keep fighting. After all, look it does pay off.

Love wins.

And I love you with all my heart.

For all eternity,
Your mommy

From the book: Once More We Saw Stars by Jayson Green

Just started this book...

Very similar. This was us almost in the exact situation thinking these exact thoughts.

Like someone punched me in the gut. Tears

Prom

Dear Hailey,

Sissy just told me that prom day, she was in her room thinking of you, standing right underneath your picture on her wall & all of a sudden the lights flickered. She first thought it was the bulb going out but when she checked it was still shining bright, it flickered again & then it stopped. She then realized, smiled & thanked you for letting her know you were thinking of her on her special day. <3

That's always been your sign with her- the flickering lights. It's just been a while.
...

Prom day, we were all thinking of you baby girl. I knew you wouldn't want to miss it. I knew you'd be right there- watching Sissy getting ready with all her friends. I know you were probably there with us too, when we met all the parents at place they chose to take pics. It was so pretty there, the perfect spot.

All the girls looked so beautiful. I got to meet a couple of them for the first time, parents too. Then there was Katelyn who we've known for years now- since the girls were 10. And her sister, Kimi- your good friend. I couldn't believe how tall she got. Her hair almost down to her waist- so pretty. A young lady. I hugged her twice, a big one right before we left. I told her I love her & she said I love you too. It made me feel good- we both needed it.

Sissy told me that she had a really hard time right after you passed & even sometimes now. :( After she told me that, I remember hearing your voice telling me to reach out to her & I did send her a message through IG giving her your message. That you are always there watching over her. Just like Isabelle. <3
...

Time continues to go by in a flash babygirl. We prepared for Sissy’s prom, finding her dress, the getting it fitted because it was too long & a little too lose on the waist. Then the shoes & jewelry. I wish I could of helped her get ready but she had her friends to do that. It seems like the older she gets the less she needs me now.

Now we have to prepare for graduation. Her school & even her job has asked for baby pictures for projects they’re working on & I’m also going to need some for her party. I started working on that tonight, looking through old pics & it really did hit me- how the phrase `time flies’ is really not a cliche but a hard fact.

I saw a picture of her accepting her first “diploma” from pre-k & she was so little! And from that picture I was transported back in time. You were just a baby, chubby cheeks; wearing a little flowered dress with puffball pigtails. Had no idea what was going on yet. Your sister wearing a skirt & Hawaiian necklace (the theme of the ceremony). Grandmom, Pop Pop, Daddy were there too- we were living in Staten Island. Now almost 13 years later, they will be here watching her accept her high school diploma...but you won’t.

It’s always going to hurt. This grief is forever.

The wounds continue to reopen. There’s nothing we can do...

But just look for the signs. The butterflies, rainbows, dreams...the flickering of the lights. That lets us know you are not that far & that you DO know what’s going on. Our angel. <3

But we still continue to miss you & wonder.

We still continue to hang on to hope & love.

In between moments, we search for moments of you. Almost always, we find them.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy
                                Beautiful Sissy <3

~

Tribute

Mouse,

For you birthday, I wrote a tribute for you on Jesse Was Here website through Beyond Type One. I've been wanting to do this for a while, your birthday seemed the perfect time.

The purpose of the tributes are to highlight the lives of children/people lost to Type 1 Diabetes- to help families navigate through loss & grief....

I hope you like it baby girl. The format they use is very basic & plain, a little old fashioned. I wasn't able to write it up like I really wanted to, but it was still special, from the heart.

We love & miss you so much.

Mommy <3

https://jesse-was-here.org/tribute/vevans/

<3

"Our daughter Hailey was truly an angel on Earth & now in Heaven. She was our social butterfly; our mouse. A social butterfly because she would make friends wherever she went. It never failed. Nicknamed our ‘mouse’ because as a baby she’d squeak like a little mouse. Hailey was sweet & sassy, smart & outgoing, loving & affectionate, & so funny, with a smile that would light up the room. With that smile, she would convince us all of almost anything. She loved art, music, animals, mermaids, swimming, fashion & children but her biggest love of all was babies. The smaller the better. Surrounded by a family full of kids, Hailey always had a baby or toddler in tow. In her arms, on her hips or on her lap; her strength to hold & carry them, her love & patience was admired by all. We always thought she'd either be a teacher or have many kids when she grew up. Hailey is the middle of two sisters; Kayla, our oldest & Isabelle, our youngest. They had & will always have a tremendous bond because a love like that, never dies. We will always be thankful for the 10 years & 11 months Hailey was with us. To quote her grandmom, "At 10, she experienced more love than most do in a lifetime." She left us at 10 years old from a late diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes & DKA, while overseas on a family vacation, passing away just 24 hours after being diagnosed- just two weeks before her 11th birthday. We confused her symptoms with altitude sickness. Prior to the trip, she showed no extreme symptoms. We did notice she was thirstier than usual, but she had just joined a running club at school. She seemed to be going through a growth spurt as well, growing taller & thinner. But we had no idea, that in just a couple of weeks, our baby girl would be gone. It happened that fast. We have made a promise to Hailey to share our story in her honor & hopefully save lives, because more education & awareness is needed. Symptoms of Type 1 diabetes include: extreme thirst & frequent urination, weight loss, weakness or fatigue, vomiting, mood changes, etc. Knowing these symptoms may save a life. Hailey would would be turning 15 this May 5th, but instead she's forever 10. This legacy page is being written in her memory, not just as the girl who passed away from Type 1 diabetes, because she was so much more than that. She was a beautiful gift to us all that we will never forget. Happy birthday in heaven our angel."

~

From “An unfinished life” 

Quince

 

Birthday tattoo

Mouse,

Look what Sissy got for your birthday!

Before

While

After <3 

...

I hope you like it baby girl. It's you & her- both your spirit animals. :)

Your sister knows you will always be there, watching over her. All she has to do is look up & you'll be right there.

We love you Hailey.

~

Mouse,

These are from your anniversary, little things I want to remember. <3

I also got a text from Isabelle's mom & others too, but I didn't want to post in case she wasn't ok with it.

We love you.

Carly went to see you at the gardens too <3

From Bella