~

Last reflection

Babygirl,

The stars are showing bright tonight. Sometimes Rocky’s late night walks before bed are worth it- kind of like a last reflection for the day.

Tonight both Sissy & Bella are spending the night away- which hasn’t happened since they spent the week in Jersey a couple years ago. Now each going their separate ways; Sissy at the beach with her friends & Bella at Kings Dominion with hers.

Bella texted me on the way there to tell me that she was thinking of you & how 'Girls just wanna have fun’ (our theme song) came on. Later after Daddy & I visited you at the gardens & we were thinking of you, the same song came on the radio. :)

<3

Coincidence?

I hope not...
...

My last reflections of the day is how everything seems to come back full circle, babygirl.

I was telling daddy earlier how it all started with just me & him- becoming friends first, then falling in love, next having a beautiful family with our three beautiful girls & now, it’s back to just me & him again.

Weird how that works. Life is a trip.
...

Even though Bella still has ways to go, I see her becoming more independent faster than Sissy did or imagine that you ever could.

Even as I say that though, she is very dependent on friends, not liking to be alone. I know that has a lot to do with you being gone & Sissy always being busy too. It makes her miss you more. :(

So I’m lenient on her going out, spending the night or having sleepovers. It seems like she needs to stay busy, to be around others. I completely understand. But I also think there should be a balance. Like papi always says, “too much of anything is not good”.

There has to be balance in everything.
...

I worry she grows too too fast. I worry about so many things...

But that is me. Always mother first.
...

But today I tried not to be just mommy first & put my worries aside. Daddy had the day off so we had, not just date night with movie & munchies at home- but a whole ‘date day’, spending the day together just the two of us, oh & Rocky of course.

We went to DC & walked around, only a little because it was way too hot. We left early hoping to beat traffic....nice try.

On our way back home we went to see you & say hi, to clean up the grass & dust off your plaque.

Even on our `date day’, we both wanted to see you.

Even as we tried to take off our “mom & dad hats” for the day, our hearts are always drawn to yours. <3

We never forget
...

Once home, Daddy grilled steaks & I made my roasted potatoes. We feasted afterwards with dessert-cherries, ice cream sandwiches & apple slices dipped in peanut butter; a thing we usually can’t have because Bella. We hung out & laughed watching the new Adam Sandler & Jennifer Anniston movie on Netflix. It reminded us of course, of one of your favorites with them; Just Go With It. It was funny baby girl. They work well together. I know you’d be cracking up. ;)
...

We had a good day overall. Full circle.

I have to admit I was worried in the past- of how it was going to be in the future. With Daddy & me. After you girls grew up & moved away. I worried we’d have nothing left in common, with nothing left to look forward to.

That maybe we’d be “mommy & daddy” for so long we’d forget how to be just husband & wife.

Of course, I’d never imagined it would be happening now, so early!

But it’s already happening babygirl.

So as weird as it may sound it’s like daddy & I are starting all over. Like we have to get to know each other again. But if it’s going to be like today, both of us actually looking forward to it, actually caring enough to put forth effort- maybe it really will be full circle.

Maybe I don’t need to worry after all. <3
...

Love you my beautiful girl.

With all my heart.

Another day closer.

Mommy

Accept & adjust

My little girl,

Just as quickly as time goes on, it also brings about changes. Both are inevitable.
...

Things have gotten a little quieter- with Sissy's prom, graduation & graduation party now over. So much fun but also so much work. I'm both happy & sad- but also relieved.

Everything turned out so well. Sissy looked so beautiful at prom. We got some great pictures. Then at graduation Grandmom, Pop Pop & Sydney drove down to watch her graduate. Papi, Auntie & the family showed up too, got some more great pictures.

I know you were there too, watching Sissy walk up to the stage & accept her diploma. I know you were cheering loudly with the rest of us. <3

There were so many people, so many students. I saw your friend Isabelle & her family, to of course watch her brother Austin graduate. They didn't see me, but I texted her mom congratulations. She said the same. I was so surprised to see Isabelle looking so grown up. From a distance, I saw her wearing a fitted dress with a cute jacket. Not looking like a little girl anymore...

At one point they called out a girls name "Hailey Anne" & my heart jumped baby girl. Another girl with your first & middle name. I think with seeing Isabelle & then hearing your name- it just struck me. I didn't tear up until then, until I heard your name & realized it would be the only time I'd ever hear your name called out during graduation. :(

It hurt. Daddy heard it too & squeezed my hand. He knew. It hurt him too.

And just like that.

A chapter ends & a new one begins.
...

Sissy is excited of course. I'm proud & happy for her too- but also weary. Just as we were adjusting to a new 'normal'- here comes another one.

But I don't want to bust her bubble. So I play along.

Her party was a good time with family & friends. It rained but we made the best of it indoors- at our house instead of papi's. We decorated & Bella & I made most of the food the day before. She was my great helper. <3

We were grilling for a couple hours in the heat, sitting underneath the shade of our crepe myrtle tree in the backyard between breaks & there was a little white butterfly hanging around us the whole time. Coming & going- feeding on the dandelions. We thought of you...

During the party we lit a candle for you & Lou- because we knew you were there in spirit. Tia & Karolina appreciated the gesture. Tia got teary. Your candle stayed lit well after the party ended baby girl. We all noticed. <3
...

Sissy got some great gifts for her graduation & we've already started using some of it to buy a few things for her dorm. It's actually happening baby girl. In just a couple of months, Sissy will be living away from home.
...

Auntie's 40th bday was last week- we had so much fun hanging & celebrating with Auntie, Uncle Chris, Brian & Sissy. We had some good food, drinks & saw a live band that sounded just like the Doors- one of her favorite bands. Definitely a memorable night ;-).

Next up is Bella's dance recital- which is tomorrow. She's been practicing, rehearsing & dress rehearsing....glad it's finally here. Daddy took off to see it too. Then after that, we're leaving for the beach. :)

Just for a day- but I'll take it. We need it baby girl, to recharge our batteries.

To be closer to you....
...

Sissy has to work so she won't be coming. :(

Our first mini vacation without her.

Time keeps going & things keep changing baby girl. They can't be helped. All we can do is accept & adjust.

What other choice do we have?

We are all trying our hardest & our best. What more can we ask for?
...

Meanwhile my little mouse, we continue to miss you & think of you.

Always visiting you at the gardens, always looking for our signs.

I'm always looking, always searching...

And just when I need it the most, one always appears.




<3

I love you my beautiful girl.

So much.

I miss you aren't even adequate words.

You are missing from me- is closer.

Every night I still say goodnight & "another day closer baby girl".

I mean it. I can't wait.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

Sissy

From FB:

These last few months have been a whirlwind- with prom, Bella being inducted into the National Junior Honor Society, watching Sissy graduate high school & soon starting college!! 👩🏻‍🎓🎉💜

As we turn to a new chapter in our lives I can’t help but reflect on how incredibly proud we are of our girls. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world & we are far from perfect parents. But I’d like to think that our love for them overcame all the hardships along the way.

After losing Hailey we were so broken & could have stayed that way forever. But somehow we’ve managed to pull through as a family. Our girls have surpassed any expectations we ever had of them. We only hoped they would be ok. We hoped we’d be ok for them. 😔 But we are more than ok. I see that now & it brings me a sense of relief, happiness & comfort to my aching heart. I’m proud of them, I’m proud of us. 💜

We miss her. Even & especially during the happiest of times. Our hearts will always ache for the past & the future that was taken with her in it. Yesterday they called out a girl’s name, "Hailey Anne” to come receive her diploma & my heart jumped & broke again in two because I realized that would be the closest I would ever come to hearing my baby’s name during graduation. 💔

Grief never ends.

But love doesn’t either. It keeps us going.

Our girls are proof. Watching them soar is our greatest joy. To our girls: My hope is that you keep soaring, keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep loving- just keep going. Even if one day at a time.

It doesn’t mean having the best career or the biggest house or bank account. Just be good people. Find joy in the little things. Find joy. 💜

But always reach for the skies. Because that’s where you’ll find your sister. Stay there & remain close forever. 💜

Mouse,

Sissy graduates tomorrow. I can’t believe it!

So many mixed emotions baby girl & I’m too tired to really write about it.

Grandmom, Pop Pop & Sydney are making their way down tomorrow morning so of course I’ve been busy with preparing for everything, including sissy’s party this weekend.

But keeping busy makes me stay away from my own thoughts, which is probably a good thing right now. We went to visit you Sunday to talk to you about it. We know you will be watching. <3

I’m sure there will be many tears once it actually hits me- I don’t think it really has yet.

I’m so exhausted baby girl. I just wanted to say hi. I’m going to miss you tomorrow. :(

I love you so much.

Mommy