Always spinning

Dear Hailey,

This world is crazy- always spinning but not always in a bad way.

These are just a couple of recent posts from Facebook I waned to share <3

I love you with all my heart.

Mommy

Dear baby girl,

I asked you for a sign, just to let me know you're there...that everything's going to be alright. I got two. A text from Bella & a message from Auntie Z with the pic above. <3<3
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I didn't end up going to the cookout, which is happening today. It's just been Rocky & I. I think I did the right thing. Like that quote above says: The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to quiet the mind. 
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Daddy & Sissy are back to tonight. Bella is staying behind & coming back in a couple of days with both your uncles, Camryn & Brooklyn to go camping close by.

The same day Sissy's moving to her dorm.

What can I say about this my angel?

Things have not been right with Sissy & I for some time now. We really haven't been speaking & when we try we end up in an argument or disagreement.

The last time we argued was just a few days ago, she made a comment that I haven't really helped her throughout the whole college process.

The whole reason we were arguing is because she had not yet turned in her immunization records to the college, which is due before classes begin- in just one week & she can't start without it. Something I've reminded her several times since the very beginning of summer...
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It really got to me- to hear those words. That I haven't helped. After everything I've done. It hurt.

After everything we're still doing- like taking out loans to pay for her college, which has put us in a really tight spot.

But it seems like none of that matters. It doesn't matter that I called in sick to go to her orientation because they denied me vacation for those two days. Or her graduation party that I worked so hard for...the list goes on. Why even bother.
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These things may seem trivial baby girl.

But at the same time I've still been working on the picture project. Looking through picture after picture. Memory after memory. Years after years.

It's made me sentimental- maybe even sensitive & sad.

All those years & all those memories with you & then they stop.

All those years of being a mom to you & your sisters. Recalling all the good times but all the bad times too- all the hardship, pain & tears. And for what?

Now you're gone. I couldn't save you.

And now your sister is leaving on bad terms. We probably won't speak. Our relationship has changed. Two relationships lost.

After all the heartache & the love I invested in being a mother. After sacrificing so much, giving my heart & soul.

Maybe I've fooled myself. Maybe I didn't do a good job. Maybe I've made too many mistakes.
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I can't go back now to repair it.

I don't have the energy to.
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They say things happen for a reason- so maybe this needs to happen my mouse. Maybe your sister needs to move away from home to realize what home is.

She won't have anyone cooking or cleaning after her. Reminding her to meet her deadlines. No nagging from me.

She claims to be an adult- now she will have to be.
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Maybe it will be good for me too. It'll give us our space. Maybe even with time, we can heal & miss each other & try again. Like I did with my own mother.

Ironic isn't it? How life is. I always thought I was different from my mom. But now look.

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I guess it's something that most of us go through baby girl. Or so I hear from everyone else. From the beginning of time. The cycle of life.

That's what I try & remember when dealing with Sissy. Remind myself of how I was her age- true that I got into more trouble & made many bad decisions. But at her age too- I was helping to raise my brother. I was working part-time & helping to pay the bills. When I started college- I was paying it on my own with truly no help from my parents, because at that point my mother's mental health was really deteriorated. My dad was tired too...

I guess we all have to learn our own way baby girl.
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I wish your sister all the best. I will miss her. It's going to be an adjustment for all of us- specially Bella, who's still very much the light in my life.

This whole weekend she's been the only one to call & text to check up on me. Sending me notes telling me she loves me & is always there for me. Not a peep from Daddy or Sissy.

Everyone thinks Sissy & I butt heads so much because we're so much alike, but I don't agree. She's very much like your father. They're both probably upset. They make things all about them. Like I tell Bella- you're the only one baby girl.

So I will embrace her love & enjoy her as much as I can & pray that the dreadful teenage years don't take over too soon ;)
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It's almost time to walk Rocky my beautiful girl.

I'm going to go to church & say a little prayer. I'll go visit you & feel you close.

Other than that, it's too hot & humid to do anything else.

I will enjoy the silence today, feeling better now that I vented here to you too.

I love you so much.

I wonder if me & you would of reached these terrible teen years too- probably but in a different way. I can't picture it. I don't want to.

In my heart & mind, you will always be as you left us.

My little girl. My angel.

Forever & ever,
Mommy

My little girl,

I don't know if this is what's been going on with me lately.

Things have not been right & I don't know how to make them right again.

There's been a lot going on, too much to write about. Too much to try & figure out. Just sad, upset, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, unhappy....disappointed. In life in general. In the things I see happening around me, in people. People closest to us.

I know it's probably time I try & talk to someone again. I try & talk to you when I can, like today at the gardens. I sat with you a long time & talked & cried.

There's no one big thing- just a combination of things.
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Tomorrow we leave to Jersey. Grandmom is having a cookout. The first one since you've been gone. I was thinking of staying behind. Daddy has his license now- he could take the girls. It would give me the space I need. I don't feel like being around other people- to put on a mask for others.

I thought about all the previous years- all the cookouts they've had. How they would go all out with moon bounces, games, so much food & so many people- family & friends from all over. All you girls & all the other kids that were so small back then. All those kids now grown, except you.

I thought about all those years I'd drive up, even when I wasn't feeling up to it. Even when things weren't going right with Daddy & I. I'd pretend everything was ok, for the sake of our family. It seems like it was always me making that sacrifice. Pretending, trying, attempting; to be the glue in our family, to extend myself to the point of exhaustion.

Back then, it was Daddy's drinking. Now it's grief. Lately, it's been selfishness too. The selfishness & ungratefulness I see in our family. Daddy & your sisters included.

Maybe I've just grown tired of trying. Maybe I've come to a realization that it was all for nothing. In the end, people don't appreciate the sacrifices. They grow accustomed to others doing all the work & grow not only to expect it, but demand it.

I think this is the biggest thing I've been struggling with these past few months- maybe longer.
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I know I'm not the same person as before. I noticed the changes from the beginning- right away. Maybe I wasn't as worried then because I thought they were temporary. Maybe our family thought the same too. But I don't think they're temporary anymore baby girl. And even though I don't like it, I've accepted it.

I know things affect me 10x more now. Sadness, anger, tiredness...I know on my worst days, I'm not the best person to be around...But who isn't?

That doesn't mean I've given up. Or that I've stopped trying. I've been trying. That's all I do on a daily basis.

Other families have fallen completely apart after experiencing a loss like ours did. Families torn apart. Divorces, addiction, suicide....

And me, I have a few bad days & I ask for help & that seems to throw everyone off the deep end...
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It can feel very isolating baby girl. I feel like they expect so much & I'm just too tired.

It reminds me of when you girls were little & I'd make a whole day of taking you all to a fair or something. I'd set aside laundry or cleaning, or whatever needed to be done for the day so we could go out & have some fun, knowing I'd pay dearly for it later.

I'd scout out the best spot, spend the whole day abiding by your every whim (all 3 of you girls)- rides, food, games. Standing in lines, walking around in the heat, making sure you didn't get lost, spending every cent....feet tired, then at the very end, right when it was time to go home, you'd see a stuffed animal or some useless piece of plastic toy that you laid eyes on & asked if I could buy & I'd say no & then all hell broke loose.

You or Bella (mostly you :) would end up in tears & throw a tantrum & in an instant, I'd go from being mommy of the year, to the worst mommy in the world & out of the whole entire day, that would be the one thing that you'd remember. That mommy was mean because she didn't buy you that one toy...
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It's funny to think about that now my angel.

And maybe this will be too in 10 years from now. But I can't laugh about it now...

It just reminds me that being a parent or a wife can be a very thankless job sometimes.
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I pray it's a phase.

I don't know what would help, but I'm willing to give anything a try. But for now my soul just needs some peace & quiet. Some silence. From everything & everyone.

I know if I don't go, everyone will be upset & disappointed.  All those previous years I went won't matter. All those times I put everyone else first & myself last won't matter.

People won't think- oh poor Vani, she must be still heartbroken from the loss of her daughter. They will think, oh wow really, she didn't even try & make the cookout with the rest of the family?

Daddy & Sissy will think that at the very least.

That seems to be the running theme here lately baby girl.

Ironic isn't it? The people that are supposed to love & support you the most, the ones that are supposed to know you the best- sometimes are the ones that judge the harshest & expect the most.
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One day, none of this will matter baby girl.

One day, I'll be with you & all this will be forgotten.

Each day, I say, one more day baby girl.

One more day.

~