My little girl,

I don't know if this is what's been going on with me lately.

Things have not been right & I don't know how to make them right again.

There's been a lot going on, too much to write about. Too much to try & figure out. Just sad, upset, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, unhappy....disappointed. In life in general. In the things I see happening around me, in people. People closest to us.

I know it's probably time I try & talk to someone again. I try & talk to you when I can, like today at the gardens. I sat with you a long time & talked & cried.

There's no one big thing- just a combination of things.
...

Tomorrow we leave to Jersey. Grandmom is having a cookout. The first one since you've been gone. I was thinking of staying behind. Daddy has his license now- he could take the girls. It would give me the space I need. I don't feel like being around other people- to put on a mask for others.

I thought about all the previous years- all the cookouts they've had. How they would go all out with moon bounces, games, so much food & so many people- family & friends from all over. All you girls & all the other kids that were so small back then. All those kids now grown, except you.

I thought about all those years I'd drive up, even when I wasn't feeling up to it. Even when things weren't going right with Daddy & I. I'd pretend everything was ok, for the sake of our family. It seems like it was always me making that sacrifice. Pretending, trying, attempting; to be the glue in our family, to extend myself to the point of exhaustion.

Back then, it was Daddy's drinking. Now it's grief. Lately, it's been selfishness too. The selfishness & ungratefulness I see in our family. Daddy & your sisters included.

Maybe I've just grown tired of trying. Maybe I've come to a realization that it was all for nothing. In the end, people don't appreciate the sacrifices. They grow accustomed to others doing all the work & grow not only to expect it, but demand it.

I think this is the biggest thing I've been struggling with these past few months- maybe longer.
...

I know I'm not the same person as before. I noticed the changes from the beginning- right away. Maybe I wasn't as worried then because I thought they were temporary. Maybe our family thought the same too. But I don't think they're temporary anymore baby girl. And even though I don't like it, I've accepted it.

I know things affect me 10x more now. Sadness, anger, tiredness...I know on my worst days, I'm not the best person to be around...But who isn't?

That doesn't mean I've given up. Or that I've stopped trying. I've been trying. That's all I do on a daily basis.

Other families have fallen completely apart after experiencing a loss like ours did. Families torn apart. Divorces, addiction, suicide....

And me, I have a few bad days & I ask for help & that seems to throw everyone off the deep end...
..

It can feel very isolating baby girl. I feel like they expect so much & I'm just too tired.

It reminds me of when you girls were little & I'd make a whole day of taking you all to a fair or something. I'd set aside laundry or cleaning, or whatever needed to be done for the day so we could go out & have some fun, knowing I'd pay dearly for it later.

I'd scout out the best spot, spend the whole day abiding by your every whim (all 3 of you girls)- rides, food, games. Standing in lines, walking around in the heat, making sure you didn't get lost, spending every cent....feet tired, then at the very end, right when it was time to go home, you'd see a stuffed animal or some useless piece of plastic toy that you laid eyes on & asked if I could buy & I'd say no & then all hell broke loose.

You or Bella (mostly you :) would end up in tears & throw a tantrum & in an instant, I'd go from being mommy of the year, to the worst mommy in the world & out of the whole entire day, that would be the one thing that you'd remember. That mommy was mean because she didn't buy you that one toy...
...

It's funny to think about that now my angel.

And maybe this will be too in 10 years from now. But I can't laugh about it now...

It just reminds me that being a parent or a wife can be a very thankless job sometimes.
...

I pray it's a phase.

I don't know what would help, but I'm willing to give anything a try. But for now my soul just needs some peace & quiet. Some silence. From everything & everyone.

I know if I don't go, everyone will be upset & disappointed.  All those previous years I went won't matter. All those times I put everyone else first & myself last won't matter.

People won't think- oh poor Vani, she must be still heartbroken from the loss of her daughter. They will think, oh wow really, she didn't even try & make the cookout with the rest of the family?

Daddy & Sissy will think that at the very least.

That seems to be the running theme here lately baby girl.

Ironic isn't it? The people that are supposed to love & support you the most, the ones that are supposed to know you the best- sometimes are the ones that judge the harshest & expect the most.
...

One day, none of this will matter baby girl.

One day, I'll be with you & all this will be forgotten.

Each day, I say, one more day baby girl.

One more day.